To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

It's not anyone else's business. But as you put it out here and asked if you are kidding yourself, yes, I believe you are. You are selling yourself, it isn't any different from prostitution (when prostitution is done safely). You are telling him you love him when you don't which is manipulative.

I don't judge you for it, just like I don't judge any type of sex worker. You are one of the same.

OP I would be putting some money away now for the future, live frugally for a couple of months or find a part time role. If you are not going to be a beneficiary of a will or getting married etc then you are terribly vulnerable if he just ends the relationship suddenly in event of death/health issues or just general change of heart.

I have no issue with your lifestyle. It works for both of you but I'd be a little worried for the future

You’ve already admitted you get nothing in his will so you’re leaving yourself extremely vulnerable when he dies!
You’re out of the workplace so will be find it more difficult to re enter it at the same level plus you’ll be say 20-30 years older.
You’ll no longer be able to find another sugar daddy as you won’t be young enough.
You’ll have no pension, either state or private as you won’t have been paying national insurance so won’t have built up enough credits and assuming sugar daddy ain’t making pension contributions to a private pension for you!
At least if you were an actual prostitue you be getting a wage and could save and contribute to a pension.
This is not a position I’d like to be in, 50-60 years old and destitute!

But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest. We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance

There's a few references to honesty or being genuine in post, including this one -

but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance

However, you haven't actually had the conversation to make sure of this, have you? There's a lot of assumptions here that I don't think a person who is truly concerned with behaving ethically or honesty would make.

And it's so obvious why. Despite all your talk or honesty or lack of pretence, you don't want to have that conversation as it risks upsetting him or making him angry, and losing all the money and benefits you're now getting. Pretty calculated and cold in my book, yet you present this to yourself and others as the both of you somehow knowing what you're doing.

Otherwise if this ends sooner I’ll be young and attractive enough to find a similar arrangement

Maybe you are emotionally cut-out for this, but it sounds like a bit of a bland existence emotionally. Be careful that after years of the jewellery, the holidays, the clothes that you don't wake up one day and regret not trying to find a romantic partner when there will be more of them that are still single, and without so many issues or baggage.

Well it's nobody's business technically, but it sounds like a very shallow and lazy existence. I would distance myself from a friend who was choosing this life, because I'd feel they had no integrity and we wouldn't have the common values necessary for a friendship. But if those things aren't important to you then crack on.

The first response nails it really.

But I agree with others that it would be sensible to keep working in some capacity so you can save at the same time. Also avoids a long gap in your CV. Perhaps your sugar daddy would be willing to say you were his PA? In a sense you are!

I also think that you need to be planning now if you want a family. Often people settle down with the person they go on to have kids with in their late twenties. If you want a relationship with your child’s father, it takes time to meet the right person and build the relationship.

You lost me at the office job paying 100k 😒

On the off chance this is true and not a spot of Sunday afternoon creative writing, it's rather sad. He's way old enough to be your father, of course his adult children will have an opinion, and not a favourable one.

Earning 100K and renting? Now with a sugar daddy and still renting? I don't get it. I know it is off topic, but it is getting weirder and weirder.

What are you on about?

No-one has said 15 year old boys have grandchildren. 😆

The OP's sugar daddy (vom) is in his early 60s, so that could mean up to 63-64, and he could easily have a 'child' who is 46.., And that 'child' could have had a child at 16-17. And that child could be 29 if they were born when the parent was 17.

So yeah, a 63 year old man could easily have a 29 year old grandchild. Ergo, the OP's sugar daddy is old enough to be her grandad. 😎

@spicysugarbb There are very many women across the world that feel this way due to cultural conditioning, labour market realities, or the financial reality of their everyday lives.

Having "seconds" is commonplace for wealthy men as keeping a woman is cheap compared to many other hobbies, especially when he has the novelty of being able to swap out the old for a new one whenever he gets bored.

