To feel insecure about partner’s previous visit to red light district in Amsterdam.

[OldBagzy]

Been with a lovely guy for a few months, he’s very attentive and affectionate, helping me with my body confidence etc which has been a lifelong problem of mine.

However, it came up in conversation that with his former partner he went to Amsterdam and walked around the red light district. Apparently his partner thought it was a good laugh even when he got propositioned by a prostitute.

I realise this was before me and that people do go there out of curiosity etc but with my body issues I am struggling with the fact that he has seen the bodies of really hot women. How can he possibly find my flat chest and wobbly stomach attractive after seeing that?! He must have been being polite. I feel so ashamed of my body again, I don’t feel like I want to be intimate anymore.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t change what he’s seen or how I feel about it but I don’t want to over react and ruin things. Genuinely can’t help these feelings so what do I do about them? I know I have to move past it but I need some help.

Thank you.

Gosh this is an extreme level of insecurity, I think you need help , in the form of therapy. I struggle to believe it’s not coupled with jealousy,

you know he’s seen a naked woman before right, he wasn’t a virgin when you met, he’s had sex with other women, women he fancied, he’s seen hot women throughout his life, be it in porn, on phone images , walking down the street or on the beach, he will have seen the bodies of hot women throughout his life, not just in shop windows in amsters.

which I’ve walked down the street in the red lights district in amsters, with my husband and some friends, I found it quite shocking. The poor women are standing in windows, yes some come out and proposition you, yes many are indeed hot, and yes they are pretty much all in sexy lingerie. Howver everyone’s definition of hot is different, some are very physically fit, some slim, some sort of average, some very over weight, some small, some tall, some big boobs, some little boobs, they cater to all tastes.

i don’t think anyone would find it erotic unless you’re some pervy bloke looking to pay for sex. At no point during that did it even occur to me to compare myself to the women, no more than it would occur to me to consider comparing myself to any other women my husband sees, which is the normal healthy reaction.

so try some therapy as this is hugely unhealthy,

Oh trust me I worry about all of that too!

Oh dear.

Every man you've been with will have seen a perfect body. I get it, it sucks. But there's really nothing you can do but focus on your own relationship and the attributes of the body you have. And he does love your body if he's with you.

I have just returned from Amsterdam and went through the RLD out of curiosity with my husband. It felt a bit sad to me, absolutely nothing sexy about it. There were all ages, sizes and types of bodies you could imagine

Yes oh dear.
You're gonna drive yourself mad OP
(and possibly drive your partner away too).
X

What support are you receiving for your body image issues op?

You're by no means the only woman to struggle with this but just because it's not abnormal doesn't mean you need to live with it alone.

I've also been to the RLD and agree with pps that every body type is represented there. Its probably in many ways more inclusive than what you'd see on TV.

Ultimately this is a you issue that needs addressing through counselling/ED specialist support if that applies. You deserve to live freely in the body you have with all its quirks and 'imperfections' because every single body has those. Your partner is choosing to be with you because he's attracted to your body, but also the whole of your person. Your value is so much more than just what you look like. And that's the bit that you need to work on believing.

How long is a few months? Normally a few means about 2, which would indicate you’ve been with this man weeks, and he’s already helping you with your mental health issues round your body, which feels a bit much, and now you can’t get over he’s been to amsters and don’t want him to see you naked due to it.

id consider are you in a healthy enough place to date. It doesn’t feel like it, I think I’d get therapy and try to become healthy as I can’t see how this relationship can survive, if he’s already having fk provide mental health support.

The first time I visited the red light district in Amsterdam it was in the afternoon with a group of female colleagues and all the girls we saw were like beautiful lingerie models.
I told my boyfriend, my sister and brother in law about my experience. A few years later we 4 booked a weekend in Amsterdam and visited the red light district at night - it was a completely different experience! Every shape, size, age and gender was advertising their services. Which confirms that variety is the spice of life. You are the spice in your boyfriend's life. Revel in it!

Gently, yab slightly u, in terms of giving yourself a hard time

The amsterdam red light area is - as you say - a kind of tourist attraction in its own right, plus there are lots of bars / restaurants / coffeeshops etc

People do stroll through it to gawp at night, even couples and women, as its so unlike anything you would find elsewhere. its also pretty safe nowadays, compared to 20 yrs ago (pickpockets and drug dealers gone)

But the whole thing is very unsexy and the women there are just ordinary women. the odd one might be "really hot" but most are fairly plain, their customers dont see a person past the image of make-up / hair lingerie etc anyway

i must say its v unusual to be propositioned - ive never heard that before. i do remember seeing a very large black lady emerge from her window and try to drag passing men in, but that was a one off lol

While on one hand there is a certain edgy vibe / atmosphere to the area, which can be appealing, overall it is pretty sleazy and sad, you really have nothing to worry about

I think most people are left with a sad memory of women standing in windows like products, as opposed to people

Honestly put it behind you and stop beating yourself up

You need to try and rationalise this. I only need to go in to the city on a Saturday night to see lots of beautiful women in tight clothing that shows their 'perfect' figure. A walk on the beach in Ibiza and I will see multiple beautiful women in bikinis. Film and TV are full of them too.
I wouldn't visit the red light district, I'm not sure I'd want a relationship with a man who did but that is due to it not aligning with my morals and values. If your issue is just the comparison to other bodies, it's not rational and not worth ruining a relationship over.

He just walked through and I assume he will have seen other women’s bodies in many locations

As others have said, it's not particularly sexy. This is a horrible comparison, I don't want to dehumanise the women, but I used to be freaked out by butchers windows as a child and the vibe is very similar. As others said they are all shapes and sizes but more than that sort of depersonalised/dehumanised. I'm not a guy (presumably some men must find it attractive) but it is the least sexy thing you can imagine. I can see why strip shows etc are sexy/attractive even if objectifying to women. But the windows they are mostly just stood there looking miserable. It's hard to feel jealous if he just walked through. If he was going on about how sexy it was that would be different but TBH someone finding that attractive would give me the ick anyway.

You are worrying about all the wrong things. Like, do you not see attractive people day to day? They’re everywhere. Does your partner get jealous, probably not! There are so many other things to get worked up about, this is not one of them.

@CrypticClueless that stood out for me also having a laugh..bet those women hate what they're doing and some will be trafficked.

I know. Can you imagine if they saw someone laughing at them. The thought of that breaks my heart somehow.