AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

[RunningOnTeaAndHope]

My son is 7 and currently on the waiting list for an autism and ADHD assessment. One thing we’ve struggled with over the years is how he reacts to gifts.
He isn’t intentionally unkind, but he doesn’t always respond in the way people expect. Sometimes he won’t seem particularly excited, won’t say thank you straight away, or will be very honest if something isn’t what he wanted. On occasion he’s become focused on something else and barely acknowledged the gift at all.
My family have started referring to him as rude, spoiled or ungrateful, and it’s becoming a source of tension. They often bring up examples from the past as evidence that he doesn’t appreciate things people do for him.
The thing is, I don’t believe he’s trying to be rude. He can struggle with social expectations and often doesn’t seem to realise how his reactions come across to other people. When reminded, he will usually say thank you, and he does often enjoy and use the gifts he’s been given.
I’m finding it difficult to know how much of this is typical 7-year-old behaviour, how much may be linked to possible AuDHD, and how much I should be pushing him to respond differently.

Has anyone else experienced this with a child who is autistic, ADHD or AuDHD? How did you handle family members who interpreted it as bad manners or lack of gratitude? I’d be interested to hear whether this improved with age and understanding, and what helped.
My DP (his dad) is similar in some ways, he doesn’t come across as very grateful when he’s given gifts, he’s always been that way.

You are quite right OP you need to teach him the response you want him to give so it becomes automatic for him. Maybe teach his dad too 🙂

The comments on here prove exceptionally well why our children with needs need intelligent, informed support.
To most of the commenters, ts not your fault, you just don’t know any better yet.
perhaps with time you will gain understanding and knowledge and even better tolerance of what you don’t get.
Dont ask our children to learn from you if you aren’t smart enough to learn from them
Good luck!

Yes, this ^^ a gazillion time over!

I'm so fed up of people telling me that they think their chid has ADHD because of their poor behaviour - maybe they do, maybe they don't, but a bit of parenting wouldn't go astray /tangentover

Everyone with autism is affected differently. Many can learn to say thank you appropriately (including my two) and this is important through life.

However birthdays (and other occasions like Christmas) can be very stressful. They are off routine. There's the pressure of being expected to like gifts, and demonstrate that. Surprise gifts with a social pressure of appreciation before you've had chance to process the situation. The expectation that despite all this pressure, you're supposed to have fun and be hapy and show it.

Autism can affect body language and how that interacts with feelings (and may not present in a conventional way). There's having to filter your thoughts and feelings if they don't meet society's checklist. Where some people can mask through that, it's exhausting.

While parents should do what they can within their child's needs to help them live with the world around them, equally if relatives care about a young autistic family member, they can also learn about that child's needs and how they may differ from typical behaviours. Logically, if a 7 year old can overcome a social/ communication disability, their adult relative must surely be capable of learning that their presents don't have to be recieved with performative gushing enthusiasm too...
If a relative is more bothered about a lack of enthusiasm than the wellbeing of their young relative, that's not particularly polite either.

I used to pre-prep my dc for recieving gifts too, and give them a script to use.

But your family could be a bit more understanding too.

I think my dc are quite polite generally, but I have a vivid recollection of dd2 at age 3 (who we now know has autistic) crying and crying on Christmas day because she received extra gifts as well as the doll she had asked for, and she was overwhelmed. She wasn't being rude.

This. The education works both ways with family members. My DS6 also does not always show joy/excitement in his face. (Several times we've had to ask "are you ok?" when he's being doing an activity he loves...) I tell family about this. I also discourage unexpected gifts because it sets up an element of the unknown that can be hard to manage (am I going to get a gift? What if I don't? What will it be? Etc).

Some autistic kids really cannot deal with presents, especially wrapped ones, because it's too many unknowns and I think close family should accommodate this.

But also, I absolutely remind my DS6 who can manage this about socially expected responses. And I'm quite honest about the white lie! I explain that even if we don't like a gift, or we already have it, we say thank you because we are thanking them for the effort as well as the gift itself.

Yes, you might practice and practice and still sometimes he might but overwhelmed or not manage it, like all kids sometimes can’t. But it’s still worth trying!

Yep that’s it. Hear it all the time from friends and colleagues etc. Their child would just be shy or a procrastinator or rude - and they’d be ohh they’re suspected (lol) ADHD. Or you know you just need to do some parenting? If the only thing you have to go on is a child’s procrastination or them talking over others or something (just making up examples) then why the hell was autism your first assumption?! Hardly anything to go by.