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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

546 replies

spicysugarbb · 02/08/2026 14:08

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

OP posts:
Dery · 02/08/2026 15:38

@BatchCookBabe - i copied someone else’s post. Perhaps that poster put it through ChatGPT. Now you mention it - it does have that tone! But it seems to make a lot of sense. I think OP considers herself to be worldly but in fact her decision-making around this is actually rather naive and foolish and i think that post expresses the concerns rather well.

FrauPaige · 02/08/2026 15:39

TheExtraGuineaPig · 02/08/2026 15:30

It’s a side point but I’m a bit bewildered at the assumption you’ve made that if this arrangement ends you’ll just find another. Where are all these 60year olds who are rich enough and morally questionable enough to compensate someone over 100k per year to be their “girlfriend”. There can’t be millions of them.

There are actually quite a few around but very many more young women chasing after them. It's a buyers market, and a market with a strong preference for students/new grads as opposed to 30 somethings.

BatchCookBabe · 02/08/2026 15:40

chocoluv · 02/08/2026 15:30

A brag??
Are you reading the same thread??

OP is essentially a prostitute with 1 client (like a lot have).

Her DP holds ALL of the cards.
Her entire existence depends on him.

He can choose to cut her off at any moment and she knows it, so she’ll have to constantly be on edge.

A brag would be if OP had the wealth and had a toy boy 😁

Show quote history

Yeah, there is not one single thing to be jealous of. I would hate to be in the OP's precarious position, being used as a toy, and used for sex by a much older man who will dump me in about 2 years.

Fortnightly · 02/08/2026 15:41

@spicysugarbb whilst it works for you, that’s fine, but let’s not kid yourself that the part you play in this reciprocal relationship is nothing more than a glorified prostitute.

His kids inheriting his wealth is normal. You inheriting (but you said you are not) would not be normal.

If he lost his wealth tomorrow, your ‘sex and companion’ job would end.

QuirkyHorse · 02/08/2026 15:42

Bloody hell, he must be paying you a right wedge of it is more than your "office" job.

I absolutely could not be intimate with a man I didn't fancy and at 29, I didn't fancy anyone old enough to be my dad 🤢

I do feel you may be wasting your best years on him but I guess you're not daft and already know that.

QuintadosMalvados · 02/08/2026 15:43

I'm not really buying this to be honest.

100k a year implies that the OP has ambition and professional qualifications that took time to acquire.
She's not on minimum wage or financially desperate at all.
100k AND no family to contribute to.

I could understand why a very attractive woman who is not so well off would choose this. Not her, though.

Then again if this is true, the OP is essentially living as a prostitute so would be better off if she feels money trumps love getting a wealthy guy who's about 45 who wants a family so she can be a lady of leisure once the anchors babies are born.

If she's attractive enough and be pleasant on the surface she can do this.

Personally I think this thread is a bit of a sly dig at working middle class mums who are run ragged though.
My opinion only.

bugalugs45 · 02/08/2026 15:43

It isn’t anyone elses business, but FWIW I don’t believe a word of this anyway 😉 , fantasising about being high class hooker though , interesting way to spend a Sunday afternoon

RedPurpleyBlue · 02/08/2026 15:43

Are you sure he knows this is how you feel about the relationship? Have you spoken openly about it together or is it an unspoken thing? I wonder whether this man thinks this is a legitimate relationship with a future.

Thisisnotmyid · 02/08/2026 15:44

its your life OP do what you want aslong as your happy and bugger what anyone else thinks.

Bathroomphilosopher · 02/08/2026 15:44

And btw, if you wanted to be a SAHW, you would have been much more likely to have achieved that if you had kept the well paid job, and found a husband who wanted a SAHW once kids came along. All the SAHW I know became SAHW though this route.

All you have done by making yourself jobless, is made it much, much harder to achieve this goal.

You have been incredibly reckless and foolish.

Williteverrainagain · 02/08/2026 15:45

BatchCookBabe · 02/08/2026 15:30

@Dery ChatGPT?

Why do you think this is ChatGPT, it is quoted from a post from PatchworkCow upthread. Dery was just copying and pasting and agreeing with the poster.

Malinia · 02/08/2026 15:45

PatchworkCow · 02/08/2026 15:21

But why are you assuming this will ever happen? He's made no mention of marrying you I presume? You're not engaged, there's no date set? Because anything else is just words anyway. So no divorce settlement when he gets bored. No inheritance because his DC will get it all.

