AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

[RunningOnTeaAndHope]

My son is 7 and currently on the waiting list for an autism and ADHD assessment. One thing we’ve struggled with over the years is how he reacts to gifts.
He isn’t intentionally unkind, but he doesn’t always respond in the way people expect. Sometimes he won’t seem particularly excited, won’t say thank you straight away, or will be very honest if something isn’t what he wanted. On occasion he’s become focused on something else and barely acknowledged the gift at all.
My family have started referring to him as rude, spoiled or ungrateful, and it’s becoming a source of tension. They often bring up examples from the past as evidence that he doesn’t appreciate things people do for him.
The thing is, I don’t believe he’s trying to be rude. He can struggle with social expectations and often doesn’t seem to realise how his reactions come across to other people. When reminded, he will usually say thank you, and he does often enjoy and use the gifts he’s been given.
I’m finding it difficult to know how much of this is typical 7-year-old behaviour, how much may be linked to possible AuDHD, and how much I should be pushing him to respond differently.

Has anyone else experienced this with a child who is autistic, ADHD or AuDHD? How did you handle family members who interpreted it as bad manners or lack of gratitude? I’d be interested to hear whether this improved with age and understanding, and what helped.
My DP (his dad) is similar in some ways, he doesn’t come across as very grateful when he’s given gifts, he’s always been that way.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be encouraging lying but saying thank you can be taught as a rule sometimes I think. Even if he trots out “thank you very much for your present, it’s very kind of you” on repeat I think that’d be great.

As other posters have said, you'll have to train him respond appropriately. What can also help mollify feelings is you sending the giver a photo of DS using/playing with the gift along with a message saying how much he's enjoying it. If it's grandparents or older generation, you could get him to do a card. Or a " thank you" in Lego or something.
I've been quite put off giving presents to people who don't acknowledge them.

This is something you have to teach your children they don't do it naturally

I agree with waiting to open gifts later, so you don't have the awkward reaction.

But I'd also try to have an agreement with family that they ask for suggestions instead of buying random stuff. Random presents are often just a waste.

I'm NT, but I don't much like random presents as I really just want to say "why would you think I'd want that?" I think it stems from my grandmother repeatedly buying me tat jewellery and giving my brother £10, because she couldn't buy him jewellery. I would have much preferred £10.

My ND daughter doesn't like surprises, even when I know I've chosen something she would want, I tell her in advance because she is happier that way and I respect that preference.

It's a skill everybody has to be taught. You need to teach your child. Practice appropriate responses before birthdays, Christmas, etc, and do a pep talk before the guests arrive. Then prompt him when a gift is opened if necessary.

Whoever brought up your DP dropped the ball. Do the relatives comment on his lack of manners?

Meant to add*

If your child can write, a thank you card is always a good idea even if the gift giver was thanked in person when the gift was opened.

My son is AuDHD and we have had this issue many, many times. As others have said we keep him before hand and discuss acceptable responses.
He went from not being to fussed for gifts then one year tearing through without really looking or responding. I was really cross and pulled him up on it. His response was 'I knew what it was straight away. It's a ......and it cost.....and it was on page .... of the Smyths catalogue ' 🤣 In his eyes he didn't need to spend a long time looking at it especially when there was a bag full to get through. The same year he picked up a jumper and said 'clothes?! Boring' I nearly died.
We are a few years on now and he is much better at responding in a socially acceptable manner (with gifts if nothing else!)

I'm autistic but wasn't diagnosed until an adult.

I can vividly opening my Christmas presents one year and saying, in a very grumpy and disappointed voice, "I've already got this game!"

Luckily, the gift giver wasn't there to see my reaction but my parents still took the time to explain that the person didn't know that I had the game and it was very thoughtful of them to get something that they thought I would enjoy.

Autism is no excuse for rudeness. Parents can help autistic children to cope with social situations by practising in advance.

Many autistic children won't be able to fake enthusiasm but can learn to say thank you politely. If that's not good enough for the gift giver then it becomes a them problem.

I’m in my 60’s and no matter what words I use, my face always gives the game away when I don’t really like something.

To be honest, I think if a gift giver has major expectations of gratitude from the receiver, then the problem lies with them.

Yeah this is absolutely something you can practice.

i taught mine to say thank you even if they hated it and we had a system where if they really hated it/it was a duplicate (pil were horrendous for this) I’d give them the money and sell it on eBay.

in the end they were more enthusiastic about the stuff they didn’t want and you could see the pound signs in their eyes

People are so weird about gift giving. Mine are autistic (now teens), and learnt early on about smiling and saying thank you when they received a present, but actually don’t like getting presents at all from certain family members as it causes them so much stress in case their reaction is ‘wrong’. The family members’ lack of consideration and inappropriate expectations extends into other things and my kids choose to interact with them as little as possible.

My son struggles and it takes him longer to learn social skills he is 13 and today when invited to someone's house for a play date he said oh no in a voice that made it seem like the worst thing ever suggested the child who invited him was also neurodivergent fortunately didn't hear what was said didn't understand meeting someone then inviting them straight over to your house doesn't always end well its all practice practice social skills practice responses he attends a special school and they work on it a lot

You need to practise with him saying thank you and remind him beforehand that if he doesn't want it he should still say thank you politely and not mention he doesn't want it. Regardless of ASD this is one of the simplest social scripts to teach and there's really no excuse for him not having learned it by now.

