To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

If he didn’t have money you wouldn’t be with him so you are selling. Yourself for money. You also can’t have kids with him so you’ll be getting upset down the line.

In addition once OP needs to be caring for him, she’ll need either a replacement lined up or a decent job to go back too, which could prove difficult.

Especially if the hoped for house hasn’t been bought!

All relationships are transactional - some transactions are just more societally acceptable than others, but if you are both happy and you have respect for one another, I don't see an issue.

Her 'allowance' would have to be indeed 'substantial' if it's to come close to the £100K she previously claimed to earn. Especially as giving up a job at prime career age in order to be an old man's plaything is going to have a very negative effect on any future earnings once he tires of her, which he will.

And I wouldn't say a job where you have to regularly have sex with a man twice your age is 'leisurely'. Quite the opposite. As the saying goes, when you marry for money, you earn every penny. And the OP isn't even married.

I think it’s fine, you’re both adults, do what you like. My only concern is - if you were my dd- is that you may be inadvertently passing up opportunities to meet someone nearer your own age that you might have a longer term proper love for, marriage maybe, dc if you want them (fine if you don’t). But apart from that, you crack on.

I had exceptionally generous sugar daddies before settling down with my husband. The money I had accumulated was enough to start two successful businesses.

Lucrative if you know exactly how to use them.

Does your husband know about your previous life as a sex worker?

I mean.. you’re in a relationship really.. I can’t see the issue. I wouldn’t be with my DH if he was dirt poor / not motivated / rude etc. I don’t really see the issue. Are you sure it’s not that you can’t admit you’re in a couple with someone older..

I imagine OP's allowance far exceeds her salary, which is why she decided to quit her job.

She can return to her career if she chooses to.

Clearly, the OP enjoys the sex with her sugar daddy. She's earning a lot of money without the hard work of being married.

Good for her. Smart woman.

No, never. None of his concern 😅

Since you have free time at the moment, i suggest reading “The Crimson Petal and the White.” It is a page-turner that may feel
relevant to your situation. If it doesn’t, you will have at least enjoyed a novel.

Assuming it's true - which there's a slight chance it is - as wealthy people tend to meet super wealthy people, I place no moral judgement on it.

It could be a case that she's a professional who's thought what's the point? I've worked hard for a good salary but this person's got more and they don't seem to have worked that much harder.

I could see how a person could go down this road. It is sort of morally bankrupt, though in a way I suppose. Though that doesn't mean I'm appalled by it.

Anyway, if there's any 80-year-old sugar daddies (or mere millionaires several times over) wanting the company of a more mature lady who's still well young enough to be his daughter and can cook and has all her own teeth. You know where I am.

Repeat: can cook, has all own teeth.
😁

Are you allowed to date other men, or is your relationship exclusive?

So you have about 10 years to have the babies that you mention wanting. Do you want babies with him? Can he even have babies (no vasectomy)? If you can’t/don’t want babies with him, it might be worth keeping in mind how quickly you can reasonably expect to find a wealthy man who is willing to have babies, and how that fits into your timeline.

You’ve already admitted you get nothing in his will so you’re leaving yourself extremely vulnerable when he dies!

Mate. Unless he drops dead unexpectedly in the next couple of years, she'll have been binned off ages before he dies. Her asset is youth, and at 29 the clock is ticking.

For goodness sake, OP, get yourself back into employment even part time. "I was a hooker for 4 years" doesn't look good on a CV for £100k jobs.

How long do you think you can keep finding rich old men that are prepared to pay you for a 'relationship' OP? And what are you going to do when the gravy train dries up because you're no longer young enough?

I think it's all pretty grim tbh, one step up the ladder from hooker really, isn't it.

Yes, they do.

Yes, this life isn't for everyone, but I cannot blame the OP.

Good luck finding your sugar daddy 😂

Well, the OP has left the building so we can't know how much her 'allowance' is.

As for 'returning to her career', how is she going to explain the gap on her CV? "I gave up my job because I wanted to shag an old guy for money. Now that I've aged out of that role, I'd like you to pay me lots of money to do a job I clearly couldn't give a shit about'. Yeah, that will really work a treat in an increasingly competitive job market.

Clearly, the OP enjoys the sex with her sugar daddy.

Apart from her openly admitting that she wouldn't be with him if he weren't rich?

People are going to judge though. A 30 yr age gap is pretty yuck.

'(housekeeper, easy access to childcare)'

• from your earlier post it sounded like you wanted to be a SAHM or work part time. If so, why would you need childcare and a housekeeper?

The OP is clearly not wealthy though and that's the issue. They were earning 100k and presumably had no assets or family wealth which is why they had to rent a flat.

At 29?

I doubt it. Now you will tell me you were on 100k at 18.

She's 29 ... not 109.

I wouldn't be concerned about being on the will. She can continue to whittle away at his finances and receive the money she deserves.

Oh .. I doubt she'll add that to her CV, but if she did, I am sure many men would be intrigued and hire her 😂

Many a marriage hardly differs from prostitution, except being harder to escape from." — Bertrand Russell,