AIBU to mention an video from my son's playdate?

[fruitfly3]

Son has gone to a friends. Son is 6, friend is latter end of 5. Friend sent some videos of them playing (she’d set her photo up in their play area and recorded some cute clips). On one of them the boy asks my son if he can show him his willy. My son said no, and the boy pleaded with him. My son then said he wanted to play outside and off they went.

I don’t know the family terribly well and suspect the child is ND. What would you do in this scenario? The mother has sent me the clips, supposedly because some are sweet, and this is contained within. I’ll obviously speak to my son and reinforce that he did exactly the right thing. But is this the sort of thing 5/6 year old boys do? Would you mention to the mum? I hate stuff like this, I’m awkward as it is!

I wouldn’t want my child being filmed covertly like that. It’s a huge invasion of privacy. I don’t think the showing of willies is actually unusual. But imagine if DS had shown his off & an adult had recorded it? That would be awful & I think this constant video surveillance has to stop. Ring doorbells, footage taken inside houses, CCTV pretty much everywhere. The East German Stasi would be having a field day!

I disagree that this is particularly unusual behaviour among the age group - I can remember it happening at my primary school not infrequently, and when my daughter was little one of her friends showed similar curiosity (the parents were close friends so we spoke to them about it when my daughter told me - they had a word with their own daughter about boundaries and it stopped).

While it can be evidence of abuse it's within the scope of normal curiosity among children. Obviously it becomes abusive if there is forced showing, forced touching etc, and can be damaging regardless of the intent/culpability of the aggressor.

I would have a word with the mom if you feel comfortable, thank her for hosting the playdate but say you were concerned about the private parts chat and maybe suggest some resources she could use like the Pantasaurus PANTS song.

If you understandably don't feel able to do this, it may be worth speaking to school about your concerns. But I honestly would not leap to the conclusion that this child is being abused. Kids are naturally curious, and they also often find willies, bums etc hilarious.

You are right to be vigilant of course.

It is unusual for that age group ime. I’d expect this kind of thing to possibly happen when a child is under school age. ND children are often emotionally younger than their age which might explain why a child growing up in a non-abusive home might do this.

The filming is very weird and I wouldn’t send my child to that home again for that reason alone. ND is often genetic so perhaps this mum is ND too and not realise that it’s not ok or typical.

Nope. I have 2 brothers & 2 sons.
We’re all ancient now.
Never, ever, aware of ‘penis showing’.

This is dangerous misinformation. It’s actually sinister that you are lying to collude with this concerning situation. Why are you doing that?

as à mother of three boys, I can confirm op is very correct to be concerned and her son was the normal one.

It's actually pretty normal for little kids to be obsessed with talking about willies, bums, privates etc. It's a fairly ordinary part of their development to fixate a bit on those things sometimes at a young age. I certainly think 6 is a bit older than you'd expect for that though. It's more a toddler thing, usually.

What isn't normal is for a parent to film their child doing that and send it to another parent as a hilarious cute clip rather than immediately saying to her child 'That's not polite, DS - we don't ask people to show us anything private like that, do we? Anything covered by pants isn't any of your business and we mustn't ask other people about it.'

What a way to make someone feel even worse. Horrid comment.

Sounds like OP is switched on and sensible.
Just go away

As a reception teacher of over 30 years .I beg to differ.

Think back to your own childhoods and how once you hit primary school play dates were a case of “I’ll get my mum to talk to your mum”, you got dropped off and presumably your mum, who in an ideal world would have peace and quiet, got on with the myriad tasks of motherhood. THeres nothing weird or wrong with a six year old going to a friends house unaccompanied

willies - boy are obsessed

video - other mum might not have noticed the end of the video . She’s sending them for reassurance,

your child did the right thing keeping his boundaries, and if he is uncomfortable
He doesn’t need to go back.

Boys (or girls) trying to show each other their genitalia at this age is pretty standard. Goes alongside the poo/wee/farts/bums they like to discuss.

Is it ok? No. Should we be stopping it? Yes. That’s what the NSPCC pants stuff is aimed at pre schoolers etc before they reach the age they become curious.

Because young children need to know others asking to see what’s to be kept inside pants isn’t ok.

I would message the mum and ask her if she’s listened to what’s being said? See what she responds with.

Also praise and reiterate to your DS he did absolutely the right thing.

If you have concerns speak to safeguarding team at the school.