AIBU for giving my step-niece less than my nieces for 17th birthday?

[OnTheWatersEdge]

It was my brothers step daughters 17th birthday this week. We gave her £50 and a few gifts. My brother also has 2 biological daughters who are older and a step son who is younger.

When my 2 nieces turned 17 years ago, I gave them money for driving lessons. I knew my brother wouldn’t be able to afford them and checked with him at the time that he was ok with me paying for them.

The amount I gave my nieces was significantly more than I have given to SD. I thought my brother was quiet after I gave SD her gifts and he has now spoken to our parents to say he is disappointed that I haven’t given the same amount to SD as I did to my nieces so that she can have driving lessons. It never crossed my mind to give SD the same as our nieces.

Would you say anything? Obviously he hasn’t spoken to me about it and I only know through parents. He knows our parents don’t keep anything to themselves so I feel like he wanted me to know.

AIBU to not have given the same? Would you say anything?

Reported for being a bot? Honestly if I were a bot, I’d at least have the sense to keep my replies under 500 words. I tell you what I am though soar, got repetitive strain injury from typing and my bed is calling.

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It’s funny because even the tone of the Chat GPT posts has gradually got more strident.

I wonder if that was a prompt from pickle or if even Chat GPT got tired of repeating the same line 🤣

I'm repeating myself because you don't seem to be understanding it and I have said there is a limit to how many different ways I can put it...and to say you aren't reading, how do you know I am repeating myself?

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That's fine, I don't agree with you either and thats why the OP comes on here, to get other peoples opinions and now she has a variety. Mission accomplished.

Back atcha! Night, time for bed!

It means they should be treated like family. If OP chooses to give biological nieces and nephews £1,000, then something on a similar scale is appropriate to the stepniece and nephew. It is a BLENDED family. That is apparently how her brother feels and understandably got the message that OP believes that although stepniece has been part of his family since she was a young child, she is still an unworthy outsider.

The brother can blend his family as much he likes but you can’t force the extended family to treat everyone exactly the same.

They are indeed a blended family, not a nuclear one. That means that the children of that family don’t all have the same relatives in common, and the relationships they have will reflect that. She hasn’t been treated like OP’s nieces because she isn’t OP’s niece.

OP didn’t choose to blend it though.

Her brother doesn’t have the right to decide that for her. If he had brought in 4 step kids do they all get the same from OP? What if his current marriage breaks up and a new one begins, does the current obligation to step niece cease and a new one for new steps begin?

At any point is OP allowed a closer relationship to the blood relatives whose lives she has presumably been part of since birth?

Giving SN a lovely chosen present to the tune of £100 doesn’t sound like she is being treated like an outsider

I have a bio aunt.
i get nothing from her. My sister gets loads.
They are close.

Seems fair to me!

Or am I an unworthy outsider?

No, some of them will always choose to be obnoxious cows.

You don’t know the “emotional reality” - the fact based reality is that OP is not her aunt and acts in a way that reflects that while still being generous. Step niece is happy with this. Entitled, ungrateful brother is not. It’s really very simple.

You’re massively projecting your own feelings, creating your own narrative and misconstruing almost everything that’s been said. I think you’d benefit from some quite intensive therapy.

Not that it really has any relevance but what did you Sil sisters buy for your nieces big birthdays? Is it really all one big happy family or just a expectation on you.

So the OP is an obnoxious cow for giving her step-niece £100 worth of gifts?

They won’t care because she’s not your step-aunt. Step-aunts, step-mums, step-grandmothers are expected to give, give, give. Step-uncles don’t have that much expectation placed on them for some reason.

It's crass to think you get a say in how someone else spends her money.

It honestly doesn’t sound like SN or their Mum were worried about the present, but more like your DB was counting on it, which is grabby. I really hope he hadn’t told SN that you would be covering her driving lessons, but I bet he’s the sort to do that and now he has to come up with it himself because that was never a promise you had made.

Apparently, you haven’t stopped reading, because here you are commenting on the post.

Could be,

I don’t think you need to gift equally, but the discrepancy here is so huge that it was always going to cause problems.

Your step-niece was in the picture when you gifted your nieces those huge sums, so it seems strange to me that you didn’t consider that you were setting a precedent. I’ve always considered that there might be potential future siblings I’d need to treat equally when deciding how much to give to friends’ or relatives’ first children, it seems odd not to have at least considered that giving her step siblings 10 times as much would cause a problem.

I am still not sure whether I should talk to my brother about this or ignore it and hope it passes. My husband thinks we should talk to him to clear the air.

The fact is that she isn’t my niece and I’m not going to give larger amounts of money to her. From our point of view, larger amounts are for our bio relatives only.

She has a father and other family including aunts and uncles that she sees.

He hasn’t come to you directly so no way would I bring it up.

Id also tell my parents not to act as his carrier pigeon again.

Honestly people need to stop treating step children like they are biological children when they have both of their biological parents on the scene actively supporting them.

Being a stepchild was the choice their biological parents made for them, and it is not up to the stepparent and their extended family to shelter them from that reality by splitting their resources with the stepchild.

I wouldn’t expect a step child to be given the same large sum of money. Fair enough if their bdays were closer together, but it was some years ago you gave 1k each to your nieces. I guess he is now thinking they have to pay for lessons, but she could get a job. You’re not responsible for paying for them. Maybe send a message addressing it. Your brother is rude in my opinion. You were more than generous and sounds like the bday girl was appreciative.