AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

My sister in law does exactly the same. She treats my daughter (her bother’s step daughter) as if he were her biological dad. I appreciate the grammar is a bit off, but you get my drift 🤣🤣

In all honesty I suppose it depends on how you want to be perceived in your relationship with your stepniece.

I have a step-grandaughter and I treat her exactly the same as my biological grandkids, she is a child and even though she has a full and good relationship with her absent bio Father, she lives as part of our sons life and we accept her as such. I want to be treated as her real granny and so I treat her as my real granddaughter and put biology aside.

If the message you want to send is that she is not your real niece then crack on. There is a big discrepancy between £50 and £1000. £1000 is a very generous gift for a 17yr old. What have you done in previous years, have you given her less then too?

Then I say to myself that perhaps you didn't give her the £1000 as you felt you only gave it to your bio nieces as you knew their parents didn't have the money for driving lessons and you are assuming your stepniece's bio Father did and I could see a case for that argument had you explained that beforehand, setting expectations. But intention doesn’t erase impact.

I see why your brother is disappointed in you, he’s upset about what it means for his stepdaughter’s place in the family. I think you have handled it without consideration for how this would be received emotionally. I think you have basically sent the message that your stepniece is not as important to you and if that is the message you wanted delivered, you have probably achieved it.

No-one can tell you what to do with your money, £1000 is very generous and I think you need to have a conversation with you brother about your rationale and if it doesn't stack up, you may want to reconsider the size of the gift you have given to your stepniece but when two children in a family receive £1000 each for a milestone birthday, and the third -who has been part of the family for eight years - receives £50, that isn’t a “slight difference in circumstances.” It’s a statement. Whether intentional or not, it communicates:

• You are not equal to them.
• You are not my responsibility in the same way.
• I don’t see you as part of the same circle.

And once that message is delivered, you can’t un‑ring the bell. Even if you now try to “top up” the money, it won’t erase the original choice. It will look like damage control, not genuine inclusion

Exactly. Do they?

I suspect what has happened is that your brother has raised your step-niece's expectations that she will be getting the money for driving lessons.

OP's brother doesn't appear to be upset that the relatives on his wife's side don't ever bother getting his own daughters anything for birthdays and Christmas.

OP bought driving lessons for her nieces at least seven years ago when their step-siblings were about 10. They wouldn't even have been aware of the cost of driving lessons at that age.

OP has spent £100 on her step-niece for her birthday which is quite a lot considering the lack of reciprocation on the other side of the family towards OP's nieces.

Well, they are with their dad EOW, so it’s not OP’s problem if he can’t offer to pay towards his DD’s driving lessons.

I agree, Bro had expectations that were absolutely bizarre and bitched to his parents about it. In their shoes, I’d have told him he was being ridiculous, and to expect that level of gift from his wife’s ex and their family. I would never have mentioned it to OP.

I hope DBro isn’t expecting OP to leave his step kids the same as his bio kids in any wills because if he is, and his steps kids are getting an equal share of his/new wife’s estate, then they are going to be better off than OP’s nieces because the step kids will inherit from the Ex/his family too. I hope OP will consider sorting out her will so that it benefits her nieces … but would not say a word to Bro or parents if that is what I chose to do because I suspect he has expectations there, too.

Step families take many shapes and forms and whether or not you treat stepchildren (or step nephew and nieces) the same as blood relatives depends on what the stepchildren are receiving from their other family.

If someone has a problem, it's their responsibility to bring it up. If he can't be mature enough not to do that, then ignore him.

The entitlement from some people is astounding. And your parents should know better than to gossip like that.

Nobody gets to tell anyone what sort of relationship they should have with a third party.

It makes me so cross - and it comes up all the time on MN - when adult children acquire stepDC and expect their parents and grandparents and siblings and friends to treat said stepDC as they themselves have chosen to (as bio kids, normally). Normally crops up around inheritances. This is trying to manipulate (“oh but they’re just kids and they’ve been through so much!”) and manoeuvre people into places and situations that benefit them and them only. It normally doesn’t even necessarily benefit the step-child in question other than superficially.

It’s really, really hard being a step-parent. Harder than being a parent imho. This is part of why it’s so difficult: you have to manage the child’s natural and normal reactions to the consequences of adults’ - ie, their parents’ - fuck ups. You DON’T do this by palming the work off onto people who don’t want to and never chose to assume the burden. You do this by being what you chose to be: a step parent.

Your brother is a cf. End of.

But she presumably has relatives on the other side of her family. Surely they should be the ones to chip in for the driving lessons for her - like her own actual blood aunties/uncles?

OP's DB is being very cheeky.