You were earning £100k. So unless he's paying you £100k plus loads on top (not in the form of perks like taking you on holiday, actual money that you can do whatever you want with), then you're losing out and have not made a good financial decision.
Neither is it a good financial decision if you couldn't just walk back into a £100k job tomorrow should you wish to.

If you were a minimum wage worker, being in this relationship for 10yrs and leaving with nothing other than the gifts you were given and the money saved from your allowance, would not be a bad deal necessarily. But in your circumstances, I think you're going to lose out.

You're going to make yourself unemployable potentially and also lose out in love, just for having given the last of your youthful years to what is essentially a prostituting situation. That isn't a good business decision.

You can think you'll continue to sell yourself but you're not factoring in the menopause years and the run up to them. They can batter a woman's looks, meaning finding someone who wants you for that reason becomes harder. Those years can take away all that oestrogen currently making you feel cuddly and wanting sex, meaning it goes from a situation of not really fancying your partner but still having a sex drive so overlooking that, to a situation where you really don't feel like having sex anyway and now you've got to do it with someone unattractive who you grow to resent for it and end up can't stand to have him touching you.

If you're going down this route as a career, which realistically you are if you've given up your job, you need to be a lot more business minded about it and push for marriage, as well as milking him for all you can get. So that when he dies or gets bored of you, you've amassed wealth more than you would have if you'd stayed in the £100k a year job. Otherwise you're effectively placing yourself in a situation where you're losing out, since you probably can't just walk back into a £100k a year job the next day if he dumps you after a decade. If you're not able to make that much off him, you should have kept the job and just seen him as a side hustle/boyfriend who was never going to marry you and kept your financial independence.

Like I said, if you were a minimum wage worker you'd likely be quids in regardless and could easily go back to a minimum wage job when this all ends, for a start nobody to judge you because nobody (except your minimum wage friends, who have no influence) would have known what you've been doing. But if you can command £100k for not being a prostitute and having a stable job, then that's your starting point. Since prostitute is an unstable job with no employees rights or redundancy package, you need to be "earning" way more than £100k a year to make it worthwhile for you. At the moment you're probably valuing the "benefits" of the job, the holidays etc, too highly - those won't pay the bills if he dumps you.

Don't underestimate how difficult it could be to get a job again if you've got a negative reputation too. People absolutely will judge you for this relationship situation and it could cost you roles in the future. If he's well known, his DC are bad-mouthing you all over the place and basically everyone knows you're in this for the money (which is what they'll think due to the age gap even if it wasn't true), then you're building up a negative reputation for yourself amongst the general population who'd never consider doing something like this. Earning £100k you could be moving in circles anyway where your peers will now get to hear of this situation you're in and it affect your employment prospects when they judge you for it. You won't be able to get a minimum wage job either, you probably sound too posh and are way too overqualified and maybe don't even have minimum-wage-job type skills. So you'd be fucked.

I think you need to wake up a bit TBH. Accept the situation for what it is and make decisions accordingly. At the moment you're selling yourself a lie that this isn't prostitution and is some kind of love affair, to make it more palatable. In doing so, you're leaving yourself wide open to exploitation.
Either wake up, treat it as a sabbatical and go get another high paying job sharpish. If he doesn't like you being less available and dumps you, who cares? Obviously not him!
Or wake up to your new reality and start treating yourself as the commodity that he is treating you as, valuing yourself and your time accordingly. You say "it's not as transactional as it sounds" - well, if this is what you do in place of employment now, then it should be, so get on it.

Show quote history

This is absolutely spot on. OP you are in a vulnerable position and need to address that.

SilverrStar · 02/08/2026 15:45

If you are so obsessed with dating a man with money, why an old man with money? Why not a rich bloke your own age who you can settle down with.

Juicybb · 02/08/2026 15:46

I’m an ex SW so no judgement towards you from me although some parts of this post don’t necessarily ring true to me.

If his children are judging anyone it’s their Father they should be judging. I imagine they’re disgusted their Dad is dating someone the same age as them.

BertieMartini · 02/08/2026 15:46

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves

They are HIS children, whereas you are just someone he pays for sex.

BatchCookBabe · 02/08/2026 15:48

SilverrStar · 02/08/2026 15:45

If you are so obsessed with dating a man with money, why an old man with money? Why not a rich bloke your own age who you can settle down with.

Most younger men (the OP's age) who are quite high earners, aren't going to tolerate lazy gold-diggers. They often want women who are equal to them. Or at least close to equal.

