To think my age gap / sugar baby relationship is nobody else’s business?

[spicysugarbb]

AIBU to think people are being hypocritical about my relationship?

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I’m 29. Until last year I worked in an office job earning just under £100k. I wasn’t struggling, but equally I wasn’t exactly living the life I wanted either.

About 18 months ago I met a man in his early 60s. He’s very wealthy. Before anyone asks, yes, this is essentially a sugar relationship.

He pays my rent, gives me a monthly allowance, takes me on holidays, buys me lovely gifts etc. In return, we spend time together, go out for dinner, weekends away and yes, we have sex.

The thing is, it isn’t as transactional as people imagine. We do the whole “love you” thing, kiss goodbye, hold hands, cuddle on the sofa and so on. But I honestly think we’re both cynical enough to understand exactly what we’re doing. I know I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t wealthy. Equally, I doubt he’d have pursued me if I were his age. It sounds awful written down, but it feels strangely honest.

We’re genuinely fond of each other and enjoy each other’s company, we make each other laugh, we’ll happily spend hours talking over dinner, watch films together, i look forward to his messages during the day, but neither of us is pretending it’s some sweeping romance.

The issue is his family.

He has children who are roughly my age. They’re polite enough to my face, but I know they judge me. I completely understand why they might. From their perspective I’m probably just some gold-digger waiting for their inheritance - despite the fact there’s a will to ensure I get nothing. But equally, they’re all financially comfortable because of him, so I do wonder whether they’re judging me for benefiting from his money while being perfectly happy to benefit themselves.

A friend also found out recently and was horrified. She said I was “selling myself” and couldn’t understand how I could live like this.

I don’t really see it that way. Plenty of people marry primarily for money or status and convince themselves it’s love. At least we’re honest with ourselves.

So… AIBU to think it’s nobody else’s business, as long as we’re both consenting adults who know exactly what the arrangement is? Or is everyone else right and I’m kidding myself?

No, he is not a pervert. He's just doing something that he can afford to do and gives him, and by what she says, the op pleasure. She is not underage, she is adult. She is 29, he is 60, so what?

I can understand why his children may not like it. After all they see him as dad, an adult and parent to them, not as a man who still has desire and is sexually active.

I feel weirdly sad reading this thread and very grateful for my family unit- a partner I love and respect, and children who I have the best bond with. That is what the OP should be aiming for instead of wasting her youth on an old man because he pays her rent.

He's just doing something that he can afford to do and gives him, and by what she says, the op pleasure.

Where does the OP say she gets 'pleasure' from having sex with this man?

She has basically said straight out that she's only in this 'relationship' because he is essentially paying her. You could call it transactional. Or something else.

Let's be honest. There are many marriages that are transactional. He pays all the bills. She doesn't work. I think women that depend on a man are mad, but plenty do. I think the distinctions between the different types are artificial. At least @spicysugarbb is being honest.

Well…….it isn’t really anyone else’s business as you’re both consenting adults but make sure he’s not lining you up to be his carer in his old age…….just saying.

I can think of quite a few - especially in London. Although they are very likely to be in finance/banking or the legal sector. Alternatively, in one of the high-tech companies that are moving into London.

"I’m 29."

And, yes, even some women in their twenties are doing these sorts of jobs.

I wouldn't have given up a £100k a year job for this, and still be renting but then I'd never want to be a kept woman with no security..

I'd want to own my own house before I retired. What are you going to do when this relationship ends? Are you hoping he changes his will.or buys you a house or something?

They do. None that could do, but two close friends (sisters) both earn in excess of £100k a year. Something in computers/databases. Their colleagues earn the same.

You know what OP in either scenario (your comfortable home life or the one you are currently living) you are being breathtakingly naive.

In neither scenario are you financially independent. You are currently renting and it doesn’t sound like you are saving to buy anything. And in both scenarios you end up with no pension. Financially vulnerable.

I guess you might think, it’s ok, I’ll marry someone rich. But they rarely do spousal support and you will still end up having to run a home with costs and no career or pension.

