AIBU to mention an video from my son's playdate?

[fruitfly3]

Son has gone to a friends. Son is 6, friend is latter end of 5. Friend sent some videos of them playing (she’d set her photo up in their play area and recorded some cute clips). On one of them the boy asks my son if he can show him his willy. My son said no, and the boy pleaded with him. My son then said he wanted to play outside and off they went.

I don’t know the family terribly well and suspect the child is ND. What would you do in this scenario? The mother has sent me the clips, supposedly because some are sweet, and this is contained within. I’ll obviously speak to my son and reinforce that he did exactly the right thing. But is this the sort of thing 5/6 year old boys do? Would you mention to the mum? I hate stuff like this, I’m awkward as it is!

I don’t know the family terribly well and suspect the child is ND.

I don’t want to sound horrible here, but why did you leave your young child with people you don’t know that well?

I would not be letting my child go back to that house ever again without me present.

It could have been harmless, or it could be an indication that this little boy has been exposed to SA.

I would speak to my son and ask him if he’s okay and if “Friend” had said anything to upset him? I’d also be having a long talk with him about never letting anyone want to see or touch your private parts. If it ever happens you must tell mummy and daddy.

Yes, I’d say something.

”hi friend, thanks for the clips and for having x over to play. I don’t know if you noticed, but one part of the footage involved them discussing each others’ willies. I’m uncomfortable with that, so would you please delete it. Thanks very much. My turn to host next week etc “

and then I’d be googling the nspcc’s PANTS rules and chatting it over with DS. He has obviously been guided well by you.

@Gooseling its not unusual for children to go to other houses for a play date without the parent present at 6. It’s a family from my son’s class, I’ve met the parents scores of times and no red flags. But they’re not close friends.

Sorry, I find it weird that the mum has set up her phone to video them? A few snaps or a video of something specific/cute. But just setting up the phone? And then the kid is trying to show your son his penis? This really doesn’t sit right with me. I wouldn’t allow my child to play there unsupervised from now on. It probably isn’t anything sinister (got knows my own kids think penises, bums etc. are hilarious) but it’s raising too many red flags for me.

yanbu to mention it. My dd had a friend in nursery who did similar. We told the nursery and they talked to the parents (as I was too much of a wimp to bring it up with them). It was a good friend of my dd, we continued to see them but I made sure I kept a close eye on them after that and did not have unsupervised playdates.

@LumpkinPumpkin this is it - it’s most likely nothing. I don’t think she set up a whole filming thing, just lent her phone on a surface to take some clips.

I’d be mortified if my child had tried to show another child their genitals. I might mention it to the other parent as in ‘Henry tried to show Daniel his penis. I’m really sorry, he thinks it’s funny but we’ve had another chat about why this isn’t appropriate. I hope it doesn’t raise too many questions or cause upset’ but I would be clambering to delete that video asap!

Just casually mention it to the mum. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation. Dog named willy, misheard and there is a toy called silly/flowers he calls dilly. It seems odd that a mum would send that if it is what you think it is.

I would definitely mention it and then likely avoid playdates in the future.

You left your child with people you don't know well and the mother filmed him? Surely you know this isn't right.

Just ask the Mum to delete the vid and don’t take him back. Why do people record play dates??

I would absolutely avoid that child from now. This is completely not normal. I have a ds and never has this happened. You need to mention this to his mother.

The family is not well known to you, and is filming your child, and isn't aware of what their own child has said - they shared a very concerning video with you.

Your child was in an unsuitable environment.

What was said is a safeguarding red flag, you may need to report to school, let alone tell the other parent.

i do find the videoing a play date part odd but what I find even more strange is that she has sent you videos presumably without actually watching them herself first? I don’t really understand why she would do that.

Comparing genitals is something that children do to satisfy their curiosity. Filming it is weird.
Had the mother actually viewed the clip?

It’s quite possible the parent didn’t notice the comment at the end of the clip (or that Willy is something else like a toy or whatever). I’ll mention it to the mum and pull back from play dates there.

Little boys like to show their willie's. They have done for generations and will continue to do so. I expect she set up the video to show you what a lovely time they were having.

Sorry but this is weird as fuck. Never have I known a parent film such young children playing by leaving the phone recording like that and I find it suspicious that the child asked to see your sons genitals AS its being recorded, if your son had shown him it would be on film.

I don't care if people think I'm over the top but I'd worry the child had been coached to ask his friends that and the camera is set up on purpose to capture that and those videos could go elsewhere.

Very strange.

Little boys definitely like to show and talk about their willies in my experience. I wouldn't suspect ND or anything odd going on.

I think it’s weird that the other mother is videoing your child and I wouldn’t be happy with that. I think it’s absolutely normal for five or six year olds to be going to play or going for tea at a friend’s house without their parent, and I don’t think that a little boy showing his Willy to a friend is at all unusual - I think a huge proportion of children, boys in particular,
at that age show their willies to anyone who will look. Im 68 and I can remember at least eight boys in my class when I was in infant school showing me their willies.

Very odd she would even be videoing them at all!! Sounds like without them even knowing. I would pull back for that reason alone and be very uncomfortable about it

It’s completely normal in my experience (3 kids, too many playdates to count) for the hosting parent to take a short video during the afternoon and send it to the other parent - I suppose as a kind of reassurance that their child is well and having fun. It’s a bit odd of her to send this particular one - I think most parents would be embarrassed, would immediately delete that video and have a word with their own child about appropriate play. I suspect she hasn’t actually watched it herself?

Curiosity about body parts is in itself quite normal at that age, and I don’t think that what the 5yo said would raise any particular safeguarding red flags.

No one should be filming other people's kids without their permission.

This is not normal behaviour for little boys. At all. And who sends videos they haven't watched of their own child to other people?

This might be grooming behaviour. It could well be that the mother is sending out tentative feelers, to see if you will notice or care or reply in kind.

Don't talk to her about it. Do report her for it and remove her from your life.

@fruitfly3i think it is unusual to have a play date without being present at 6. My DC is nearly 7 and has never had a play date without me and that’s with people I do know well.

I would definitely raise it with the parent. It could be kids being kids but I would raise it for sure and reassure your child that they did the right thing in saying no. I also would not be having anymore solo play dates at the child’s house. I’m not 100% sure I would be that happy with the other mum causally filming my kid even if it was ‘cute’. They now have footage of your child and could do whatever they want with it.