AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

[RunningOnTeaAndHope]

My son is 7 and currently on the waiting list for an autism and ADHD assessment. One thing we’ve struggled with over the years is how he reacts to gifts.
He isn’t intentionally unkind, but he doesn’t always respond in the way people expect. Sometimes he won’t seem particularly excited, won’t say thank you straight away, or will be very honest if something isn’t what he wanted. On occasion he’s become focused on something else and barely acknowledged the gift at all.
My family have started referring to him as rude, spoiled or ungrateful, and it’s becoming a source of tension. They often bring up examples from the past as evidence that he doesn’t appreciate things people do for him.
The thing is, I don’t believe he’s trying to be rude. He can struggle with social expectations and often doesn’t seem to realise how his reactions come across to other people. When reminded, he will usually say thank you, and he does often enjoy and use the gifts he’s been given.
I’m finding it difficult to know how much of this is typical 7-year-old behaviour, how much may be linked to possible AuDHD, and how much I should be pushing him to respond differently.

Has anyone else experienced this with a child who is autistic, ADHD or AuDHD? How did you handle family members who interpreted it as bad manners or lack of gratitude? I’d be interested to hear whether this improved with age and understanding, and what helped.
My DP (his dad) is similar in some ways, he doesn’t come across as very grateful when he’s given gifts, he’s always been that way.

Autism is not rare. A lot of people used to fall through the cracks.

My (almost) perfect dd 11 cant always manage fake happy. She will say thankyou but she just doesnt get enthusiastic about gifts. She is sensitive, loving and kind but if you give her a gift wanting a wow this is amazing reaction you will be disappointed. Often I only know later what gifts she liked based on what she uses. I would say she is not materialistic. I wouldnt judge any child in my family based off their reaction to my gift. Think saying its spoiled or ungrateful is unkind and not needed. If they say thanks with a smile then thats enough. I dont go on about it with her because i find any criticism genuinely hurts her feelings and does make her feel bad. She knows to say thanks and thats enough imo.

You haven't taught him to say thank you yet?

That's probably why he doesn't say thank you and everyone thinks he's rude 🙄

But I can’t be the only one thinking that we’re medicalising personality traits. Oooh I’m so adhd, no you’re just disorganised. Ooh my child may be ND, or they might just be shy. I get that the falling through the cracks is accurate, but equally everyone and their dog these days is ND. I have myself wondered if I am ND but after speaking with my GP I think it’s more likely than not a combo of my existing MH problems (anxiety and depression) plus personality traits (procrastinating, introversion, etc)

Anyway, sorry, just thinking out loud 🤓

What a load of ignorant bollocks 🙄 do you know anything about autism?

Do family members give him gifts who. you are not expecting them to? If so, I’d explain to relatives that he needs a little time to process it - but he should always say thank you.

Before Christmas and birthdays you need to prepare him and as a pp said, get him to think about what the gift giving involves so he is aware of that.

My DS2 had to be told not to mention the amount of money he’d received when he was roughly your DS’s age. I explained why we don’t list how much people have given - after one awkward birthday moment! I practised with him how to respond to gifts before his next birthday.

Well for me, personally I was diagnosed as being autistic at 37 and I have 3 autistic children - it’s genetic. When I think about who I was at school with, I can identify quite a few others who likely were also autistic.

So it is more common than people used to think but that doesn’t mean it’s not a disability. The diagnostic criteria is very specific and should involve several professionals at least who all agree with the findings of the others.

My 6 year old daughter has PDA but can be relied upon to be polite and have good manners when the occasion calls for it.

i have a child with autism he’s now 8, we discuss how to accept gifts on the way to see family when it’s birthdays or whatever. Yes he struggles but it’s no excuse to be rude. The discussion on how to accept gifts must be no more than an hour b4 we see relatives or he’s forgotten.

No, it’s not ‘rudeness’, because that implies a deliberate act and there’s no intent positive or negative behind the immediate reaction from someone with Autism.