Yes is not anyone’s business but you should be making your future your business now.

If I’m a mum, I’d like to be comfortable (housekeeper, easy access to childcare, time and money to look after myself too) rather than constantly spinning plates.

You're not going to have children with him, at least not with his consent, and realistically you've got around a 10 year window now to try to start a family. That aside, while wanting a comfortable life is not a character flaw, your ideas seem a little elevated over your true position (a housekeeper?)

What's your plan if he moves on to #sugarbabymark2 tomorrow, or meets someone he wants a long term relationship with?

But they aren't married! And never will be.

Their 'arrangement' lasts only as long as he wants it to. The minute he gets bored of shagging her, it ends. And she has no legal recourse or rights to a penny of his money.

I don't judge you OP. But if your goal is husband, kids and a SAHM life with lots of money... Why have you put yourself in what seems like a prostitute type situation with an old man in his 60s?

Surely more sensible to keep your job for a year or two more, snag a man who's like 40 and very senior at work, quickly marry him and stop work.

Genuine question, because you aren't amassing any "proper" wealth from this old dude, and it sounds like you want kids and marriage. Despite what the media tells men, the vast majority of men are infertile/have incredibly low quality sperm by their 50s and definitely by their 60s +

It’s nobodies business but yours. The only thing I would say is think about your future. Do you want kids?

My mother once said it was better to be an old man's darling than a young man's slave

And also fell genuinely in love with her, of course.

What about being an old man's temporary paid sex partner?

No different to a husband who runs off with another women leaving his SAHM in the shit.

As I said, depending on a man (IMO) is not a plan.

@spicysugarbb Not being able to live the life you want on a whopping £100k salary is financial incompetence.

I’d be very wary about expecting that someone else will provide you with this life as a sugar daddy.
A close relative had several sugar daddy relationships in her 20s and 30s. She didn’t work or build a career for herself as she wanted to be looked after - and she was with nice holidays and gifted a car etc. But she never owned anything of her own and although she got engaged to an incredibly rich man in her 30s (he was 60s) who promised he wanted kids, she called it off as it turned out he didn’t really. I don’t think he wanted to swap a girlfriend and a lifestyle of bars, fancy restaurants and cruises for a wife and kids.
She ended up becoming a single parent in her 40s on a minimum wage job and living at her parents.

Edited to add: after splitting with the last guy she look for nice well paid guys closer to her age but as @Thegoldenoriole says they get snapped up. Most of them are with equally successful women. Hence she ended up solo parenting - which she’s really happy with, but a very different life from what she was expecting.

"I also don't like that it maintains patriarchal values"

I think it's just more to do with money. Take a look at Madonna for example.

She's 67 and is currently in a relationship with a 30 year old man from Jamaica. I'm sure that he is receiving some nice gifts from her.

I think Caroline Aherne put it succinctly when she asked Debbie McGee, the 20 years younger wife of Paul Daniels, "So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Yep, marriage is highly unlikely. Replacement with a 22 year old the instant she becomes 30 is far more likely. It's naive to think otherwise, and incredibly foolish to have given up work for this role.

Yes, I think that scenario would involve a lot more security than OP's situation. It's a very old saying and predicated on marriage.

A "temporary paid sex partner" is the literal definition of prostitute.

Obviously it’s no one else’s business.

However, if I knew you IRL, I would be somewhere between concerned and put off by you having such a very cynical approach to love and relationships.

Given you want children and you’re already 29, you need to decide in the next year or so whether you want them with him (tricky on numerous levels I imagine) or end it with this man and find someone else. Men with money who would make good fathers and decent partners get snapped up quickly - I’d stop wasting time with the old boy and get out there asap. In a few years you will find it a whole lot harder to find a baby daddy than a sugar daddy.

I’d be angry that my mum’s share had been squandered in this way. Fine that your Dad squandered his, that’s his right. My DP and myself have both worked hard and only have our children but we have set things up so that our share of our home ( our main assest) is protected from this. Neither of us have worked so hard for it to be spent on a stranger.