Also I would DIE before making a fuss of my sister not paying for my child's driving lessons. That is a parental responsibility in my view - not for other family members to fund.

Entitled beyond belief.

This blood nonsense makes mine boil.

But she presumably has relatives on the other side of her family.

I never understand this argument. Not all of us have family on both sides.

Your brother sounds hugely entitled. Regardless of what money you have or what gifts you have given before there should never be an expectation that you will do this again bio niece or step niece. It was unnecessary for him to voice his disappointment to your parents or for them to pass on this information. I may be wrong but I sense maybe you are the more wealthy member of the family and this might be why certain expectations have been placed on you. Please don’t give it another thought. As others have said your brother can not dictate your relationship with his stepchildren and decide they must always be treated the same aa the bio children. Also as previous posters have said this can then mean step children get presents from all sides and it’s the bio children who miss out! I was a step child myself and have step nieces and nephews and a range of things have happened. Some treated the same some not. No one comments ever. This is a personal choice and for what it’s worth I think you made a good one.

Its so hard with step children. I think the main difference in alot of these threads is that Step niece is still actively involved with her bio father.

If this was a thread on "i'm expected to treat them all the same" but SNs dads side of the family is wealthy, take her on long haul holidays, buy her designer clothes etc then that is massively unfair to the bio neices.

I think if the ‘children’ were similar in age and had a birthday in the same few months period spending 1000 on one and 100 on another would be bad form.

but if there are 6/7/8 YEARS between them a huge amount can change and I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. It sounds like your gift was very generous and more than I spend on my nieces 😂

I agree, the contrast in that situation would be hurtful. However, further to your point about the passing of time, a situation could arise in a non stepchild family whereby a generous relative gave some children a significant gift (eg 18th birthday), but due to changed financial circumstances couldn’t do the same for any younger siblings. Sometimes these things are just ‘one of those things’.

You don’t have to provide them with the exact same value of gifts. Given step niece was only 10 at the time of you gifting the driving lessons to your nieces I feel the expectation of you paying for SN’s lessons are from brother not SN as it was so long ago. This is a very different situation to you gifting nieces much more expensive Christmas gifts than SN ant the same time for example. Your brother should not have assumed you will pay £1000 for driving lessons for any child or step child he has.

Ah right sorry op, I assumed the birthday was in the last few years

No, I wouldn't say anything. He didn't direct his complaint to you personally, so why should you address his complaint?

I'd definitely not like to be told that I should give the same type of gift to someone I'm not related to as I do to my nieces. This kind of entitlement would make me not want to splurge on his children ever again. The nieces get a token gift and a card, and the step daughter gets a verbal "happy birthday, hope you'll have a wonderful day".

I hate when people blend families and expect the extended family to see people they barely know as blood relatives that should be treated as such. As long as you're polite and nice, and include these people when it's fit, I think you're doing all you should.

I think your gifting sounds lovely, thoughtful and generous OP

Your DB sounds greedy, how would he know if your circumstances had changed? You were incredibly generous to his older children and gave him the capacity to save for his DSD's driving lessons. Please don't be used, when you've been so kind

Fucking hell..... Yeah you clearly don't see her as family

I wouldn't be inclined to be generous in future. Give them all the same. ie a lot less. Then they'll all be equal.

That's fair enough though. Not everyone has to agree, and not everyone has to think that's how they'd feel but the OP is entitled to feel how she feels about her nieces and nephews, and step-nieces and nephews.

It doesn't make her a monster. It doesn't make her some sort of Disney villain. People have different levels of affections for different relatives and friends. That's just life.

To be fair if I made the decision to cover the cost of my nieces driving lessons, and therefore obviously her slightly younger sister too, it wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be expecting me to cover the same 7 years later for the ten year old that has recently come into the family. I would have to halve what I gave my nieces in order to cover the 2 step children too. Now if they d been in the family since toddlers and id always know I was dealing with 4 rather than 2 children maybe I could have saved more, but at the same time why should I feel like I have too rather than their parents extended families

I wouldn’t be able to let it lie, but I usually do poke the bear and maybe make things worse 😳.

I think I’d have to text my brother and say, “I heard you were unhappy with our gift to X. We thought we got her something she would enjoy as she seemed to really want that perfume and some money to go shopping seemed a nice gift for her age. We won’t be paying for her driving lessons as she has her own mum, dad and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It’s such a shame you don’t seem to value the gift we did give, but we think we’ve always been generous and welcoming and will continue to do so. But we will of course see our nieces a bit differently, just like your wife’s family see them differently from her child. I hope this doesn’t cause any issues in the future and I’m glad X was so pleased with her gifts when we saw her.”