Vanillaicelatte · 02/08/2026 15:48

OldrNWisr · 02/08/2026 14:57

I have a friend like you. She’s in her 50s now and has recently been dumped by the latest cash cow. Oddly she’s not finding it as easy to bag another easy wallet as she did when she was younger. She is independently penniless. Be careful about the life you build for yourself and the basket you put all your eggs into. You have a shelf life.

Im laughing at indecently penniless

but @spicysugarbb
If your going to waste your youth energy and fertile years on a pensioner you would be wise to get something concrete set up

deeds to a house or something equally tangible and get it checked over by your solicitor

all the expensive holidays flying business or first class aren’t worth anything really if you were earning 100k your probably not even breaking even

you need to be compensated for the 100k you have lost by not working.( and I would want that tax free 😂)
and then you get all the extras on top

but I would imagine the moment you start to pin your OAP down on a few things is the moment he fucks off and finds someone else

your fucking for gifts
rent ; you would have to pay that anyway
allowance well unless it’s double or triple what you were earning your losing out big time

I know a few “old men “ that have young girlfriends and a lot of what they spend is put through as expenses in their business so it costs them fuck all

they wouldn’t spend a penny of their own actual cash 😂 they are as tight as fuck and not stupid

one of my friends was in a similar situation and was led to believe that she would get the luxury penthouse apartment he was “paying for “ when he died
but it was owned by the family business

They gave her less than a week to vacate it when her OAP died.

BatchCookBabe · 02/08/2026 15:49

bugalugs45 · 02/08/2026 15:43

It isn’t anyone elses business, but FWIW I don’t believe a word of this anyway 😉 , fantasising about being high class hooker though , interesting way to spend a Sunday afternoon

😆

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2026 15:49

spicysugarbb · 02/08/2026 14:23

@minipie@IDasIX
I guess if this goes on for 10-20 years I’d have like to have received some more substantial gifts (house?) than simply jewellery.
Otherwise if this ends sooner I’ll be young and attractive enough to find a similar arrangement.

You'll have aged out of his purchasing range or he'll be dead long before than.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 02/08/2026 15:49

spicysugarbb · 02/08/2026 14:24

@Overtheatlantic May I ask why you stopped?

Perhaps because she was too old for the men.

Schoolchoicesucks · 02/08/2026 15:49

So would you have a child with him? He's wealthy enough to give you the lifestyle with housekeeper etc. And if you had a child together that may come with more substantial "gifts". His existing DC may see that as splitting their inheritance, hence the snark.

I couldn't do that (well, I'm far too old for ome thing), but I do think you'll find it hard to "switch back" to a regular life should you need to. And being single at 29 earning £100k you could have had a decent enough standard of living. If this life stops in 10 years and you're 39, don't have the substantial gifts, are competing with women 10 years younger for the (small?) pool of men like him and have diminishing chances of a child, would you really be calling it and trying to gloss over those 10 years out of work with no assets behind you and to trudge back to the 9-5?
Is the allowance enough for you to save on? Could you do something to keep your work skills refreshed or current as well? Does he/will he pay for cosmetic treatments for you to stay looking young?
Does he have DD's around your age? I'd find it unbecoming if my dad were having sex with someone my age.

MidnightMeltdown · 02/08/2026 15:50

QuintadosMalvados · 02/08/2026 15:43

I'm not really buying this to be honest.

100k a year implies that the OP has ambition and professional qualifications that took time to acquire.
She's not on minimum wage or financially desperate at all.
100k AND no family to contribute to.

I could understand why a very attractive woman who is not so well off would choose this. Not her, though.

Then again if this is true, the OP is essentially living as a prostitute so would be better off if she feels money trumps love getting a wealthy guy who's about 45 who wants a family so she can be a lady of leisure once the anchors babies are born.

If she's attractive enough and be pleasant on the surface she can do this.

Personally I think this thread is a bit of a sly dig at working middle class mums who are run ragged though.
My opinion only.

She’s clearly not that attractive if she’s dating a guy in his 60s! For attractive women there are younger wealthy men about.

pinck · 02/08/2026 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lol, $100k office jobs absolutely exist, you just don’t personally know anyone qualified for one, which is not the same thing. Your tiny social circle is not an economic dataset. 💀

Tel12 · 02/08/2026 15:53

It's prostituting. One way to earn a living but it's a downward slope.

Eddielizzard · 02/08/2026 15:53

I don't judge you for it. Neither of you are pretending, you both know the score and you're also dealing with the negative side, namely an awful lot of judgement.

If I were you, I'd save as much as I could because this is unlikely to last. At least you'll have something to show for it