AIBU to snap after my mum kept calling a bike a trike?

[Crayo]

i am looking to get my daughter her first bike. She’s 5 and has had a balance bike before but never a real bike. Everytime I speak to my mum she asks me if I’ve found a “trike” yet. I keep telling her it’s a bike I’m getting, 2 wheels” and she always says “oh yes, you know what I mean”.

Well this has been going on weeks and literally everytime I speak to her she asks about the “trike” and I constantly correct her and say “bike”. She does have a habit of asking the same question for weeks at a time and she also has form for deliberately saying the wrong words for attention and it’s tiring.

this morning I was at my mums and my sister was there. I went to toilet and when I came back my sister said “not being funny but isn’t DD old enough for a proper bike now?” I asked what she was on about as I am getting her a proper bike and she said “mum! You said she was getting a trike!”

So I lost it, screamed and shouted “stop saying it’s a fucking trike!! You know it’s not so just fucking stop it”

my sister said “Jesus Christ is there any need for that?” So I told her she’s been saying trike for weeks and it’s winding me up so she said “she gets mixed up, there’s no need to scream like that” but the annoying part is she doesn’t get mixed up!!! She does it on purpose and has been doing this for years!

Either this is symptomatic of other issues in your relationship or you have anger issues.

I think this is probably the last straw. I remember the French have a word for small acts of “naughtiness” - one won’t get you into trouble but a whole string of them will. This sounds like the same sort of thing.

I wouldn't worry about it, OP. It wasn't great to shout at her, but also not the end of the world. People snap at one another from time to time. We usually get over it and life goes on.

Suggestions to ignore her are probably best, unless you think expressing worry about her cognitive condition would be more effective. I'd feel a bit superstitious about that one, myself, but if it made her stop the nonsense, it might be worth it. However, someone who's been doing this her whole life is unlikely to change, so the best option is probably to try your best not to care.

Although... You could just put it all out there next time it happens. Explain that it makes you feel dismissed and unimportant when she doesn't bother to use the correct word. And every time she does it, make that point again. I doubt it would be worth the effort, but if it would make you feel better to call it what it is, maybe so.

What a horrible way to talk to your mother. Just get the bike and stop making a drama out of nothing.

Why subject yourself to it?

Doubt it. I reckon the Op is probably round her mum’s now having a roast served. All the while feeling pissed off about something or another

Sounds like most of the Soaps! But I know what you mean, I have a lovely friend who uses so much energy dealing with family dramas that seem to blow up on an almost weekly basis and usually over who said what to who over some plans for a bit of dinner and Christmas is a minefield

This thread has reminded me of the trike I had when I was a child. I'd completely forgotten about it. I must've been about 5 years old. I loved that trike, it had coloured streamers on the handle bars. They were very common for kids in the 60's/70's. Haven't seen one for years come to think of it.

Please be patient with her. My dear mother used to do similar and was eventually diagnosed with dementia.

If she's doing it for attention you need to stop feeding into that. Just change the subject and move on.

People won't understand unless they have a mother that does similar.

My mother enjoys 'name dropping' - people from the 'old families round here'. None of us ever has a clue who she's talking about. I think it's some weird attempt to feel / look important and well-connected.

She also constantly, repeatedly gets people's names wrong when it's not an English name - it's very clearly deliberate and an attempt to show she thinks the name is unreasonable so she attempts to anglicise it or pretends she can't say it right.

She's always done it. It's not dementia. It's incredibly irritating.

It always amazes me on these kinds of threads how few people understand this kind of low level manipulative, nasty behaviour that's purely aimed at upsetting and putting down other people but subtle enough to be plausibly deniable so they can paint themselves as the victim when the person tries to say anything about it. Or blows up about it in this case

its about time she realised that her mother is winning then.....always do the same response, always get the same outcome.....

I totally get this.

My father used to do similar in terms of deciding he was right and that was it. He once decided that I had sewn a v shaped piece of fabric into the back of my jeans because I had to let them out because I had put weight on. I told him no, it was the fashion to have jeans with a v back panel with laces tied across it. He told me I was lying. He brought it up for years - remember when you had to let your jeans out because you were so fat and lied about it.