If you are going to play this game, play it properly:- put enough cash aside so that when he does swap you out, you are leaving with an exit fund as opposed to a few high end bags. At 29 you will be ageing out soon.

Also keep up the frequent STD checks as when there are "seconds", there are 'thirds", and also ad hoc snacks and side encounters as well, which can have health implications.

Take the judgement on the chin - it comes with the territory.

A brag??
Are you reading the same thread??

OP is essentially a prostitute with 1 client (like a lot have).

Her DP holds ALL of the cards.
Her entire existence depends on him.

He can choose to cut her off at any moment and she knows it, so she’ll have to constantly be on edge.

A brag would be if OP had the wealth and had a toy boy 😁

It’s a side point but I’m a bit bewildered at the assumption you’ve made that if this arrangement ends you’ll just find another. Where are all these 60year olds who are rich enough and morally questionable enough to compensate someone over 100k per year to be their “girlfriend”. There can’t be millions of them.

@Dery ChatGPT?

A sad way to live your life really, screwing someone for money when you appear to have the ability to make your own living.
The longer you waste your life doing this, the less likely you are to find true love in your life.
Anyway, your life, your choice but don't be surprised if others see you as a gold digger.

I know. Extraordinary isn't it?

Do you plan to have children with him? Or leave him and try to find someone younger to have children with? Are you prepared to care for him in his old age while you and still young and fit and able to enjoy your own life? Or dump him if it gets to that stage? What if you do have children with him and also end up caring for him and raising your children at the same time?

Sounds like an ok arrangement for a bit of fun for a year or so, but not for a long term relationship where you are potentially looking at a very different future to what you have.

I have an office job (well WFH because they closed the offices during covid and never reopened hem) with no professional qualifications and a base salary over £100k with a 20% annual bonus.

It’s your life — you can live it as you see fit. Even if that means being a prostitute. However, if you were my friend or family member I’d be ashamed of you, and wouldn’t want to acknowledge you as such. The same way I wouldn’t want to introduce a pimp, drug dealer or conman as a friend or family member. It’s not an honourable undertaking no matter how much money you make,

It all sounds a little well murky to say the least.

That’s so not true. Many office jobs pay 100k. I was on 70k 11 yrs ago before I left, my manager on 250k and his mgr on 500k. All office jobs that needed a degree to get hired there but that’s all.

100k in a corporate sales role (that wasn’t my role) would easily clear this!

It's nobody's business but obviously people have eyes and ears and have their own opinions. Is it like a job where you think OK I'll find a "new job" in x amount of years? As boring as it sounds in a 100k office job you are at least earning a pension. I'm ten yrs older than you and wasn't thinking of that at 29 but that does change.

Do what you want of course but others can do what they want too, which may be to judge a bit. Do you not want to meet so.eone you love one day? Or does this have an end date? What if you did meet someone, would you keep this going? Etc etc.

Lots of women do sex work, you only appear to have one client though which leaves you vulnerable. Make plans for when he finds someone younger.

I agree. And she could get traded in at any moment. Sugar daddy could hit 65 and think, bring me a fresh one of 25.
I think it’s sad that OP had her own career and options. She could have met someone nearer her age with a brilliant career and had a lovely life. She could have climbed the career ladder further.
These children have every right to inherit from their father but OP has no right. She is not a romantic partner, she is a paid girlfriend, which is a job. It gives you no rights other than to walk away with the trinkets and experiences.
None of us are getting out of here alive, so it’s OP’s choice. Nobody is forcing her.

I think you are insane to have given up your job for this.

You are 29. You are fast approaching the age where men who can afford this type of arrangement will not be interested in you.

You want children. Most men who want a wife and family will not be that happy to take on an unemployed 30-something year old.

If you want children, when are you planning to ditch this man to find someone? You need to get going. A 30 something without a job is not a great catch for most men wanting a family. Your pickings will be slim. So get on it.

You have prioritised your short term ease over your long term goals. That rarely ends well.