To be upset DGP's are taking DC on holiday?

[madderthanapissedonchicken]

Posting for others opinions on this as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

my DP’s are having my 2 DC for the weekend next month, while myself and DP are away.

I was told today that they have booked to take them away for the weekend.

I’m in 2 minds, as obviously this is nice of them to do it & DC will enjoy it BUT I also would have preferred to have been asked and not told.

a while ago DP’s wanted to take DS away, and I was worried about it him being away, wasn’t going to say yes, then spoke to DP’s and agreed. So I’m not sure why they wouldn’t ask this time? Or if they thought because they are babysitting anyway that it didn’t matter where?

would this upset you or would you be ok with it?

That’s it, at my DP’s home they are in familiar surroundings, with less risk.

the trip was booked as a surprise for my bday and my DP had asked DGP’s to look after the DC.

DGP’s have a very good relationship with DC, we see them weekly together etc. They sleep overnight etc , but when they sleep they don’t take them out anywhere other than local park etc but mainly they play at their home. They have lots of toys / big garden and they love it there.

I think this just blindsided me, out of the blue I was told they booked to go away. I wasn’t expecting it and I was unsure what to say because I didn’t want to come across as ungrateful which I absolutely am not. But I feel like the goalposts have changed, instead of feeling comfortable to go away because I know they are safe at home, I’m now running 100 dangerous situations through my mind. I appreciate not everyone is like this, but I can’t help how my brain works.

as I’ve already said, I know this was coming from a good place, but as their mother I think they could have gave me a quick call before booking. They obviously discussed it with each other, so where would be the harm in a 5 min call to just check it. Again this is unreasonable to many on here, but I just cannot imagine in any circumstance taking someone’s children away without asking them

I don’t know where you get that I’m bitching from? I have repeatedly said I am grateful they are babysitting and that it’s a lovely thing to want to do. but I am there mother, I expect to make the decisions regarding my young children and I worry about them, which I believe is very normal.
I was here to ask if others would be upset by being told and not asked - so please don’t make things up to suit your narrative

Thank you, I think this is what I will do.
I don’t want to stop them
having a lovely weekend together, and I’m sure once I tell them my worries (water safety etc) they will reassure me. I just wanted to get a few opinions on here first to check I wasn’t saying something I shouldn’t

OP is hardly bitching! She is understandably concerned about her small children being in an environment with far more hazards than they would have at home or at their grandparent's house.

OP hasn't said anything unpleasant, unlike you.

I’m not miserable, annoyed or jealous. Very weird of you to come to that conclusion.

I’ve already said it’s lovely of them to want to do this and it goes without saying that I’d want my children to have a nice time.

Life is too short, and things can happen in a split second. These are the things that will be running through my head constantly for that entire weekend.

When I was told the surprise trip & children would be with my DGP, I was completely comfortable with that, they’ve stayed lots of times and it’s never an issue. The goalposts have been moved without any discussion and that has left me feeling uncomfortable

I didn’t say that they can’t run after the children? I’m not sure why people are making things up?

the grandparents don’t usually take them out for the day, they do usually play at home / garden, and this has blindsided me

Not usually no, maybe the shops, the local park but not day trips out.

Op I also get it ,of course they should have asked first !

And yes of course it's opening them up to more unexpected risk.

However ,you don't say whether you do feel they are competent ? 60s and fit is good .

Any issues when they have been looking after then ?

Assume they are your parents? Do you get on well with them ?

I would be honest and say I'm glad your going away but I am worried about the sea and pool and I wish you had asked me.

Just 'surviving childhood' is a very low bar. The majority of children throughout the ages have survived childhood. That doesn't mean that they were parented safely or well. Even child chimney sweeps survived to adulthood. That doesn't mean that the practice of sending small children up chimneys was OK.

I’m surprised by the comments/poll. I would allow my kids to stay at my mums for two nights but no I would not allow her to take them away without me. I wouldn’t trust anyone to take my kids on holiday. There is a difference to being at home.

Yes they are my parents and we get on very well, see each other weekly etc.

they are mid 60s and reasonable fitness - wouldn’t be running marathons but are still working etc.

I think that’s the best to tell them that as you say, I don’t want to upset them after they are doing something kind but I def need to talk to them about it

If they had asked you would you have said “no, you’re only allowed to look after them at home”?
if you wouldn’t have said no, then what is the actual difference now - the outcome is the same.

My mum would inform me, my mil wouldn't. Their gran is spontaneous and any plans would be last minute. Their nan isn't and is a planner who would absolutely check in with me. I don't think either would necessarily ask permission though but my mum would likely tell me before whereas with their gran the kids would tell me afterwards. My mum is a helicopter nan so they wouldn't be left out of her sight but my mil wouldn't be as on it. Hence why I would leave them comfortably with their nan and not gran. It's a moot point for me as we've never left them overnight and have no plans too in the near future.

In your case you either trust their judgement or you don't. If you don't then make alternative plans.

Yes this is what I’m struggling with.

I would have said yes - I do trust them to look after them obviously or they wouldn’t be staying. I think if they had asked it would have been the opportunity for discussion, ie that’s a lovely idea, they’d love to go away with you. I’m worried about anything happening in the sea / pool. They’d probably be saying don’t worry we won’t take our eyes off of them etc, I’d feel reassured and happy that I’m lucky enough to have parents who want to do this.

