AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

It is horribly grabby of him to have been counting on money from you. Because basically it is also a gift to him - it’s money that now he may feel he needs to pay out. But he can’t reasonably feel it’s your job to pay for his kids’ driving lessons, that’s insane.

On the other hand, it is a huge difference and perhaps a little unkind to the child for her to see such a distinction made.

So a bit on the fence here!

What other family does she have?

It’s hard. I grew up as a stepchild and my stepdad was abusive but so were his parents. They would spend hundreds on my half brother and wrap something up from around the house for me. I’m not saying you’ve done this here, you still put a lot of effort in and spent a lot on her. I can see why your brother is upset if this is something you often do though, you mention always buying your nieces more so it will be noticed.

Having said that, you were massively generous with 1k of driving lessons and he’s grabby to automatically expect the same 7 years later for his SD.

You sound very generous OP and the fact that there is a significant age difference reduces the chances of comparison. Your DB is being entitled.YADNBU.

Sad for the neice to have to miss out because her parents split up.

You have categorically done the correct thing. SD is not related to you. You have been generous and kind.
…. typo

I think this is where there are blurred lines within blended families. Personally I think you’ve been very generous and way more than my kids get even from me let alone an aunt. If I was your brother I’d have been gracious and not mentioned anything to your parents, may have had an opinion and wanted to moan to you but realised that was below the belt. He has not known her since a baby and now she is part of his life but not legally, it is a lovely thought of yours.
personally I would leave it, if you still feel aggrieved about a decision and want to clear the air, if you can afford it offer her £150 towards the car / car insurance as a peace offering. I just find it sad people are grabby and do not just take the gift with good grace.

You bought your step daughter a thoughtful generous present, which she loves. Your brother is being mercenary and judgemental. Ignore him. If he grows a spine and challenges you, you can completely justify your decision about how you spend your money.

I have 2 SS both adults in there 30s I’ve been in there lives 25 years

I still leave all the presents , visiting arrangements to my DH & I just tag along

my son who is my DH stepson they do genuinely think of each as father and son as he has brought him up since he was around 3 years old and I am certain that if I wasn’t around they would still have just as close of a relationship

but I do all the birthday gifts / presents for my son and my side of the family and just put his name on any cards and gifts

my DH is very close to both of my nieces and has been in their lives since they were born and they think of him as their uncle

But I don’t expect my DH to financially support my son or buy gifts for my nieces & nephew

That was a choice he was free to make for himself, not one he was entitled to make for anyone else.

Same. Family members who were very keen to point out there's a difference or treat differently have been ditched, they aren't missed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly this.

I have a step-niece. I treat her the same as I do my nephew. We all do.

Reading all your updates it appears that for other birthdays/Xmas they get roughly the same (given the age difference, £100 go further for a younger girl than £200 for an older one I'd think) so they have been treated fairly/equally however one would put it other than the 17th birthday?
Do you think your brother is being "grabby" as others have put it? Or do you think he's genuinely upset at "his child" being treated differently? If its grabby, I wouldn't bring it up but if you think it's because he's hurt then I'd talk to him.

Don’t raise it. He’s being petty and rude by mentioning it to your DM. If he feels that strongly he can talk to you. But mostly he’s horribly misguided if he thinks everything should be equal.

I wonder if he would even have been happy if OP had indeed given his SD £1,000 too - as what if he then complained that she'd still given her less in real terms than half-sisters, and it should have been increased to allow for inflation, especially in relation to the ever-increasing cost of driving lessons?

I just think that, with his attitude, OP is going to be 'wrong' whatever she does or doesn't do.

How do you think she feels?

Congrats.

YABVU.

Maybe your DB isn’t offended by the lack of present but by the message it sends, basically saying there are different to your blood nieces, which of course they are but it still smacks a little to him potentially.

But at the end of the day it’s your money and you can do what you like with it and you sounds thoughtful and generous too. You don’t see them the same , but they aren’t the same as this is the complexities of blended families. I think the difference in present is very stark here though. I just hope the SD wasn’t expecting lessons and he hadn’t put that idea in her head because that would a) be wrong as it’s down to you and b ) sad and disappointing for her.

Im a bit on the fence with this one. My SGPs won quite a large amount of money on the pools when I was a kid and they gave me and my sister some which was very kind and their blood GC ( my half brothers) much much more. It definitely hurt and was a bit of a moment of realising the lines . We had been in their lives for longer than their own GC but it was clear to us that they saw us differently. Fair enough but still hurt ( not as an adult) but as a kid it definitely did. It’s tricky. I personally wouldn’t differentiate in these circumstances ( assuming I had the money to do it) but that’s because I’ve been a SC and know how good it feels when you are treated the same. I don’t blame you though, it’s tricky . I would chat to your brother and just explain to clear the air .

Hmmm this is a tough one. My first reactions are that: 1) your gifts to your nieces were unfathomably generous (£1k driving lessons!?!!); 2) your gift to step-niece was very generous in terms of more normal levels of gift-giving (eg I wouldn’t spend anywhere near £100 on a gift for any niece/step-niece, maybe £50 for an 18th but not any other birthday); 3) your brother seems very grabby & greedy; and 4) if he expected driving lessons he should have discussed this with you beforehand.

People may understandably tend to give less to step-children because those children may have their own biological family to give them gifts.

What was the reason that you chose to treat DSN very differently from DNs?

Don't give it any more thought. The SN&N have 2 biological parents of their own whose job it is to sort out driving lessons. What you did 10 years ago for your own nieces is irrelevant. Your brother shouldn't assume otherwise.

Personally and I haven't read the thread, just the ops posts. Its cuntish. Sorry this girl came into your family as a 10 year old child. Either she's family or not. My wife's brother has kids, they have kids...they ain't my blood but if anyone hurt them I'd be looking at a life sentence. You either love a child or you don't...if your heart doesn't then ok. But its cuntish

Because she should have communicated that difference or lack of finances be BEFORE giving her step niece a much 1/20th of what her bio nieces got, so it was understood to be a change in circumstances and not an evaluation of the step nieces worth within the family.

Her brother is presumably trying hard to integrate his stepdaughter into his family and this will not help. But the damage is done now and there is no undoing it. 8 years of being in this family is more than half of this kids life.

Nope, I strongly disagree. This was a delicate situation and if she wasn't going to give her step niece the same, she should have communicated this before hand at least to her brother as not the message she has given is that she does not value her stepniece in the same ways she does her bio nieces and that step niece has been in the family more than half her life. We are talking a kid here who has already had a fractured life, she is not an adult.

I am also someones stepdaughter and stepsister and a stepmum.

She can get away with giving less if she explains the rationale before hand, but this is a kid, a kid who as been in the family for more than half her fractured life and the signal her Dad has clearly picked up upon is that she is not valued by her aunt in the same way her stepsisters are. She is a kid, not an adult and its not fine.

It is totally fine, and OP isn’t her aunt. Most people do value their nieces and nephews over someone who isn’t either. This girl isn’t the same to her as her actual relatives, and she’s under no obligation to pretend that she is. That isn’t to say OP should be unkind to the girl, and she wasn’t.

It isn’t OP’s fault that her life is ‘fractured’, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to provide for her what her own relatives may not.

Its the message it gives that child which is she is not perceived as equal to or as valued as her step sisters. she has been in the family for 8 years, more than half her life. OPs brother will have tried so hard to integrate her into the family and this says his family don't feel the same, it have to be a blow, a lack of solidarity from his own family. I get it.