To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

Of course it's different!

If a woman's husband leaves her he is still legally obliged to provide for his wife and children. Whereas this man has no obligations to the OP whatsoever.

I totally agree that making yourself financially dependent on a man is a terrible idea, even with the limited protection that marriage gives. But the two situations are not the same.

To have given up your decent job for someone you met 18 months ago seems irresponsible particularly if you will not benefit in any way if he dies suddenly. I think his children are right to have concerns but you are both adults. You say love is offered to each other but from where you are standing it does not sound like love it sounds like convenience. I wonder if you have actually had an open discussion “ I’m with you because of x y and z”, it doesn’t sound like you have. It sounds like you have assumed which is very different to an honest relationship. You are young op and could end up trapped in this situation if you are not careful. You may not love him but he may love you.

I thought this. Realistically if you want to be a SAHM with lots of money one of his sons would have been a better shout… doubt they’d be up for it now but if you’re brave you could give it a try. 😂

Good for you.

It's no one else's concern.

Save your salary and buy yourself a property!

If any of this is true PatchworkCow · Today 15:21 says all that needs to be said.

If not true I agree with your last paragraph.

Her "salary"?

What is her job title?

What rate of tax is she paying?

What will you do when he gets too old for all this?

I know of a couple like this. The sad thing is, the man is paying for the ex wife as well as the young woman. After a while his businesses seemed to have problems and he then struggled to pay the rent of the young woman, but she probably didn't know, all the while expecting the fancy cars, holidays and accommodation. I suspect that he hung on to the fantasy as long as possible before appearing to end up bankrupt. Of course the young woman left him when the money dried up. The ex wife was probably more furious and heartbroken than ever as presumably she lost the marital home he still funded. The ex wife was his age. His kids probably hated him even more.

I can understand why someone may go for this 'arrangement' but it has no longevity and surely is stressful? How will your older years be funded, will you return to a day job? Or find another lusty old man?

Clickbait ragebait bollocks.
I know that AI slop is as badly structured as E.L. James but this post takes the piss...

You want a relationship and children, but you want a wealthy partner. You want to be able to be a SAHM (at least to start with), have access to domestic help (cleaner, gardener) and possibly a nanny.

You're currently not working, and unless the older man you are seeing is paying for your NI contributions, then you will have gaps within your working life, which will effect your state pension. You need to be, being given enough money, by this man, so that you can save a proportion of it.

If you want children, further down the line, then it's not going to be with this current man. So you need to look at this particular arrangement as temporary. In order to meet someone you actually want children with, then this arrangement will need to be temporary. Don't waste your young years on a man old enough to be your Dad. You aren't going to inherit from this man, so staying long-term would be a mistake.

You are exchanging your company and sex for gifts/money. If he wasn't wealthy, you wouldn't be having this type of arrangement with him. You wouldn't have looked at him once, let alone twice. Therefore, be honest with yourself, it's transactional, and falls under the prostitute/escort label. Equally, if sex wasn't on the cards from you, he'd have moved onto someone else who would provide it! So the transactional aspect works both ways!

No, it isn't any one else's business but you can surely understand why those people you tell, would be shocked? Of course his children aren't going to be keen on the arrangement, because they don't want their Dad taken for a fool.

Lol! Also these type of shallow rich men aren't interested in a woman in their mid 30s, so OP has max of like 3-4 years to find a baby daddy... If she definitely never wants kids then the arrangement with the old man makes a bit more sense, but to me it still doesn't seem like the best deal in the world.

And as a single 29 yr old why wouldn’t that be more than enough to be living a pretty good life, so I’m curious as to what life OP was wanting. No judgement on the age gap, though I can see why it doesn’t sit well with his kids.

I see a lot of unnecessarily harsh judgment being thrown at the OP.

She is doing nothing wrong. If the sugar daddy wishes to spoil her, that is his choice and his prerogative.

Dare I say it, at least she is benefiting from an arrangement she has chosen, rather than being run ragged, cheated on, or mistreated under the cover of something more “respectable.”

She knows what she is doing.

Why should it make her cringe?

Depends on the person. There's some men probably around your own age that would make you cringe more.🤢

It depends on what you define and value as “work.” If she’s raising their child/children and doing the bulk of the housework/admin (or vice versa—he does the same), whilst the other is the primary breadwinner, it’s hardly the same kind of transactional relationship the OP has with her client.

Agree 100%.

No she isn’t. Plenty of wives have sex with their husband for transactional reasons, whether that’s to keep the peace or to just oil the wheels of the marriage. OP is willingly having sex with someone she is also choosing to date.

You are absolutely selling yourself, but there's nothing wrong with that as you both know why you are really with ecahother, and not making promises of love or commitment. If I was your friend, I suppose I would just be worried about how this would affect your future and you wasting your youth. You're at the age when people start to marry and have kids, maybe you don't want that in life. Are you planning on staying with him until it runs his course or is this a long term thing until he dies? Either way, it's nobody's business.

😂. Wise woman.

It is nothing to do with anybody else you’re right, but sugar babies are often considered sex workers. Boundaries have been blurred, you both need to be clear of the expectations otherwise somebody will get hurt.

It's up to you how you want to carry on a relationship, but you can't control what other people think of it. If that bothers you, that's on you.

How is she 'benefitting' exactly?

She's not a penniless immigrant from a poor country with nothing but her looks and youth to trade. She's a 29 year old who supposedly was earning £100K a year. She could have afforded a very comfortable life on that salary, with an entire career to look forward to. She could also have sought out a relationship with a high earning colleague closer to her age, with the security of marriage if that's what she wanted.

How does her current, extremely precarious situation 'benefit' her?

I thought sugar daddy relationships were defined more around women in their university/college years, around 18 to 25. This relationship sounds more like an age gap based on your age, OP.

Whatever it is, enjoy it OP if this is your dream to dance to the tune of a man holds the purse strings and dangles them to suit him not only for the sexual relationship with a woman half his age, but to his own family. You don’t have to explain to anyone.

She's receiving a substantial allowance and having her rent paid. Her life is leisurely.

I think the arrangement is fine.

For me this is where you've shit the bed proverbial speaking.

You arent going to walk back into a 90k a year job.

If you'd kept it on for 5 years and had 500k invested generating passive income I'd be like 'Good for you girl"

As its you could be homeless with no ability to earn and few designer handbags in 3 yrs

Get a good IFA.
Save your cash, sell on your handbags and shoes and whatever onces hes forgotten about them. Go for jewelry over bags

Get investing.

Out of interest what type of job do you think pays £100k if you don’t believe it’s done in an office? I work in HR and earn over that. So do countless jobs in finance, legal, communications, IT, marketing, especially in London. The disbelief on this thread about that part is confusing.