It’s about time you put your thinking cap on and actually considered life from the perspective of someone who is wired very differently to yourself. They’re not snubbing you deliberately at all but just not reacting in the way you would like them to.

It’s actually much easier for you to control your own reactions than for someone in a wheelchair to get up and run a marathon. And you’d accept the limitations of the person in the wheelchair, wouldn’t you?

Your comment reminds me of certain types of folk that go to church every Sunday and they’re the most insufferable and obnoxious people you could ever have the misfortune to meet. They feel themselves superior and you should hear them slagging off their neighbours and friends, but they’re sweet as pie to your face.

I for one, have had enough of judgmental arseholes like that, thanks all the same. ☺️

My neighbours child has Autism . If l gave him a present or a treat he would never react but his Mom would say " he is smiling on the inside" which l totally accepted. We cannot expect with autism to react like other children. Also my nephew said some very direct things to my mom when she gave him clothes instead of toys..she thought it was hilarious and he is now studying for a PHd and has wonderful manners. Kids are not always prepared to toe the line and its not the end of the world.

My AuDHD son was taught manners so he always knew to say thank you when someone gave him something, regardless of what that something was.

Having a diagnosis of AuDHD doesn't mean manners can't be taught and good behaviour can't be curated.

He (and his dad) need to learn to perform the appropriate response.

A polite performance of gratitude has nothing to do with what they actually feel about the gift - just as people asking ‘how are you? Or ‘All right?’ don’t really want to know how you are, or whether you’re all right.

Young children can get away with honesty, older ones will be perceived as rude. All social behaviour is learnt, for all of us. It’s just easier for some of us to learn than for others - so effort is required.

That was probably me as a child, my parents were older and naturally older grandparents too.

They never bought me what I actually wanted and what my friends were wearing/playing with/watching etc. They always thought they knew best and bought what they wanted not what I wanted. I remember saying things like, "oh that's not the one I wanted, I wanted the red one this black one is no good" much to my Mother's horror🤣!

So he’s got to 7 without you or his dad teaching him basic manners? Sorry but this is appalling parenting.

It's something you need to both manage and teach him.

My oldest doesn't do poker faces. She's not ASD, although has some traits, and we practiced as others have said managing an enthusiastic thank you. One thing I did that helped was said to her that we could always exchange a gift.

You'd see her face getting tearful, which could be really awkward. Turned out rather than her being upset at getting something she didn't like, she was upset because the person had wasted money. So we decided what we'd do in those cases was work out someone who would like it and then the money wasn't wasted and she had the pleasure of giving it - and she loved giving presents.

My youngest has ASD and we had a couple of times when he was very blunt, however more that he does not do enthusiastic opening ever. Even if he really likes something he'll probably just say "thanks" and put it to one side. So part of managing that is if he needs to open presents in front of someone, which he doesn't like doing, then make sure the giver is aware that he's not going to burst into tears of joy, clutch it to himself and promise never to get rid of it. That's my middle one's approach to receiving presents!

If he likes it later maybe you can take a photo of him playing with it / wearing it or whatever captioned that actually he does love it.

I had to tell my dd at that age that even if we don't like the gift we are saying thank you for the thought and effort someone has put into giving us something in the hope that we will like it and get joy from it. That is why we say thanks. And if we don't like it we don't need to say that we love it but we also don't need to say anything bad about it..

Having said that at 7 I think your relatives are a bit harsh on him. Nd or not obviously 7 years old are still learning about manners and might not always get it right.