I always feel embarrassed when I get presents especially when younger. I’d go silent and say thank you then leave. I’d feel nervous because everyone would be staring at me. I’d open it later when they were gone. I am not autistic. My daughters are the same way with other people but different with us! It’s an unlike of too much attention for us three! I’ve taught mine to always smile and say thank you.

Even NT children need to be taught to say 'thank you' for gifts. I know a fair few NT children that can be dismissive if the present isn't EXACTLY what they asked for. But ND children tend to have less of a filter. My AuDHD eldest DD took a while to learn that she wasn't being grateful for the gift, per se, she was being grateful that someone had remembered her and bought something for her.

She is much better now, even if she does only ask for things for her new garden.

This is painful to read. As a nearly 60 year old autistic woman, I recognise all those 'you should be polite, show some manners, behave appropriately' tellings off. Why? It's so exhausting having to learn the right scripts for everything, remember how to deploy them properly, and 'fix your face' to look convincing. I believe it was my attempts to stay on top of this endless game of masking that made me develop a very deep seated anxiety. What if I forget the appropriate reaction? What if I accidentally upset someone? What if everyone just thinks I'm rude and, therefore, a horrible person?

Thing is, gifting should be graceful not transactional. I don't believe expectations should be attached to it, otherwise it's just a kind of contractual exchange. Giving a gift is just that, all about giving, nothing to do with receiving - validation / gratitude / sense of satisfaction / whatever.

Anyway, one of my daughters is also autistic. We stopped putting her through the pain of surprises when she was about seven. Made everyone much calmer and happier.

That's really fun and a cute way for kids to learn 'thank you, that's lovely' regardless of emotions. I wish I'd heard of this before!

I’m autistic with autistic children. You have to teach the ‘correct’ response which is ‘thank you’.

He probably can’t see the point in lying but you can explain to him that it’s the thought that counts and that even if the present wasn’t what he wanted, the person’s intentions were good.

One my children was like this, still is actually and is NT. Their face is very readable an if they don’t particularly like something their expression can show that. What worked for us was not opening gifts in front of giver, but to always say thank you and that they’d open their gift on their actual birthday, or on Christmas Day - if given beforehand, or that they were going to open gifts later. They would then always write a nice thank you note or as they got older send a text message. We were fortunate though that most relatives put cash in an envelope rather than an actual gift and cash was always well received.

Your family are being unfair (assuming they know he’s autistic). But you do need to teach him
appropriacy although it may take a while to bed in, depends on how well he learns different types of things.
unfortunately children are often too honest and our autistic children are too honest for longer!
Model the correct behaviour and redirect him
and if family make these comments again (and I hope it’s not in front of your son) maybe just explain he is taking longer to learn social norms and if they find that hard to accept then it’s better not to get him
anything or just something small that won’t upset them so much if it’s ignored or rejected. My son loved opening presents for the sensory aspect but unless it was something connected to an interest he’d just put it to one side (eg: one year all he wanted was blue shoelaces so nothing else registered. My mum, who gets autism, got him the blue shoelaces and was suitably rewarded by his absolute joy)
It took a while to teach him to pause, say thank you, before moving on to the next thing.
and then in the days and weeks after he’d just be focused on one thing, so I learnt to put stuff out of sight and introduce one new thing a week. It’s overwhelming for them and actually he’s doing ok and he will learn if you keep to consistent modelling and corrections - but it’s not a quick fix. Autism is literally a social and communication disorder primarily so expect the unexpected and prepare your relatives for the same. Judgement won’t help or teach him the correct response.
Oddly my son got better at receiving presents once I started helping him get presents for others. I think he really got a kick out of giving so somehow that fed back in to his understanding of reciprocity.

he’s been in charge of his own gifting since he was 17 and gets some really ‘out there’ gifts but he’s put thought in to it and that’s really what it’s about.

all this stuff is really heavy work if you are on the spectrum.
find strategies for educating your family and choose your friends wisely. Your son will be ok - slow and steady wins the race and you need supportive people along for the ride with you. Good luck with the assessment. FWIW your DP prolly a bit speccy too. My DP also very under reactive to gifts although he’s improved over the 25 years he’s known me. Takes time ! ;-)

But it’s really not difficult to say ‘thank you’.
For anyone.

The way I see it, teaching him basic social graces will mean that he doesn’t become lonely and isolated because he rubs people the wrong way.

It’s for his benefit. I’m definitely in the camp of not forcing autistic people to mask but there are nuances.

You 'stopped putting her through the pain of surprises' and you think this will help her grow and be comfortable in the world she will live in for all of her life?

We are talking about saying thankyou for a gift.

Autism is not an excuse for rudeness. I say that as someone with autism whose natural instincts don't always conform to societies expectations 😂

He needs to learn to smile, say thank you and be polite. He doesn't need to give his opinion or tell someone their present isn't what he wanted.

You must teach him the appropriate polite responses.

You're right, it is exhausting, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do it. I'm autistic too and I am getting increasingly sick of people saying "but I can't possibly be expected to do that, I have autism."