AIBU to think my son’s gift reactions are not just rudeness?

[RunningOnTeaAndHope]

My son is 7 and currently on the waiting list for an autism and ADHD assessment. One thing we’ve struggled with over the years is how he reacts to gifts.
He isn’t intentionally unkind, but he doesn’t always respond in the way people expect. Sometimes he won’t seem particularly excited, won’t say thank you straight away, or will be very honest if something isn’t what he wanted. On occasion he’s become focused on something else and barely acknowledged the gift at all.
My family have started referring to him as rude, spoiled or ungrateful, and it’s becoming a source of tension. They often bring up examples from the past as evidence that he doesn’t appreciate things people do for him.
The thing is, I don’t believe he’s trying to be rude. He can struggle with social expectations and often doesn’t seem to realise how his reactions come across to other people. When reminded, he will usually say thank you, and he does often enjoy and use the gifts he’s been given.
I’m finding it difficult to know how much of this is typical 7-year-old behaviour, how much may be linked to possible AuDHD, and how much I should be pushing him to respond differently.

Has anyone else experienced this with a child who is autistic, ADHD or AuDHD? How did you handle family members who interpreted it as bad manners or lack of gratitude? I’d be interested to hear whether this improved with age and understanding, and what helped.
My DP (his dad) is similar in some ways, he doesn’t come across as very grateful when he’s given gifts, he’s always been that way.

I agree. I find it strange that by the age of 7 the op hasn't started teaching her child to say Thank-you. Children are not born with manners. They need to be taught ND or not.

All children need to be taught to say thank you.
Just teach him a polite smile and a thank you and then maybe send the relative a video of him playing with the gift later on.

Or have a pack of little thank you cards that he can write later on

Might be more than just about the gift? I find it’s the surprise that can be hard to handle. This can of course also apply to other stuff like mealtimes and visitors etc. Family rules can be helpful - polite thank yous after you’ve opened a gift, being allowed to not love/keep a gift once the relative has left, keeping surprise gifts to a minimum and low cost.

2 out of 3 of my kids are diagnosed ND. My daughter is more aware of social expectations than my son but it’s never hurt to have a rundown of rules and what to say to people before a party or similar. He doesn’t always get it right but he does a pretty good job most of the time but doesn’t always sound as sincere as other people might. But it’s as important for him to learn these things as it is for other people to accept him for the wonderful but socially awkward person he is by nature.

He should have been taught to say thank you long ago.
Good manners are really.important to me and clearly NOT to far too many people, as people always seem surprised by/pleased with how polite my 8 year old AuDHD twins are.

You seem to be suggesting a trained response: get gift, say thank you. A bit like a dog: sit on command, receive treat. B F Skinner calls this operant conditioning. There's some great studies around about how you can train most people to do almost anything with operant conditioning - the Milgram Experiment springs to mind. Not 100% sure that society should be advocating we seek to have everyone trained in this way.

Regardless of extra needs? My 7 year old is autistic and non verbal, how should I teach him to respond to gifts?

100%, it’s another demand and expectation on a child who’s nervous system is struggling with it. The praise and delight upon receipt of a gift are only for the adults benefit.
yes, some ASD/ADHD children can be told or instructed to act a certain way and manage it but it’s purely hollow. Some children will just be feeling intense pressure of expectations on them to behave a certain way, as if they don’t experience that enough in their day already. We shouldn’t give gifts for a certain reaction anyway. Fairly obviously from my post it might be clear I have a child myself with these diagnoses and I have found that often gratitude and delight can come a little later for gifts and things. There have been christmases/ birthdays where some things have been acknowledged a few days later with pure joy because they’ve had time to process. Never underestimate how stressful changes in routine like special events can play havoc for some.
Beong given presents is overwhelming and embarrassing for some and that’s if their brains are typical!

All children need to be taught to say thank you

Mine can’t talk. There are many, many words I’d like him to say before ‘thank you’.

Well, that's what happens with NT people. They learn that they have to say thank you when they receive a gift, just as they learn to say please when they want something, or excuse me if they need to interrupt someone.

People with autism might find it harder to learn those responses, but doesn't mean that it's impossible - and yes, that might mean training it. That's why we use social stories - to explain to them that when X happens, they need to do Y.

That's how my parents taught me and it's how a lot of autistic people learn the rules of society.

My 9 year old autistic son would never and doesn’t respond appropriately to gift giving.

he has a Pathological demand profile so even the idea of teaching him to wouldn’t work. He can’t cope and manage the expected demands of social norms. We don’t even give him suprise gifts ourselves.

he chooses everything. Nothing is wrapped. Most of the time it’s just there as if it’s always been there.

