AIBU to refuse a full early Christmas with young children?

[WarmHare]

My in-laws want to celebrate Christmas early (28th/29th of November) due to them going away throughout December.

They brought this up last weekend & we tentatively agreed, however it’s now clear that we all misunderstood what “celebrate” meant.

They are wanting to replicate Christmas Day, my issue is we have very young children, who very much believe in Father Christmas, therefore I don’t want two Christmases confusing them & our second actually real Christmas having the shine taken off.

I offered a compromise of them coming over for the weekend, helping the children decorate the tree, we’ll go to the Pantomime (they start mid November here) then we’ll give them their gifts & have a curry, they really want to give the children & us our gifts & recreate Christmas morning.

As to not drip feed, some context points

DH thinks we should let them replicate Christmas.

They're cruising the first three weeks of December then having Christmas week in Canada, this has been planned & booked for 2 years, its for their 50th wedding anniversary.

We don’t always spend Christmas Day together so we’re not breaking any traditions.

They are lovely people & don’t usually ask much of us, so the guilty side of me is feeling bad

My DH checked that the reason they are being so insistent about early gifts isn’t because they’re are for things before Christmas i.e concert tickets etc, they’re not planning anything like that

So am I being unreasonable & we should just let them completely replicate Christmas or am I not being unreasonable & my compromise seems fair.

No the GPs want full Christmas dinner and to tell the grandchildren that it is Christmas.

I don’t see the problem with a Christmassy day out; decorating the tree, a nice meal and then exchanging gifts with them.

I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing a full Xmas dinner twice! If they want that why don’t they host it and do it themselves? Also fine to exchange gifts but not to pretend it’s Christmas….that would confuse the kids and take away from the real day!

Would they be open to gifting the grandchildren a new Christmas decoration on the November day instead?

We have presents on the 25th because that is a more convenient day to celebrate the solstice. We do stockings because they are fun and a cultural tradition. We never told her any of them came from Father Christmas.

she did pick up the idea from nursery, but outgrew it quickly just like other fairytales.

"When I’ve dug little deeper asking why they need to do that and why we can’t just have a Christmassy day, my MIL says that Christmas in Canada will be a more simple affair, they won’t do a full dinner, they’re not doing gifts as there’s too many of them travelling/meeting up."

Oh, FFS! She's just thinking about herself and not your children, and how this farrago could change the meaning of Christmas for them. They're no better than the big brother of your schoolfriend who thinks it's funny to tell you when you're five years old that there's no Santa.

Tough shit if it's a simpler affair in Canada. Them's the breaks.

I'd be putting my foot down (with DH too) and insisting that it will be a 'Waving Granny and Granpa off on a Special Holiday' celebration and it will have NOTHING to do with Christmas! FFS!

A non issue! Celebrate Christmas early with just family giving presents (non off Santa) and then again on actual Christmas Day! They’re kids they’ll love! Stop making such a fuss over nothing

YADNBU OP!

Stick to your guns. Your suggestion of decorating the tree and going to a pantomime is great. Them expecting a Christmas dinner and gifts appearing overnight is too much for little children.

They seem to be really focused on themselves and what they want rather than putting your children first. You’ve offered a really lovely compromise and they should accept it.

We often have a Christmas brunch late November/December where kids meet Father Christmas and get presents. Or in a grotto/centerparks type thing. They don't get confused - just accept it as a nice day. I think you are overthinking it. Children under 5 will just accept if for what it is. If you love your in-laws as you say you do and they are happy to help with the lunch what is the harm? You can always buy a second lot of chocolates!

I would go, but wear normal clothes. Down play it. It’s November. Tell the kids Santa is visiting nannas house early because she’s away. Let the kids open nannas gifts. go home after lunch.

I can't see anywhere where the op has said that her inlaws want to lie to the children?

I think it's the "we're having Christmas tomorrow" that they want to tell them the night before that's the lie.

She said that they want to say to the kids the night before that it is Christmas tomorrow.
OPs post 14:42

I didn't see that....I think I'd give the children extra advance notice and say its A christmas for nanny and grandad

oh sorry, that would be confusing....but I stil think the rest would be ok.

At the end of the day, Father Christmas is a big fat lie anyway but I’d still be bemused by the in laws wanting to pretend it’s actually Christmas Day because they’ve booked a holiday. Tell them nicely but firmly that you’ll do nice Christmassy things and all have a nice time but their pretend idea isn’t happening. It’s totally weird.

But it is an awful lot to ask:
Full dinner - the one in December will not be so exciting
Tree and decorations up. Who wants decorations up so early. They will be fed up with them by Christmas. The tree will be dead.

I could see how it might work for older kids or teens. Nan and Grandad are here for the weekend before their cruise so we're going to pretend it's Christmas Day for tomorrow or something. I personally wouldn't want to do this with kids as young as this and I think OP is best to judge how her kids would take it.

In this case, I would bend for them OP. It sounds like you are willing to take on the extra work for them. If they were asking for something that genuinely disadvantaged your kids that would be different, but put yourself in their little shoes - how upset do you think they'll be when you announce that this year they get two christmases!

I think you might just be being a bit rigid and literal about definitions - I'm sure if you think about it with an open heart you'll see that this can be done without spoiling any magic, and it will bring great joy to those you love.

I mean, if you are into the magic of christmas - this opporutnity is kind of a gift from the universe for you OP (Merry Christmas :-))

If the ILs want this full Christmas in November couldn’t they do/host it at their house?

No, I wouldn’t do that. Christmas is one special day a year, it would ruin it for me doing all that before the season has started properly. Tell them they can come over for a meal, watch the panto etc but you’re not doing all the hard work and winding the children up of Christmas twice over.

I wouldn't be ok with that. You ruin Christmas by splitting into an early grandparents one and secondary parents one this time, and what's to say that couldn't happen every year.
In order to make sure I wasn't railroaded I wouldn't even be doing the stay over, the pantomime with a lovely evening meal out altogether and gifts is more than enough.

fake tree, minimal decs, both wizzed up and down by husband. OP has already said that inlaws will pay for/order dinner in. 2 roast dinners two months apart???? who will be that bothered?

why will its be "secondary"? And what will be wrong with saying "once and once only"?

Because she doesn’t actually want to do it. Tbh, I couldn’t imagine doing that to my son and DIL. Booking a holiday over Christmas then railroading them into having a pretend one, dismissing their objections and insisting they do it my way at their house-when I’d been the one to book a trip! Why is it that we have to accommodate unreasonable and smile and say it doesn’t matter?

But her husband does want to do it.