Another example. My DS had eczema and the GP suggested coming off cows milk products for a while to see if it helped so I didn’t buy him any ice cream. My father said I was lying and I just wanted to stop DS having any treats. Again for years, remember when you lied about the GP saying DS couldn’t have ice cream?

You’d argue and he’d laugh and say the fact you were getting so upset proved you’d been caught lying.

I went no contact in the end for various much more serious reasons but here to say they know exactly what they’re doing.

Which is why grey rock is a better option.

How old is she OP? You’re sure it’s not some kind of cognitive decline/dementia? If she’s only young (ie 50’s) when something like this is less likely (though obviously not impossible) then it sounds like some bizarre kind of manipulating/controlling/gaslighting behaviour. By playing daft she’s making herself seem vulnerable and gaining attention for herself, maybe because she doesn’t feel ‘needed’ by her adult kids anymore. Or it’s some weird passive aggression. She doesn’t think your child is big enough for a proper bike and is letting you know not by raising the issue directly but by repeatedly referring to a trike? Or she feels anxious about her riding a proper bike? And believe it or not some parents do deliberately try to play their children off against one another, again thriving on the conflict it causes. She told your sister about the ‘trike’, possibly having saved this piece of information up, perceiving that she would think she was too old for trike and bring it up with you, possibly based on a potentially spicy relationship between you and your sister? Trouble making. Stirring.
You need to call her out every single time. No doubt she’ll find a way to make herself the victim though, just as she seems to have done here. You need to say
’mum, I shouldn’t have shouted and swore at you but for goodness sake I’ve told you multiple times it’s a bike not a trike now you’ve gone and told maggie it’s a trike. Rap it please. Or go to the GP for a check up about your apparent memory loss’.

My Mum has dementia. She gets hold of an idea (often wrongly) and repeats it over and over

shes currently telling everyone their cleaner left because she’s got a job in a supermarket. We know she’s got a job - nothing more. Dad just mentioned maybe she’s got a job in a supermarket and now it’s gospel, repeated up to 20 times an hour. Each time we have to react like it’s the first time we’ve heard that. Inside am I screaming - yes. Outwardly - gosh Mum, good luck to her, change subject - rarely works

you were vvvvv unreasonable to shout at her like that op whatever the circumstances but it does sound like some sort of cognitive decline

Yes but won’t happen. They will continue likely crack in seeing each other very frequently, holidaying with one another,
family events etc… and all the while loads of
conflict and resentment .

its often said....the only person's behaviour you can control is your own....also ultimate madness, doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

RTFT. She has been doing this to the op since she (the mother) was 30

Options:

1. Just get the bike so everyone can stop talking about it.
2. Don't tell your mum things that she doesn't need to know about.
3. Work on ignoring comments that annoy you - count to 10 or something.

No need to scream and swear at her. One day you'll be the batty/irritating older person and probably won't appreciate DD doing the same to you.

Won’t stop these enmeshed families continuing to live in each other’s pockets though

Oh my mum used to do that and it would totally wind my sister up and she used to snap like you...

... My mum died from dementia.

Chill the fuck out!

If I could manage, as a teenager, to be excited cos mum made my favourite meal of macaroni cheese with the crumble top, not realising she had made it EVERY SINGLE DAY for weeks on end to the point that it was years before I could face macaroni cheese again... I think you can put up with her getting the word wrong.

I highly doubt it's in purpose but in the highly unlikely event that it is... Then you are giving it too much attention. Just answer without mentioning the word. "No, not yet.... I'm waiting for a good deal" or something similar.

And don't forget.... You're teaching your child how to deal with you when you go senile too!

I see that many people feel YABU, but unless you’ve actually experienced it, in my case for years, then they don’t realize how bloody annoying it is. One family member continuously ‘got things wrong.’ They even started spelling my child’s name completely wrong. Despite numerous times of being corrected they decided to spend ages making my child a personalized item…. With the wrong spelling. I just shoved it in a drawer and when they asked why it wasn’t on display, and before I’d even had chance to reply said, “oh I spelt their name wrong didn’t I”. So that there proved they knew exactly what they were doing and iust CHOSE to be horrible for no reason at all. We don’t talk anymore so it’s no longer an issue.

yup...and yet the OP could do it in the blink of an eye.....