AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

I just want to wish you the best of luck, OP.
You said that you'd had a conversation about getting married; I think I'd start there. Just that while you haven't ruled it out, in the future; you have no intention of rushing into getting married again, without being 100% sure that this time it's "for life". Emphssise that you don't, and never have, taken the vows lightly; but that "life happens" (you will probably need to go into more detail on that, as it could mean anything from "we grew apart and had nothing in common" to "I left each husband for a new lover"). If he loves you, he won't care.
I got divorced a few years ago, no intention of remarrying currently, but if I did, I'd prefer it to be "the last relationship either of us had" than worry about the previous ones. I know several people who have been divorced multiple times; some of whom simply had "bad luck", others who should never be ALLOWED to get married again (either because their taste in men is "horrible" or because THEY are 🤣). Good luck

Unless husbands 1 to 3 were controlling and abusive, this kind of makes a mockery of marriage.

The comments on this post are a disgrace, all the perfect MN brigade who sit in their ivory tower. I think you’re really brave OP getting out of unhappy relationships, the amount of posters who will be in miserable relationships with shit men judging you for being married and divorced 3 times is laughable. I’m glad you’ve told him now so it’s not hanging over you and I hope it works out well with this guy. My dads wife is on her 4th marriage to him, lovely woman very happy together and was in the same situation as you no kids with one and 1 kid each with the other 2, it really doesn’t define you as a person. I’ve just turned 40 and have luckily stayed with the same husband for years but a lot of it is pure luck and thankfully we’ve been happy but if I wasn’t I would get out which many women don’t so good for you for not living a miserable existence for the sake of other people thinking you’ve got it all together x

Well done OP! You sound like a brilliantly thoughtful person. I am sure you will bring a lot to your relationship; openness, empathy and understanding. Ignore the judgy ones with their perfectly evolved lives

I think any stigma around multiple marriages is the implication that the person has poor judgement.

If your partner knows you as someone who doesn't have poor judgement, and your explanations of your past reassure him that there was nothing silly involved, then hopefully he'll be fine with it.

Ah seen the update - good for you OP and all the best :)

Utter drivel. They’ve discussed it, she’s omitted it. That’s deliberate. Imagine the uproar if someone was posting that they discovered their male partner had been married more times than he’d said he had.

My concern would be why did you need to actually get married 3 times . And are you planning a 4th wedding ? Bizarre sorry

But people are going to make assumptions if little information is provided, that's the point.

Why? That's an odd reaction. She hasn't lied and by the sound sof it he hasn't asked.

You don't get to decide the point of marriage for her. We have no idea why the marriages ended.

Wow, you’re getting a lot of beef for having been married 3 times. Obviously, it’s not ideal, which you already know. I really think the problem here isn’t necessarily that you have been married 3 times before, but that you haven’t told your current partner. You have mentioned several discussions around attitudes to marriage, previous relationships etc all of which would have been the time to tell him and you haven’t. Despite your original assertion, you have hid it. It is what it is. I really think you have to tell him now and let the chips fall. If this doesn’t work out, take it as a learning opportunity 🤷‍♀️ and learn to be more honest about yourself. We all have good and bad, you deserve to be loved and accepted for all of it

It's about how the new husband/wife feels too. My last serious relationship was with a man who was twice divorced and I'm not sure why but the prospect of being called third wife/no.3 was very off putting. Friends and family would mean well with comments like 'third time lucky' but it didn't help.

It wasn't the reason we broke up but it definitely had an impact on how I saw the future.

This is a great response. Ignore the judgy people wanting to know the ins and outs rather than addressing your actual question.
I was married young to my childhood sweetheart and divorced by 25 and like you I was comfortable in my choice but still a bit embarrassed by the "failure". Let me tell you at 25 the possibility of having been married NEVER comes up naturally in dating conversations and just has blurt it out when people asked how long any previous relationships have been (telling people you were in an almost 9 relationship surprises them enough at that age) and if people didn't ask how long previous relationships were...trying to decide when to shoehorn it into the conversation was always fun (how early is too early...how late is too late)

Something like the comment is a great suggestion.
Good luck

My husband had to tell me he had been married twice before (not just once) when we had been together a while (before we were engaged) - he felt awful and whilst I was surprised, I wasn’t horrified. His first marriage was when he was really young and hadn’t lasted long. We’ve been married over 20 years now! He thought I knew, and then realised I didn’t, built it up into a big thing in his head. Just tell him.

Read the thread people - she's told him!!

Don't see what the problem is . He hasn't specifically asked and it's awkward and embarrassing to bring it up.
Why would it even matter to someone?

I was the person finding out similar information and although we are now married I cannot tell you the devastation I felt at the time. Even now it sometimes plays on my mind.

I don't think it's the three divorces in itself that people are judged or see as a red flag. It's the fact that you're only 40.

It suggests that you move fast in some way. Assuming that you met your first husband at 18, that's meeting someone, courtship, engagement, marriage, presumably a period of it being happy, it falling apart, divorce, a period of being single, and dating again every 7 years.

Either you fall in love very fast and push to get married very quickly.

Or you fall out of love very quickly once you're married

Or you really really hate being single

Or you're just spectacularly bad at picking men.

Any of those could be seen as a red flag.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me necessarily, but it really would make me question the timelines, and make me wonder if I was going to be divorce number 4.

You really need to tell him OP, it will be a shock and he may wonder what else you've not told him. But the longer you leave it the harder it becomes to say anything.
My h [and last] of 25 years knew pretty much from the word go about my previous three marriages. I was widowed very young, h was in the forces,then went onto marry 2nd time for 5 years and the third lasted a year. I was still married although seperated and he died.
It's the standing joke I'm a bit like Henry Vlll, died, divorced, died and survived.😆

I think you're completely entitled to give this answer, which along with your other posts seems to be saying 'I'm glad that I live life freely and go into things with an open heart'.

But you can't then say that you've had three previous marriages that 'just didn't work out'. They didn't work out because you couldn't delay gratification by living with, literally or figuratively, your proposed life partner for long enough to really understand who they were (and who you are).

That's an emotional immaturity which you don't really seem to have worked on (though I appreciate you might just not be coming across well here because you're under attack and feeling defensive.)

That inability to delay gratification - the getting caught up in the romance and the fun of a wedding - has had an impact on your children, so I think when you talk about 'making my own decisions', you're also showing emotional immaturity.

I have read the order of your weddings and I think that the first being a very young and didn't have kids situation, I don't think he'll find it a big deal. More like a bit why didn't you say? But if you'd been married since divorcing your last child's father and not mentioned it, that would be a bit more of a challenge for me.

Hopefully he just gets that it's part of your history and he doesn't see it as changing anything really.
You obviously believe in marriage and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's a commitment, not a life sentence.

Thing is if your family were all at all the weddings and you two remain together, someone is bound to inadvertently let the cat out the bag at some point. Tell him

I think you need to be clear and upfront, just because he hasn’t asked how many times you have been married it is a little petulant to have this as an excuse: there is no excuse for not being honest as you know this is something to mention.

Honesty, clarity and not withholding information is key to maintaining a marriage - on both sides.

I do see why you are reticent, if you were not you would have mentioned it already. Think about how you feel comfortable talking about it and how best all round for all to say it.
This day and age it is easy for people to have at least two marriages by the time they are mid 30’s, you will know your reasons for each. Maybe something along the lines of “I’ve been married 3 times now, I realise where we went wrong and I think in future people need time to talk things through and I won’t be rushing again”.

I would not rush anything for you and for your children and I speak of myself with 2 marriages.

"Why would it even matter to someone?"

Really?? 🙄