AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

For me, it depends how your brother sees them, and they him. If he sees himself as their dad and they see him in that way, I’d treat them the same as the other nieces. If not, then as step nieces. I’d definitely talk to him.

Nope. Don’t bring it up. This is entirely his issue. If he brings it up, then you can absolutely have the conversation. Knowing that he didn’t discuss this with you directly but went to mummy tells me a lot.

Op spent over a £100 with cash plus the other gifts.

I mean 1 driving lesson would cost £50, so probably A LOT.

I think your brother is a CF-er though. Why should you pay for everyone's driving lessons by default?! He should be very grateful you paid for your nieces.

£50 is plenty for a step-niece.

YANBU- you are extremely generous generally, you’ve given far more to your step-niece than we give to our biological nieces and nephews. Paying for driving lessons for your biological relatives is amazing! They are all very lucky.

I'd really like to know if the step-niece's father gives the same to OP's nieces every time he gives money/presents to his own DD. If he doesn't, why on earth should OP?

Also, will he split his will four equal ways (assuming that he's the father of the step-nephew as well), when the time comes?

This. I hate these threads, really exposes the coldness of some people offering their opinions.

I agree with this.
You've done nothing wrong. But you're being punished for a good deed from years ago!

There are some times when it's mean and thoughtless and petty to distinguish between children and step children. This is not one of them.

How big is the gap between the older ones and the youngest one now turning 17? How does the younger one even know about the £1000 you gave to the old ones?

Sounds like your brother’s been keying her up and telling her she’s going to get £1000 from you. Ridiculously assumption, even if the third niece is biological things and times change

since now you’re not giving it to her he looks like an idiot and so he sounding off to your parents.

Your parents really agree with them?

had they all have had the 17th birthday at the same time- I.e. biological twin nieces And stepdaughter niece, As an example, Then you’d be being unreasonable.

But you are not. The fact that your brother spoke to your parents and not you would really piss me off

But OP got her step-niece some lovely gifts and money, totalling £100 which is perfectly reasonable for a 17th birthday. The step-niece was happy with her presents and she didn't know about the previous gift of driving lessons to her step-sisters.

OP has said that the relatives on her brother's wife's side do not buy anything for her brother's children so OP's brother and his wife have got a massive cheek complaining that a £100 gift isn't a £1000 gift of driving lessons.

Why on earth does he think its your job to provide driving lessons for a child that has a mum, a dad, a step-dad and extended family on both her mum and dad's side?!

Absolutely this

My nieces are now 23 and 24, step children are 17 and 15. I don’t know if she knows about the money we have given to the older ones. My parents didn’t give their opinion.

If they would have all had their birthdays at the same time, I wouldn’t have given her £1k as she isn’t my niece. She has her own relatives. The step children have been on holiday with their family before and my nieces didn’t get to go, quite rightly imo. If my brother had asked them to take his daughters, I would have thought he was very cheeky. As far as I know, my brother never asked them why they weren’t taking his daughters, so to us, it feels wrong that he was expecting us to do the same for his SD as we did for our nieces with the driving lessons.

You have done nothing wrong. Your brother had no right to complain to your parents. Sneaky and immature behaviour.
The step niece is not a blood relative. Does his wife's family treat your biological nieces as they do their own niece? I doubt it. Where does it end with the entitlement?
You said your step niece was happy with her present. Her step Dad and her Mum could take a leaf out of her book and act like responsible and mature adults.

I strongly suspect that this is less about him worrying she’ll feel she’s been treated unfairly, and more about him realising he and her mum will now have to come up with a way to pay for driving lessons themselves.

If he was really that concerned about how she might feel, he would have spoken to you in advance about what you were planning to get her so he could support her if he thought she might get upset.

Clearly, she wasn’t bothered, and in actual fact seems to have been delighted with what you got her. He’s the one that seems to have a problem.

You can’t tell from a quick glance at that poster’s posts that they are copy and paste jobs and don’t need to be read?

They? Do you mean 'her'?

You were mean if she has been part of the family for eight years. There's a huge difference between £1000 and £50, making it obvious she has lesser status.

Does anyone remember the thread where an OP planned a trip to Alton Towers, then all hell broke loose because she didnt invite the step cousins (who she hardly knew)?

Or what about the OP who wanted to take her nieces to the pantomime, but suddenly found out she was expected to invite her brother’s new girlfriend’s 3 children?

Just pure step-twattery, every time

The OP's nieces also had to live with separated parents, between homes and with a new step-family they had no say in. I also doubt their step-mother treats them the same as her own kids.

The OP's nieces also had to live with separated parents, between homes and with a new step-family they had no say in. I also doubt their step-mother treats them the same as her own kids.

So this has somehow become the OP’s issue/responsibility?

And there it is. I wondered if there was really some form of prejudice ‘she’s not really family’ thought process behind this, and there is. I didn’t need to look far.
this is why your brother is mad, he knows that this mentality is what lies behind it. She’ll always be 2nd class citizen to you because she’s not blood. I think that’s quite sad. Thank god he never adopted!

I completely agree with this. Don’t give the money if you don’t want to - as eveyone has said it’s up to you. But there are also nuances to that, social graces and complexities. It’s funny to be surprised by this.

OP has hurt her brother and I can see why. It’s not really anyone’s fault it’s just one of the tricky things about blended families. I agree though, OP has made her feelings quite clear and that might have consequences.

Definitely the brother and wife's expectations that the op would pay for driving lessons and is upset that she hasn't because that shits expensive. SN sounds happy with the generous gift she got.

i would message him and say £50 was more than appropriate, they have their own family members who can pay for driving lessons and their own two parents for that matter. He’s being a CF.

'Only' 8 years. 8 weeks or 8 months and i could understand what you're saying but 8 years!!! So I'm assuming the SD is 17, that is half her whole childhood. If op hasn't accepted her into the family by now and isn't treating her the same after 8 years she never will. If in the lead up to her birthday her 'Dad' has been saying what the other two kids got then I'm afraid she will always feel different to her 'sisters' and I think that is a very sad state of affairs. Her 'parents' have every right to be upset, no worse disappointed in you. But hey, it's your money.

I would have given all of them the same amount. Been in the family for eight years, why treat them differently?