Page 8 | AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

OnTheWatersEdge · 2026-08-02T09:18:34+00:00

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger. When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them. The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces. Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know. AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

MaggiesShadow · 02/08/2026 15:51

Skippyasyermuni · 02/08/2026 15:44

I wouldn’t be able to let it lie, but I usually do poke the bear and maybe make things worse 😳.

I think I’d have to text my brother and say, “I heard you were unhappy with our gift to X. We thought we got her something she would enjoy as she seemed to really want that perfume and some money to go shopping seemed a nice gift for her age. We won’t be paying for her driving lessons as she has her own mum, dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It’s such a shame you don’t seem to value the gift we did give, but we think we’ve always been generous and welcoming and will continue to do so. But we will of course see our nieces a bit differently, just like your wife’s family see them differently from her child. I hope this doesn’t cause any issues in the future and I’m glad X was so pleased with her gifts when we saw her.”

I'm like this too and would probably do something similar but I have learned that it really is fueling the fire.

OP's brother is an adult. If he has a problem it's his job to bring it up. If he stays silent then it remains his problem and not OP's.

Thankfully, step-niece doesn't seem to be as ungrateful, rude, and entitled as the adults in the situation so it's probably better to let it blow over.

Mingou · 02/08/2026 15:52

Moonnstarz · 02/08/2026 10:39

Wow that is significantly different, especially as she has been part of the family for 8 years.
I would definitely be miffed too.

Show quote history

of course it's different, she's there aunt. She is not this girls aunt.
It's not weird or wrong to give more to your relatives than to others.

nomas · 02/08/2026 15:53

Ecstaticmotion · 02/08/2026 12:48

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

I don’t think we’re the ones ‘lacking in reality’.

If a 17yo is shaped by her step-aunt not giving her £1,000 then that’s not on her and parents, not OP.

nomas · 02/08/2026 15:56

MILLYmo0se · 02/08/2026 15:44

To be fair if I made the decision to cover the cost of my nieces driving lessons, and therefore obviously her slightly younger sister too, it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be expecting me to cover the same 7 years later for the ten year old that has recently come into the family. I would have to halve what I gave my nieces in order to cover the 2 step children too. Now if they d been in the family since toddlers and id always know I was dealing with 4 rather than 2 children maybe I could have saved more, but at the same time why should I feel like I have too rather than their parents extended families

Show quote history

Agreed. Why are people remembering what happened 7 years ago and applying it to a step-niece?

Vanillaicelatte · 02/08/2026 16:04

I gave my niece 250 in cash
a camera that she wanted ( around 150)
a bag that was around 60 for her 18th

she just passed her driving test a month after her birthday and bought a car so I filled her car with petrol & paid for a mini service , got her full RAC cover for the year and paid to have a apple car play media installed for her

There is no way I would even consider giving anything to her step sister . I barely know her .
a card if I remember that would be it

my niece is my family I speak to her regularly been on holidays with her and I’m as proud of her as I am my own grown up child .

I always get my nieces lovely presents for Christmas & birthdays they are my family

her step sister is just the child of someone her dad married .

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2026 16:10

I wouldn't mention it.

Your step-niece has an involved father in her life. It's not as if your brother has been in her life from babyhood. If anything, her biological father could view it as you stepping on his toes if you handed his daughter £1k for driving lessons. For all you know, HE may want to do that.

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 16:25

YANBU.

You’re fine. He may consider his stepchild to be equal to his actual children, but she’s not your niece and you aren’t obliged to consider her to be, or to have the same relationship with her as you do with them.

Quitelikeit · 02/08/2026 16:26

There is no right or wrong here

The fact she has her own fathers family, her mums side means that you are a bonus side - therefore she has three sides buying for her

I think it was very kind of you and I’d love you to have been my step aunt!

Sensiblesal · 02/08/2026 16:27

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 11:13

No, it was £50 and other gifts for STEP nieces. Totally acceptable.

I would be interested to know that the step nieces’ dad bought for the OP’s nieces? Do you think he is spoiling his ex-wife’s step children to any degree at all?

