AIBU to feel hurt after being left out by baby group friend?

[empee47]

More of a WWYD really? Friend from baby group moved house a fortnight ago so dropped in card to her new house on Friday evening as I was passing, at about 8pm on way home from gym. Outside her house were three cars all belonging to the others in the group. Quite obviously she’d invited them round for a little soirée but not me - wwyd?

I would be gutted too @empee47

YABU to refer to them as friends from baby group after 14 years!

Did you drop off the card?
I wouldn't.

And I wouldn't bother with her or them any more.

But what would you gain from making it clear that you know you have been excluded? You just underline your own isolation, make yourself look a bit weird and stalky and give them an excuse to gossip about you.

Always rise above. Unless someone has been explicitly unkind to you.

People can choose their own friends. Its harsh but true and making people feel beholden to you isn’t conducive either to friendship or to your dignity.

Walk away with your head high and move on. They are not your people.

@naivemelody88 I have a lovely new group of friends thank you . I still have occasional contact with my school friend and actually feel quote sorry for her as there was a huge family fallout. That’s why she is now in Australia.

Not really. You've dropped a card in on the way back from the gym. It's they who are behaving weirdly. As for the gossip - let them. So what. What would you gain? Maybe an explanation. Or knowing that they have deliberately excluded you if they are embarrassed. In which case you know where you stand and can move on. Instead of wondering, speculating, and starting threads about it social media.

Dit back and watch the squirm. They willl know you know

It’s very hurtful. I am sorry.

is it just her that’s a bit odd? Or the whole lot? If it’s just her then I would try suck it up. If it’s the whole bloody lot then move on.

women are quite unpleasant at times

Any chance they still give off mean girl/cliquey vibes?

I’ve been there OP, it’s what my username relates to. It’s horrible to realise you’re not in with your friends as much as you thought. I would spend some time getting over it and like others say, drop the rope a bit. i wouldn’t say you have to end the friendships because people are allowed to see who they want, when they want.

Did you drop the card in? I think their reaction would be telling

Yeah I agree, knocking and giving the card is fine, it was the original plan, not weird or stalkery.

I’d also be able to see if their reaction is one of shiftiness. If it was, then this was intentional, rather than just a bit of a hurtful oversight. Maybe they’d dropped in randomly too or maybe it was arranged off the cuff and there was no malice. Or maybe they find me insufferable and they often arrange to meet up in a group chat I’m not in so they can meet up without me. That’d be hard to gage from a quick hello don’t get me wrong but you can pick up vibes I think

I don't think that one instant of finding you haven't been invited people should immediately go to "cut them off" etc.

As I say to my dc, friendship is about give and take, and also most people don't intend to be mean, so best start out by assuming it was a mistake/accident/badly done etc.

If you always leap straight to the worst thought, are you prepared for someone to do that for you too?

Op doesn't know whether it was a spontaneous gathering, one where two of them said "oh let's go and see" third was passing, saw the cars etc.
If they've just moved house maybe the others came to help shift, for example.
Or maybe there was something came up and they needed to talk about it - I was round at someone's house a couple of weeks ago to help them fill out power of attorney letter - thy needed two witnesses.

If you take it as the op should immediately take offense, then maybe the others should take offense that op would have seen the cars outside and didn't pop in to see them - clearly she didn't want to see them or she'd have knocked.

Op if you like them, then you would be silly to take a single event and cut them off without thought. If you normally are invited, and you get on well when all together then enjoy a friendship that has lasted 14 years.

I’d be so upset by this. I’d have dropped the card through the letterbox. Gone home, probably cried on the way home and then over thought the situation for at least a week. However, it’s not at all healthy to react that way and I’m trying to train myself not to care so much.

Has your friend messaged you to thank you for the card?

The op is probably just saying it on here for reference on how she met them surely? I couldn't get worked up about that.

To the op, I'd feel so hurt too and back off from them massively.

I'm always amazed how posters always try to state the obvious to Op's such as the friend is entitled to invite who she wants. The op knows that, that isn't her point. The point is there are 5 friends and op was the only one not asked. That would sting no matter what age you are. People can still express hurt at these situations.

For what its worth Op, I would feel hurt to and it would make me question the friendship. I hope you are ok x

Well at least she will know that you know what she did without you having to say a word, given that the card went through the door when they were there, and she will realise that you saw the others cars.

I suspect she will be feeling very awkward and sheepish now. I wonder how she will handle it? My guess is that she wont mention it and hopes that you will let her brush it under the carpet.

Time to distance yourself.

You’ve been friends for 14 years! I’d be deeply hurt too! Gosh she’s horrible to exclude one friend from the small friendship group. I’m sorry that happened to you. I really hope you find your people because they are not it. 💐

I sympathise with you. I had the same thing happen to me. I feel like it was because I wasn't as wealthy as the others, not in a high enough position at work etc. I know I may be reading into it but it was quite obvious bumping into others out and about who were doctors and solicitors etc. it's been 4 years now and Im okay with it. Still say a polite hello when I see them around.

Say nothing and see what happens.

You are right, and this is the most mature attitude to take, but if a group of five has habitually met up for fourteen years, it is perfectly normal to feel very upset if you stop by with a gift to discover the rest of the group have been invited and you alone have been excluded. OP feeling hurt by this is entirely normal.

Yes with the extra context that is incredibly hurtful. What you don’t know is whether this is an ongoing dynamic or if it’s a new Queen Bee move to exclude you. Both are hard to come back from if you saw this as your primary friendship group.

I’ve been in a similar situation and asked a group member I was closest to what was happening. Queen Bee found out and exploded in a monumental way and never spoke to me again! I salvaged my relationship with that one friend eventually. This kind of thing separates true friends from situationships.

would strongly ignore this advice OP, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
Or you could respect yourself and realise she us a fair weafriend.

Or i would think i sm an a grown woman and don't have to be invited to everything like i am 5

That’s awful OP. So sorry to read this. Sounds like none of them are real friends.

move on and spend time with people who value you

You don't know that's why. It could have been one of those spontaneous suggestions when they were all together. It is unlikely to be a deliberate leaving you out.