I don’t actually allow anyone to give him gifts now directly it upsets him to much. Family etc they will hand something to me. I’ll always say thank you but they are placed like they have always been there

You receive a gift, you say ‘thank you’. Easy.

A potential ND diagnosis does not excuse a lack of basic manners. All children need to be taught to be polite, it's not natural or instinctive to any child. If he doesn't automatically say thank you, you prompt him to every time.
If he doesn't like the gift, you teach him that he still has to say thank you and to acknowledge and appreciate the thought and effort behind it. Sometimes relatives press for a verbal reaction, they say "do you like it?" or similar. I told my black/white thinking kids to find anything about it they did like so they could truthfully say something positive "that's my favourite shade of blue" said about an ugly jumper, for example

Nobody is suggesting we create automatons who would electrocute another experiment subject or blindly obey orders.

The vast majority of children are trained to observe social niceties and it does them no harm whatsoever. Waiting their turn at the playground, refraining from snatching toys, saying please and thank you even for passing the ketchup, raising a hand before speaking in class, etc, are all explicit taught by conscientious parents and by teachers.

You seem to be suggesting a trained response: get gift, say thank you

yes, exactly that.

They’re people, not dogs.

The ignorance and refusal to learn on this thread is so sad. And quite pathetic

Agreed. Everyone seems to be, then moaning there is a waiting list.

Also any excuse for any kind of behaviour, yet “on the waiting list”

In your quest to be contrary you seem to be suggesting that it's in a child's interests not to make him aware of how to navigate the world he'll actually have to grow up in.
If he goes out for dinner and doesn't say thank you to the waiter, friends/dates will think he's rude.
If he gets a job and doesn't say thank you to someone who trains him or helps him with a task, people won't want to help him and his life will be harder.
Would it be better to learn to say thank you? Or in your view is it better to outcast yourself lest you become an automaton

This in spades.

It amazes me how many parents - both NT and ND kids - seem unaware of the fact that it’s their job to raise their children to be functioning adults, as much as is possible. The number of parents who don’t instil manners or correct bad or dangerous behaviour is baffling.

A particular mum at the school gate has a 3 year old who zooms around and causes havoc. She just stands there and tells everyone how wild he is while he makes a beeline for a busy main road!! It doesn’t occur to her that she can do something about it, or that she has any authority over or responsibility for her own child.

You’re glossing over the the fact that every single person on this planet has to be taught things whether they have autism or not - none of us grow up instinctively knowing manners or social niceties, we’re taught them by our parents, teachers and peers as we grow and learn.

I’m autistic myself by the way and am incredibly grateful my parents didn’t just brush me off as being incapable of learning basic niceties just because of my diagnosis.

You are the problem as op stated she will start teaching him to say thankyou. Multiple people on this thread with autistic children have taught them to say thankyou to gifts. Saying he/she is autistic so can't help it without even trying is the problem. This is something most people teach their children from the start, op child is 7 and has never been taught this so obviously doesn't know to say it manners don't come naturally in any children its something they are taught

My son doesn’t look excited when opening presents because he’s autistic and doesn’t really do facial expressions. We have taught him to say thank you though . you also might need to talk to family and explain it’s his disability and he’s not being rude or entitled.

It's worth explaining to your DS that adherence to social niceties makes everyone's day a bit less stressful. Explain how it's done and he'll probably be very happy to do it. Speaking here as the parent of a DS9 AuDHD PDAer who genuinely means well and is happy to be polite.

7 might be a bit young and your DS might find them too girly, but I've found Noël Streatfeild's books (Ballet Shoes, Curtain Up, The Painted Garden, Apple Bough, When the Siren Wailed, etc.) really helpful for DS learning about social niceties, what others are thinking vs. how they behave, etc. They're also useful because they almost all have "fake" nice people in them which is useful for discussions about genuine vs. fake behaviour vs. social niceties, and why people behave like that.

It’s because they’re people not dogs that we teach children manners! There’s a difference between learning to consider other people’s feelings and behaving politely and coming to heel or whatever. Writing a child off as unable to learn consideration or empathy because they may or may not end up with a diagnosis of autism is just not fair to the child

Exactly. The number of people on this thread who are willing to write their autistic children off as incapable is so depressing.

Yes, they may never understand the real ins and outs or the whys, but that doesn’t mean you can’t teach them what to do in different situations - in fact, you are massively letting them down if you don’t.

I was watching a TikTok account recently with a young adult with autism and his parents were still working on teaching him how to behave - it’s a lifelong process for many but their dedication and insistence that he could learn was heartwarming.