AIBU to refuse a full early Christmas with young children?

[WarmHare]

My in-laws want to celebrate Christmas early (28th/29th of November) due to them going away throughout December.

They brought this up last weekend & we tentatively agreed, however it’s now clear that we all misunderstood what “celebrate” meant.

They are wanting to replicate Christmas Day, my issue is we have very young children, who very much believe in Father Christmas, therefore I don’t want two Christmases confusing them & our second actually real Christmas having the shine taken off.

I offered a compromise of them coming over for the weekend, helping the children decorate the tree, we’ll go to the Pantomime (they start mid November here) then we’ll give them their gifts & have a curry, they really want to give the children & us our gifts & recreate Christmas morning.

As to not drip feed, some context points

DH thinks we should let them replicate Christmas.

They're cruising the first three weeks of December then having Christmas week in Canada, this has been planned & booked for 2 years, its for their 50th wedding anniversary.

We don’t always spend Christmas Day together so we’re not breaking any traditions.

They are lovely people & don’t usually ask much of us, so the guilty side of me is feeling bad

My DH checked that the reason they are being so insistent about early gifts isn’t because they’re are for things before Christmas i.e concert tickets etc, they’re not planning anything like that

So am I being unreasonable & we should just let them completely replicate Christmas or am I not being unreasonable & my compromise seems fair.

I wouldn't be doing an early Christmas, it's all a lot of hard work and disruption for young kids anyway, just once is enough. Your compromise sounds really lovely though the panto and tree decorating.

I think when people go away for Christmas they just have to accept that they've missed it and it doesn't need to be faked on another day. My mam has gone away for Christmas several of the last few years and she just gives gifts before or after, sometimes sees us open and sometimes doesn't.

You also have kids who'll open everything looking for the one thing they really want. Leading to disappointment when its not there.

I would have them round for a Christmas dinner (or their house), they can gift the children presents and if you adults buy each other exchange those gifts but I wouldn’t do more than that. Santa can come on the 24th as normal for the children’s gifts.

NO.

It's your children and your Christmas.

They have had their turn, they are now the grandparents.
They have chosen to go away.

I'd say we're having a special granny and grandad Christmas, and do meal / presents to and from them / fun family time. You can tell the kids they are lucky as this year they will get two Christmases. Put up the tree a week or two early. No biggie, as long as they're willing to help. It will be nice.

we do an early Christmas every year with my MIL SIL and some other family members (in-laws) who live away.

we exchange gifts -adults so a secret Santa style gift exchange and then the kids are given gifts they know are from relatives that are there and then Christmas Day is Christmas Day with Father Christmas etc but I would not be doing the whole leaving the cookies main presents not on Christmas Day!

my kids are older - the oldest doesn’t even really believe anymore but I still wouldn’t do it!

No I wouldn't be doing another Christmas day. Their decision to go away so they have to suck it up that they miss it. By all means have a nice day with them but don't pretend it's Christmas day.

Could one of them be dying and this is their last Christmas? That’s the only reasonable reason to ask this and even then…

if this was the case and if your children were young enough not to notice the rest of the world building up to actual Christmas then yes of course you should consider it. But if there in school/nursery then of course you couldn’t do it!

They chose to go away for Christmas. They need to get over it.

Could you book into a pub for a Christmas lunch with crackers etc? That way no-one has any work to do for the occasion, and it's really no different to a work Christmas event or a Christmas get together with friends?

It won't confuse them. They are under 5. We had extra Christmases with family over the years when my DC were young and we even 'asked Santa' to come a few days later than 25th December in order to have a day with us all together.

Let's not forget that we are telling our DC that a big jolly man in a red coat comes down the chimney to deliver presents! That doesn't seem to confuse them. They will just go with it and have the best time.

I wouldn't do it, and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to just say no, it doesn't work for you.

They get to have the Christmas / December they want (3 week cruise, Canada, etc) ... you shouldn't have to go out of your way to throw them a second Christmas a month early at your end because they'll miss one with you this year. That was their choice when they made their travel plans. Tell them you'll happily do a video call on the day if they want, but you'll not be 'having Christmas in November' and all the ridiculous works that goes with it. Nor will you be confusing your young children with it.

Just say no. Better yet, make your husband say No.

All these hard NOs aren’t really in the spirit of Christmas are they?

We've done Christmas Day re-runs after / before the event with grandparents, but only did stocking on the actual day.

In your situation, I'd be happy to have a pre-Christmas Day celebration with your in-laws - cook a Christmas dinner, put up a Christmas tree (mine would be up already, thanks to adult DD who adores Christmas), exchange and open presents etc. And I'm happy to eat chocolates any day of the year. But I wouldn't be happy pretending that it's actually Christmas. I think that might be confusing for your DC. If they attend a creche or pre-school, is there a danger that they'd go into the creche/pre-school on the Monday morning, telling everyone about Santa's visit and how they got presents from Santa etc.? Which would potentially confuse the other kids also.

If your kids are old enough to understand (they might not be), I would just say that you're having a special Christmas party with Granny and Grandad, because they'll be going on a big boat for their holidays at Christmas and won't be around. That said, I also like your suggestion of a panto and curry.

If you mean have a Christmas dinner with crackers etc and then exchange and open presents I don't see the issue. We've done this before and it hasn't been confusing for the children. They know it's not really Christmas it's just an early Christmas celebration.

We don’t lie to our child. Telling them the wrong date is not acceptable, even if they are young and won’t know you are lying.

the ils need to agree to a general holiday celebration, not pretending it is the actual day.

So you don’t do Father Christmas at all?

It's not confusing to have Early Granny Christmas with them because "poor Granny and Grandad won't be near you for proper Christmas."

Lots of families who have members abroad or working on rigs or in the navy etc have "extra" Christmases.

DC used to have Little Christmas with in-laws and Big Christmas on the 25th and it caused no bother.

Father Christmas only comes for Big Christmas.

My compromise would be
✅ Christmas roast dinner (only if all of the work doesn’t fall on you, OP)
✅ Opening gifts to/from Granny & Grandpa
✅ Chocolate (who would ever say no to chocolate? Madness)
❌ Telling them “it’s Christmas Day!”

If I were I this situation, I would frame it as “Granny & Grandpa are away on Christmas Day, so we’re doing a special mini-Christmas with them in advance—aren’t we lucky?” But only if all of the work doesn’t fall on you. And they don’t try to lie about the date, as this would be confusing AF for children.

Good point about the real Christmas tree.

I think given the age of your children. And the lack of usual tradition your point is reasonable

Beyond thay they arent missing christmas because it cant be avoided.. they booked a holiday for it. They could have gone whenever, they chose christmas.

I don't think anyone is a complete hard no. Most are up for some sort of Christmas celebration but exchanging gifts a month early is a big no from me.

I have already had a young child upset because they were confused between Birthday and Christmas. A extra Christmas a month early is just going to confuse more.

Way too confusing when they’re so young and still believe. I think your compromise is absolutely perfect.

Grandparents wont be around forever.
As long as the kids know that the gifts are from their grandparents and not from Santa I can't see the harm in it. They won't be around forever to make special memories.