To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

It’s transparent and you both enjoy it. So many judges out there. I suppose my only caveat would be, if you would like a lasting long term relationship with someone closer to your age for a family etc, maybe have an idea in your head how long you think this current relationship will last

The amount of people earning £100K or more a year - in the UK - is less than 4% of the entire population. The amount of people under 30 that earn amount is infinitesimal ... Around 0.8% of them.

Yet inexplicably there are LOADS of them on this thread, (and loads of posters have young adult children who allegedly earn 6 figures.)

Absolutely fantastical. Almost unbelievable!

.

Preference is for men who have worked hard, but if they had won the lottery, I would not care, as long as they are spending it on me. 😂

Yes, this line of work has its pros and cons, but it seems like the OP is doing well for herself.

I would rather sleep with a sugar daddy than be in a relationship where I am having to pay for everything like some other women.

No, not really.

It's just that it's not only the OP's posts which aren't really ringing true.

Everything just a little bit too 'pat'.

It's almost as if some posters wanted to promote the 'happy hooker' lie.

She'll be too old for that, then. And she'll have all the over 30 = looking for a husband and paid maternity leave discrimination, all hidden in a 'We selected a candidate with current experience' rejection.

In any case, we're all missing her actual mistake when thinking he'll keep up his current rental long term; it's Nanny with a Fanny, not Nana.

Agreed. But this sort of thread always brings them out.

I knew the moment the OP talked about her alleged high salary that this would be one of 'those' threads.

And being a Barrister or Investment Banker is now an 'office job' apparently. Is that how people in these professions describe themselves, I wonder?

Yes.

You'll see them visiting members' clubs.

Indeed. And always with the put downs about women who work.

Then you need to be meeting men who are likely to be great team mates in a marriage, want parenthood themselves and are able to provide.

Your current lifestyle isn’t it, and is unlikely to lead to such a life.

Though maybe you could ask his Dc if they have any eligible friends?

My aunt lived your life at your age, and was so distracted by the fantastic life they led (and did love him) that she kind of forgot that she would grow old. She ended up as his carer by the time she hit menopause, and has lived 30 years regretting bitterly her lack of children. Also socialising as a couple had been tricky with her age group, all her friends were older, so died.. oh and yes, he left his money (quite rightly) to his own children.

Don’t end up like that.

"Too old" 😂

If the OP initially landed a job paying £100K, I don't see why she couldn't do it again.

And if all shall fail, she can find an older sugar daddy to milk!

If you’re earning £100k whilst still in your 20s, either you have a well paid career position in finance / IT / sales or similar, or you’re a sex worker, or you’re dealing drugs.
Ask anyone what they understand by the term ‘office job’, and how much would they expect someone your age working in an ‘office job’ to earn.
Your relationship is most definitely transactional. If you refused to have sex with him I’d guarantee he’d drop you like a ton of bricks. However, as long as you completely understand this, then you’re right, it’s nobody else’s business but everyone will have an opinion on your choice of lifestyle.

Yep. Every male cliche coming to the fore. Funny that.

You're 29. You are about 2-3 years away from being another average 30s woman desperately looking for a husband to make a baby.

If I may lob in a post, my SM married my dad 45 years ago. She is now 77, and about seven years older than me. They have two sons, now 40 and nearly 50. She is looking after my dad attentively. He is nearly 93 and politely, very confused. I am so so grateful to her and for her existence. She is a brick. I would like to help her much more. But until she asks for help, I can't. We have already had the inheritance conversation. I don't need it, I earned well and I'm 70 next week. I am already giving money to our DC to run down our estate. Their money goes to their children who are equally as professional and well paid as us.

'earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.'

Exacrly what kind of life did you want that £100,000 a year (with no dependants) couldn't facilitate?

OP said she used the term ‘office job’ to be purposely vague.

Again, I place no judgement on that. Not that you need my approval of course, just responding to your post.

I suppose that given the choice of the two options you present in the last sentence I'd prefer the sugar daddy option, too.

Overall, I can't bring myself to have strong opinions on OP's situation.
They're consenting adults.
Who knows maybe they're fond of each other and let's face it money always helps in this regard.

@spicysugarbb - if you leave it 10-15 years to look for the man to have a family with, you will be in your 40s, and it will be exponentially harder to a) find a man of a similar age who wants a family and b) to get pregnant. Plus being a parent to small children is also much harder when you are in your 40s to when you are in your 30s.

Have we lost the OP or is she on call this afternoon?!
Surely someone should have said that's nice dear at the get go ...

Sure but what I mean is "women earning £100k" are not necessarily a group who will never be interested in an age-gap relationship with an older man, in fact I know many!

So after a few years out of work, OP will still be valuable for an employer and earn well
over £100k 🤔

She’s best home for another sugar daddy I think! Make the most of it before she’s 40/50 and not young enough anymore… she may find employment difficult then as well!

Oh but it was too "outing" to say what she really did.

Although in the unlikely event of this being true, and if she has to look for work again, the circles where 27 year olds (as she was 27 when she gave up) earn £100k are small and people tend to know each other and hear things.

It's not beyond the bounds of possibility her CV will provoke laughter at the daft lassie /gold digger before the employers will move on to the next applicant.

One where you don't have to work all hours I presume!

I imagine she was working very long hours.