My DD does not have an autism diagnosis (although she definitely has traits, as does her father; I work in education so know how hard a diagnosis is and she’s very high functioning so we’ve spent her life helping her learn and cope with social situations because even with a diagnosis she’s have to).
We learnt very young that she did not cope well with surprise gifts. Because ….. she didn’t want the thing. If you got her something and she hadn’t asked for it she’d say ‘but I didn’t ask for this’. She wasn’t being rude she was being honest. I think she was also worried about having to have and play with something she didn’t want (and maybe us saying ‘well you don’t need a doll because you’ve got one, but that wasn’t the one she wanted, etc).
We taught her very young to say ‘thank you’ for gifts. We said we could sort it out later if she didn’t want it. She was fine with that. We also asked close family not to get her surprises. They were fine with that (for the most part, they at least always kept the receipt!)
Her dad is very similar. If I gave him a present he didn’t want (or need) he’d say ‘why?’ Again, polite to others as an adult should be.

If you think about gift giving it’s an odd one really. Someone is saying ‘out of all the toy cars / tops / dolls / handbags (etc) I think you will like this one best’. Often without even asking you if you want one never mind if you like that one. I can see why a child who is more rigid in their thinking might find the whole process bizarre.

It doesn’t matter if he’s AuDHD or not, you should be teaching him about how to act in social situations just as you would with an NT child

My DS is diagnosed with ADHD and he's the same with gifts - he often has a strong imagination of what he expects to receive and then feels strong disappointment in the moment when he doesn't receive that thing - but then later often absolutely loves the things he did receive...

Exactly! All you have to do is say thank you. We all have to live in the real world, people will think you are rude and ungrateful if you can’t say thank you.

Having autism doesn't mean you're incapable of saying please and thank you. It's also not a get-out clause to be rude and ungrateful to people.

I say that as someone who has autism and who was raised in a family full of people with autism.

It doesn’t really matter though if he isn’t “trying to be rude”. He’s being rude. Regardless of if he has ADHD or whatever, he is going to have to learn how to interact with people in a proper way, or no one will like him. I would switch your focus on how to instil manners in him, instead of putting the blame on your family.

OK, I'm going to take each of these in turn:

But it’s really not difficult to say ‘thank you’.
For anyone.

Actually, it is. If you don't have the social script, then you don't know what prompts a thank you and what doesn't prompt a thank you. Think of it like this: Most people, when they're walking along, don't have to think about picking up their feet, in the right order, and putting them down again, in the right order and in a particular way. It's just an unthinking thing that we do. We half-knowingly, almost subconsciously, avoid hazards. My son is epileptic. That bit of his brain isn't there. It's not automatic for him. Therefore, every step that he takes is intentional. Now take a load of the social things you do, and imagine that every single one of them has to be intentional. It actually is quite difficult. Some understanding around this would be appreciated by all those autistics who find it difficult.

You 'stopped putting her through the pain of surprises' and you think this will help her grow and be comfortable in the world she will live in for all of her life?

Yep. She's now in her 30s and earns an extremely high wage working in IT. She's pretty darn comfy. Engaged to be married. Your point is, therefore, lost on me.

You're right, it is exhausting, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do it. I'm autistic too and I am getting increasingly sick of people saying "but I can't possibly be expected to do that, I have autism."

Thing about autism is that we don't all have identikit personalities. The people annoying you, who also annoy me, are basically 'refuseniks'. But there's a difference between excuses and reasons. An excuse is something that's using some weird flimsy evidence, e.g. 'I don't have to do that because I'm autistic' or 'You should do that because it's what nice people do.' Both are just junk. There's no logic in either. A reason, on the other hand, is able to use evidence and explanation to prove its point, e.g. 'I'm autistic. I find surprises really hard to deal with. This is probably because I have slow processing speeds and this means that I panic when I'm put on the spot and so shut down or seem to say things without thinking. Therefore, it can be helpful for me to have thinking time as this effectively stops me blurting stuff out that I don't need to say and you don't need to hear. Thank you. Anything that I can do to support you, as well, please just let me know.' This invites people to me, in advance, and reduces surprises. Hope that helps.

Right, but the fact that someone has slower processing doesn't mean that they can't eventually learn the reflex of "receiving gift = saying thank you". It might be harder. It might take them longer. They might get it wrong sometimes. But they can still learn.