Show quote history

Why would he buy gifts for kids he has no connection too?

Boreded · 02/08/2026 16:28

With all of the context you’ve provided I see no issue at all in what you’ve given her, I suspect your brother was hoping not to have to pay for driving lessons for her 🤷‍♀️

She sounds like she was happy, and she got a nice set of presents and money so I wouldn’t worry.

Your parents probably shouldn’t have said anything to you (unless he asked them to)

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 16:35

Ecstaticmotion · 02/08/2026 12:48

Wow so many people are so horrible on this thread. How many of the people who have said it’s fine what she’s done have grown up as stepkids? I can’t even be bothered to talk you all through how effed up and simply lacking in reality this biologically obsessed orientation is, but just know that how you treat children shapes their whole selves and lives. Eurgh.

That is something for their parents to consider, preferably before they teach their children that of course those they are related to in law consider them equal to biological relatives. That is not something that can be assumed, and expecting it is likely to lead to hurt.

No one needs you to explain anything, least of all reality, considering how in denial of it you seemingly are. Biological ties matter to the vast majority of people, as they have since time immemorial across all cultures. Thinking they shouldn’t doesn’t mean they don’t, no matter how much you may complain about it.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 02/08/2026 16:39

Sensiblesal · 02/08/2026 16:27

Why would he buy gifts for kids he has no connection too?

Show quote history

Well, then why should Op buy [expensive] gifts for her brother’s step children?

TreesinthePark · 02/08/2026 16:42

OP, I don't think YABU and by the sounds of it neither does your step-niece.

I had a step-nephew years ago (via sibling's now ex-partner) who was fully embraced by my family and was effectively the first grandchild. However, he was a bright, cute and well behaved toddler who was an absolute joy.
If a new, older step-niece/nephew appeared in my family I doubt I could muster the same enthusiasm. No hostility, but my relationship with my biological teen nieces is enough for me and I'm not particularly open to adding to that.

HollyhocksandPeons · 02/08/2026 16:44

I did not even know they existed - step-nieces? How odd. I think it all stops at step-children, the rest are just randos, sorry. You were far too generous anyway.

MyDarlingRose · 02/08/2026 16:45

PrettyPickle · 02/08/2026 13:58

In all honesty I suppose it depends on how you want to be perceived in your relationship with your stepniece.

I have a step-grandaughter and I treat her exactly the same as my biological grandkids, she is a child and even though she has a full and good relationship with her absent bio Father, she lives as part of our sons life and we accept her as such. I want to be treated as her real granny and so I treat her as my real granddaughter and put biology aside.

If the message you want to send is that she is not your real niece then crack on. There is a big discrepancy between £50 and £1000. £1000 is a very generous gift for a 17yr old. What have you done in previous years, have you given her less then too?

Then I say to myself that perhaps you didn't give her the £1000 as you felt you only gave it to your bio nieces as you knew their parents didn't have the money for driving lessons and you are assuming your stepniece's bio Father did and I could see a case for that argument had you explained that beforehand, setting expectations. But intention doesn’t erase impact.

I see why your brother is disappointed in you, he’s upset about what it means for his stepdaughter’s place in the family. I think you have handled it without consideration for how this would be received emotionally. I think you have basically sent the message that your stepniece is not as important to you and if that is the message you wanted delivered, you have probably achieved it.

No-one can tell you what to do with your money, £1000 is very generous and I think you need to have a conversation with you brother about your rationale and if it doesn't stack up, you may want to reconsider the size of the gift you have given to your stepniece but when two children in a family receive £1000 each for a milestone birthday, and the third -who has been part of the family for eight years - receives £50, that isn’t a “slight difference in circumstances.” It’s a statement. Whether intentional or not, it communicates:

You are not equal to them.
You are not my responsibility in the same way.
I don’t see you as part of the same circle.

