AIBU to feel hurt after being left out by baby group friend?

[empee47]

More of a WWYD really? Friend from baby group moved house a fortnight ago so dropped in card to her new house on Friday evening as I was passing, at about 8pm on way home from gym. Outside her house were three cars all belonging to the others in the group. Quite obviously she’d invited them round for a little soirée but not me - wwyd?

I would also feel a sting from this. I think some posters are really reaching with the possible reasons for it. If there's a group of five and you want to invite the other 4, then that's what you do, no way has this happened unintentionally. I would just reassess where you stand with this woman. The other 3 may not feel the same way as her so I wouldn't step back from the group entirely, just be more cautious with soirée woman.

I walked in on a celebration crowded with mutual group members/friends when dropping off a parcel to a housemate.
I greeted them in a confused/surprised friendly way for the wider group to explain they were celebrating housemate's graduation. I had always defended housemate when others had said she wasn't as genuine or as lovely as I thought she was.
I was less hurt then I thought I would be, knowing I'd done nothing wrong and aware in the split second I walked in, my confused reaction had revealed herself to the wider group.

I felt a bit sad but educated and quite impressed she'd manage to get 15 people into her ground floor room whilst I was at home on the top floor; they must of been ninjas!

Ouch, that must really sting!

One thought, though - how much time have you actually spent with them lately?

I've got close friends who get together regularly. There's another friend who is really busy. She'd like to get together more, but over the years we've just sort of stopped asking her to casual last minute things, because she needs things booked months in advance. We do ask her to things that are planned well ahead. Any chance it's something like that?

I totally agree !
im the type of person that would invite all my close friends to a bbq and then its up to them to say they can’t make it. To deliberately exclude one member out of a small group feels deliberate to me.. it reminds me of bitchy teenage friendship groups at school.
I would be terribly hurt and it really would undermine the friendship.

Yes I was thinking this too. Maybe the kids were there, watching a movie or something while the parents had a dinner party, and the kids dynamic was a factor as to who was invited.

Well yes, but the bbq is a social event. If three sets of kids wanted to, say, see a particular movie at home, I can see how a mum might get left out., if her kid wouldn't be interested.

This happened to me years ago. We were a small group of friends from school & still hung out when we started working. Two of them got married (I was invited to 1 of them) then they started having ‘couples’ dinners. I wasn’t invited because I wasn’t dating. I had to shrug it off & move on. Haven’t seen or spoke to them since.

Hi op yes it’s very hurtful especially as it’s a small group did she acknowledge your card? I would be hurt by this but only you can decide if you want to keep the friendship. But yes very mean of her.

Yes I totally get how you feel and would be hurt too. How you deal with it depends on how much you value them as a group and to some degree as individuals. Are you closer to anyone in particular? If so I might approach and ask why I’d been left out. Is there a group chat? If I were consigning them to the friendship bin I might put a cheeky ‘how were your drinks last Friday?’ message just for shits and giggles.

friends don’t do this. If one person in my group were excluded, I would query this with the inviter, as a gentle call out. I’m just not into this mean girl shit as an adult. Of course people can prefer others but unless there is a big backstory or the OP is an absolute nasty piece of work, which seems unlikely, then there can be no good reason to exclude just one person in the name of preference. It’s deliberate and mean.

these things are hard but they also shine a light on true friends and sort the wheat from the chaff. In the end it’s best you know now if these women are not your true friends.

update us on what you do but know you deserve more so hold your head up high whatever you decide to do.

Totally understand why you’re hurt. That was unkind of her to exclude you. Especially as you were thoughtful enough to drop in a card

That’s really really shitty behaviour. In another life I’d have probably walked away licking my wounds, mulling over it for weeks and getting myself in a right tizz.
But now, I’d have very passively aggressively stomped up the gravel drive and made sure the mailbox slammed shut before stomping back down the drive …. And waited to see what happened.
They need to know you know 😏

My advice is to stop investing so heavily in baby group mum friendships. Honestly, I felt the same with these mums and school mums at one stage but when you examine what’s really going on, it’s rare you have enough in common to sustain long term friendships with the vast majority of them.
See it for what it is and enjoy a bit of company and a capacity them while you’re at baby activities. Build your actual connections elsewhere.

@empee47 has she texted a thank you for the card?!

Mmmmm not great nor to think you've wasted 14 years with them... i'm sorry difficult to get past that one but you'll have no choice... and step Back put up an unflappable front at the same time

It’s really shit OP. A lot of us have been through similar

I had a ‘best’ friend of many years who had a ‘birthday’ spa day which I wasn’t invited to - only knew after seeing the photos on social media. I wasn’t too fussed as at the time, as she knew as we had literally spoken a couple of days earlier, that I was going through a tough time. It actually turned out it was her hen party and I also only found out about the wedding a few weeks later when it was posted on social media too! Have not spoken to her since. Have no interest in speaking to her ever again.

Have they said anything @empee47

That sucks! I am so sorry.

She wasn’t, she was putting a card through the door.

You have every right to feel hurt by this, I would too. I would suggest reading a book called ‘The Let Them Theory’ by Mel Robbins - you could download the audio book for when you are at the gym. It won’t fix your shit so called friends but it will make you care a lot less. Also, I wouldn’t confront them, you likely won’t get a truthful answer since they feel the need to sneak about so it’s unlikely any excuses they make will only make you feel any better.

Enjoy your gym and you’ll get to know likeminded gym buddies there. Still be in touch with the baby group though but maybe focus on the gym more

I agree with this. Similar has happened to me, like others who have posted, Long term friend 30+ years, godparents to her children, then began excluding me from events, although I’m still sociable with them all.
I adopted the ‘Let Them’ approach and concentrated on building friendships with other people. It really does help.

You have nothing to lose in asking her OP. She will know that you saw the cars (given the card in the post box) so I would just message her and ask why. If she makes up a flimsy excuse, then you know she’s phasing you out. Then just refocus on the others in the group and maybe invite them out separately? It is hurtful and you deserve an explanation.

I don't think anyone 'deserves an explanation' for why someone didn't invite them to a specific social occasion. The host simply wanted to see people other than the OP.

If only 2 or 3 of the 5 were invited, then I would agree. But when just one person in the group is not invited, then it feels like they were deliberately excluded.

Sounds like shes a proper mean girl. Some women don't seem to grow out of that school yard exclusionism. The number of posts on here about school gate bitchiness shows that. Its such a shame and so hurtful. You just have to think its coming from an unpleasant place and there are nicer friends out there. Screw them!