To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

Are you getting enough from this arrangement to save a good nest egg? Because if not, I struggle to see the attraction unless you just want a soft life at any cost.

The relationship dynamics are nobody's business though. My FIL is married to a woman my age from an Asian country. It's fully transactional, but equally they are very fond of each other, and she really looks after him. She's got herself a house in the UK and her home country out of the arrangement however, which is much better than just having rent paid and an allowance.

How is the 18 month CV gap going to be explained?

'Men can be players for longer, but women really do age out of the game. '

• I'm not sure about this. Most women don't want to settle for a much older man. Even among hugely rich and famous men, a lot are married to women the same age or only a few years younger.

I work for a MC law firm, I know what people can earn but there are not millions of women earning 6 figures plus under 30. It’s a tiny %.

The OP said she enjoyed the sex. Yes, his money turns her on.

Well you are a gold digger.

You are old enough to make your own decisions and if it works for both of you. I don't see what the problem is.

Being in my 60s, I don't find the idea of a Martin Kemp silver fox type at all unappealing and and I've had 2 older husbands (not 30 odd years older) but the idea of making myself this vulnerable is horrible to me. I wanted partnerships and this isn't one. Unless OP is canny enough to have secreted a lot of her 'allowance' away and has a swift plan back into employment, it could go horribly wrong for her very quickly as I think it unlikely she lives in a place where her rent would be covered by Universal Credit. This is not a gloat, it's her life her choices, but potential penury is not a great life option.

PS Sorry Martin, know you and Shirlie have been happily married forever!

I never said millions of women are earning 100K+.

Visit those spaces and dress to the night!

I think it's unfair to your father in law and his wife to compare their relationship to the OP's set up. From what you have said they have made a commitment to each other and their relationship is more than sex for cash.

My best friend is in a similar situation but gay so no children to contend with. The man is 71 and we’re 33. He pays him 10k a month and also pays for expensive holidays and trips out. He’s living his best life and doesn’t even have sex with him anymore. It’s unbelievable and his stories just fill me with sheer awe.

I don’t judge, it isn’t my place to. People can have their own principles and ethics without insisting everyone else abides by them (heinous crimes obviously omitted). You’re happy, that’s all that matters. The only thing I’d worry about is money when he dies or if he just dropped you out of nowhere/became seriously sick. Make sure you have savings.

There are plenty of finance/corporate law type roles (in London, I can’t speak for anywhere else) where entry level is around £75-80K. And that’s straight out of uni. By our late 20’s, most people I know were on around (or a bit above) £100K.

If you're skilled and valuable, 100K is easy to attain.

Sugar daddies are easy to locate. There are plenty of women who have one, but they don't openly admit it.

If you think a bloke in his mid 60s paying a young woman to be his 'girlfriend" will want that same woman at 35, I don't know what to tell you.

There will be a new 25-27 year old along in no time.

It sounds quite boring to spend your time waiting to be summoned for sex. His children would probably despair that their father is finding your living costs, and believing you love him and this is a real relationship. Very embarrassing for him. But you're both consenting adults, so if you both choose this 🤷🏻‍♀️

Huh? Loads of them do. What an odd thing to disagree with.

I'm not sure about the last sentence.
I can see that a man who has the ability to become rich through his own efforts may be an aphrodisiac to some.
Oh yes that may cover a lot of flaws and be exciting.

What if he's some ordinary guy who's won the lottery, though?

Yes, and that's fine.

She can find another sugar daddy, or, rather, have more than one! He likely has another sugar baby.

Oh .. I doubt she'll add that to her CV, but if she did, I am sure many men would be intrigued and hire her

I doubt it. Unexplained CV gaps , certainly in my field, which is one where high salaries are the norm, generally mean the CV gets overlooked.

If it's nobody's business, why are you asking us?

My father has a MUCH younger girlfriend, and they appear to have a fairly similar relationship to what you describe. She’s pleasant, keeps him happy and entertained, and he’s made generous provision for her in his will. My siblings and I don’t hang out with her, or anything, but we’ve absolutely no problem with her.

I suppose my only qualm for you is that you don’t seem to have a long term plan, beyond being attractive enough to get another sugar daddy. You will eventually age out, so it would be sensible to start building an investment portfolio or something.

You are correct- it is no one’s business that you’re a prostitute.
Why don’t you want to find someone you actually love and can build a life and a family with?

Indeed, a man who likes to spend money with little effort is an aphrodisiac for me.

I have never dated a poor man, and I made sure my husband was wealthy before going anywhere near him.

Respectable or not, I would rather be in the OP's position than be married with a village of children, working two jobs, and still struggling.

If this is real I don't think it's at all wise as a long term plan. You are essentially dependent on him , what happens when the novelty wears off? If the relationship turns sour? What if he decides it's not worth the expense any more or he'd rather a younger woman? Is he going to marry you? You said you won't inherit, so how are you going to manage long term if you've given up your career?

Also it's none of your friends business but I do understand why his kids are upset. It's not even just about the money I bet- id be absolutely mortified/ gutted if my dad behaved like this . Also the comment about them benefitting from his money so why shouldn't you- it's not remotely the same or comparable.