And once that message is delivered, you can’t un‑ring the bell. Even if you now try to “top up” the money, it won’t erase the original choice. It will look like damage control, not genuine inclusion

grandparent and aunt are quite different relationships.
To be angry with someone because they paid for two of your children’s driving lessons but not the others almost a decade later. Incredibly entitled.
I am a stepdaughter and step sister. They aren’t my mum or brothers. I don’t even know their aunts and uncles. We’re good friends and that is all. We aren’t family. Why on earth would I consider myself equal to them with their bio family? We aren’t and never will be and that fine

OneNewEagle · 02/08/2026 17:01

You have given a lovely gift. Driving lessons are for her parents to pay for. some kids don’t even want to learn to drive my DC never has.

TheRagingCrumpet · 02/08/2026 18:32

You really didn’t think about this?

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 18:32

be careful, OP. My aunt did this with her step-grandchildren and it created a massive rift in the family- the relationship with her son never recovered and he even talked at her funeral about how hurt he had been by her sidelining his stepchildren.

IonianNerveGrip · 02/08/2026 18:49

Iris2020 · 02/08/2026 13:54

There's an almost identical thread where the OP is being told that of course her brother's step children don't need to be treated the same as nephews and nieces.
Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

Tbf that's the way the majority of votes have gone here too.

WorkCleanRepeat · 02/08/2026 18:57

He is being very unreasonable. You were doing him a favour paying for his girls' driving lessons. His step daughter's Dad can pick up the tab for hers.

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 19:18

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 18:32

be careful, OP. My aunt did this with her step-grandchildren and it created a massive rift in the family- the relationship with her son never recovered and he even talked at her funeral about how hurt he had been by her sidelining his stepchildren.

It’s a shame he thought that appropriate to demand of his mother.

Conversely, there’s a current thread about a father is in the process losing his relationship his actual children because of his insistence on his stepchildren being considered equal to them.

saraclara · 02/08/2026 19:26

BIossomtoes · 02/08/2026 14:34

This blood nonsense makes mine boil.

But it is a significant thing. OP's nieces will always be her nieces. They're family for life.
Step children are only your family while their parent and step parent are together.

My DD's in-laws treated her BIL's step kids as their grandchildren. Loved them, treated then the same as their blood grandchildren, and were financially generous to them. Five or six years later, BIL and partner split up, and DD's PILs never saw them again, and were broken hearted.

My DGD remains confused as to why she doesn't have cousins any more.

BarbaraVineFan · 02/08/2026 19:35

InterIgnis · 02/08/2026 19:18

It’s a shame he thought that appropriate to demand of his mother.

Conversely, there’s a current thread about a father is in the process losing his relationship his actual children because of his insistence on his stepchildren being considered equal to them.

Show quote history

He and his wife have now been together for about 30 years and he has brought the stepchildren up as his own from the ages of 3, 5 and 7, so I can see why he was ‘ demanding’ it.

ParsleySageToiletDuckAndBinBags · 02/08/2026 19:36

Butchyrestingface · 02/08/2026 16:10

I wouldn't mention it.

Your step-niece has an involved father in her life. It's not as if your brother has been in her life from babyhood. If anything, her biological father could view it as you stepping on his toes if you handed his daughter £1k for driving lessons. For all you know, HE may want to do that.

Yes, indeed - it could well boil down to OP being the baddie if she gives her step DN a grand or the baddie if she doesn't.

BIossomtoes · 02/08/2026 19:40

saraclara · 02/08/2026 19:26

But it is a significant thing. OP's nieces will always be her nieces. They're family for life.
Step children are only your family while their parent and step parent are together.

My DD's in-laws treated her BIL's step kids as their grandchildren. Loved them, treated then the same as their blood grandchildren, and were financially generous to them. Five or six years later, BIL and partner split up, and DD's PILs never saw them again, and were broken hearted.

My DGD remains confused as to why she doesn't have cousins any more.

Edited

Show quote history

That can happen in families that share DNA. The only person in my family I have a blood relationship to is my son but almost 30 years in my step kids’ lives mean I’m just as close to them. I never see any of my cousins who are my only other blood relatives. It’s nonsense.