I think it comes down to there was no discussion so I have these worries going round my head. I’m just going to mention my worries to them and hopefully from there it’s all fine. I will still worry about them (but when don’t we worry about our children) but I’ll push it down as they’ll enjoy it and just go over water safety etc

I think that’s very fair OP.

I completely get why you would be concerned. There are a lot of hazards on beaches. But I’m about your parents’ ages and I can tell you I would be watching your children like an absolute hawk and far more vigilantly than I would my own children at that age. Just because I’d feel the weight of responsibility. I’m also pretty fit so wouldn’t have any problems keeping up with them.

So I would say it depends on your parents and what they’re like. If they’re the kind that would be extra careful with your children I think it will be fine. If they’re the type that think you’re fussing when you follow rules that didn’t exist 20-30 years ago then I’d have a much more serious chat with them.

If they really listen to your concerns and would be really careful around water in particular and not letting them out of their sight then I think I would be reassured in your situation. Also if your father would be an active participant then two people caring for them would be a lot easier: I used to take my children away on my own quite a bit which is trickier than being able to share the load.

Also are your children quite biddable? If they’re the type to listen to instructions rather than run off then again I’d be reassured by that. I’ve had to look after children on school trips who run off and that is much more difficult than ones that stay with you when you ask them to!

Did your parents ever take you to the coast when you and your brother were children? If they did were you supervised around water? If the answer to both those is "yes" then what's the issue? Do you think that your level of supervision is above theirs or because they are mid 60's they've somehow lost the ability to understand the dangers of young kids around water? I think YABU and if I was your mother I'd be pretty offended that you felt I was uncapable at that age to be responsible enough to take my GC to the coast for a weekend.

You were told today by who? Is this them having a chat with you or your partner about it?

My DPs told us that they had booked to go away.
I was caught very much off guard and was shocked, so it wasn’t a discussion of what do you think if we take them away that weekend

I think it is important to acknowledge that this is about your own anxiety, and wanting them to ask you first is really about wanting them to help you manage your anxiety.

That conversation will be for your benefit, it won’t change how they look after their grandchildren. They will do that using all the care, knowledge and experience they gained from raising a child (children?) of their own all the way through to adulthood.

Do you really think your parents don’t know about water safety, or keeping small children close in a new environment? I assume they raised you to adulthood?

I think you need to own your own anxiety and not pass this on to your parents by suggesting they don’t know how to keep their grandchildren safe.

You’re not so worried about them if you are happy using your annual leave and money to go away without them.

I can understand your concern and think they should have asked
hiwever, actually complacency sets in when I’m familiar environments so I don’t necessarily agree they’re safer at home. Because it’s familiar I think accidents are more likely to happen because it feels safe and known.
in unfamiliar, busy places and where there’s water I know I was absolutely more vigilant.

just speak to them and say you’re happy they’re taking them but are very nervous for these reasons. Get them to reassure you. And I also know from my parents that when looking after my young dc they were much more safety aware and vigilant with them than I ever was.

YANBU at all.
Nice thing to do sure but it's very weird to arrange to take someone else's children on holiday without consulting the parents! Who does that? Have any of the posters saying YABU had this happen to them? I doubt it somehow.
I personally think it's overstepping. And my DC went away with GP's and other family members over the years, no issue with that. It just wasn't arranged without my knowledge because that would be very weird indeed.

I'm getting confused @madderthanapissedonchicken - is it the courtesy issue that's bothering you or the fact it's making you uncomfortable they will be at the coast?

If it's the first one, I think it depends on the relationship you have with them. When my mum looked after my DD I didn't expect her to run past me what they were doing as a courtesy because they were her plans for her day - effectively not my business. But I know that's not how everyone works so fair enough.

If it's the fact they will be at the coast that's making you uncomfortable and that you expect them to reassure you that, effectively, they know what they are doing (I think I saw that in one of your posts), I personally think that's quite unfair and i wouldn't be surprised if they get a bit offended.

You either trust them to look after your child and make appropriate judgements or you don't. It doesn't matter where they are - accidents can happen whenever and wherever and I know someone else mentioned being more complacent in usual environements. Unless there's some drip feed coming where you mention they were slack as parents when you were a child, I don't understand that part of your position.

If they don't allay your concerns appropriately I'm assuming you will, of course, be cancelling your holiday/finding alternative childcare arrangements?

FWIW I would imagine they will be more vigilant and risk aware in a new environment than at home.

At home it’s much easier for your mum to go and put a wash on while the kids are in the garden, or to think your dad is watching them while he nods off in his chair. In a hotel they’ll all be in one or two rooms, both parents are likely to be watching the children constantly and they will absolutely feel the weight of responsibility while out and about.

I completely understand your worries, it’s natural and inevitable when you’re away from them, especially as you can’t picture where they’ll be while you’re away. I’d definitely have a chat with the parents and explain that you’re feeling nervous about the kids being at the seaside without you.

I was at the beach the other week and there was a primary school trip there, approx 60 x 5 or 6 year olds all being herded in and out of the sea to paddle and play games. I was worried the whole time just sitting near them!

Your parents have 2 kids between 2 adults who will be watching them like hawks. Probably more so at this age than if they were teens likely to swim out on their own or wander off to get drinks. Try to enjoy your trip - you deserve a break and hopefully you won’t spend the whole time worrying. Get the GPs to send you regular updates and photos.