Sick of my wife’s temper

[Seriouslyworrieddad]

My wife has always had a temper but recently it’s next level and I’m concerned for her but mainly our child.

We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

We had a conversation about it last week and she said she would look into anger management.

I’m away at the moment and my wife is now sleep training our toddler. I called before bedtime to say good night not realising that my wife had put our child down early. She answered the call in a room seperate to where our child was sleeping but it must have disturbed them as the next thing I could hear was our child crying so my wife hung up.

She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background.

Thankfully I know my child is asleep now but I’m just getting sick to death of my wife’s temper and worried about her with my child.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Nah. Nobody is doing that. Everyone, including you, understands that being sleep deprived for weeks is literaly torture and everyone, including you, knows that they would be shouting after weeks of torture by sleep deprivation and being left all alone with a very full on toddler.

The only thing he has mentioned is shouting. Not great, not ok at all for the child, but you'd be doing it too.

Yep, you would.

The solution is incredibly simple. He goes home and lets her sleep and rest for two full days, no parenting at all.

Her behaviour will then be regulated back to a normal baseline.

And if at that point further intervention is required they can both go to counselling, and figure out what they need to improve about themselves. For example, OP can work on helping his wife before she is worn down to the point of hysterical irrationality by weeks on end of torture.

Correct. He is not actually worried about abuse, at all. He is just - as he clearly says - sick of his wife.

He's sick of her not silently and fully doing the entire job of parenting, alone with no help, with an extremely full on toddler. Sick of her reacting in an entirely predictable fashion to being left alone for days after having almost no sleep for weeks with a full on toddler.

Every single person slagging her off would be shouting too. Every last one of them.

He's not worried, because he wouldn't be posting from his comfy bed in a hotel room, he'd be posting from a petrol station on the way back to his wife and child.

I don’t think people are. What they have picked up on is a parent explaining a horrible scenario where one parent has dealt with a shit sandwich solo for an extended period. He is lucky he can sleep undisturbed for a number of days in a hotel bed. Even if he didn’t get up at home he’d still be having interrupted sleep. He has every opportunity to recharge. He seems to caveat his lack of parenting (help, though it’s surely his duty when not having work the next day to do his fair share) with she’s had a few days off, she gets to the gym a couple of times & she refuses my help. When he’s home knowing that she’s done bedtime solo all week, he only intervenes when she’s lost her head. He must hear them. He must see the amount of time it’s taken and knows this is her reality all week and doesn’t just do it when he’s home. He should just take the role of bedtime and give her a break when he is home especially if it’s only a few days a week. Whilst they’re going through this tough patch with sleep, he should just take over the nights and have a lie-in when he’s not working. If he felt the deal of her catching a sleep in the morning such a great deal he’d more than happy to do it. He wouldn’t ask her he’d just do it

It doesnt matter how tired you are, if you are screaming at your kid and losing control, then you shouldn't have unsupervised access to them.

OP, you need to remove your child from the abuser and secure their safety. If she ended up seriously hurting your child, you'd never forgive yourself.

There is absolutely no evidence that the OP is abusive. There is evidence he works long hours, probably to maintain the lifestyle they agreed to lead as a family.

He has expressed concern for the child's welfare numerous times.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

There is clear evidence that the OP is emotionally and verbally abusive, as he has left his exhausted wife with a child he has stated is extremely full on, knows full well she is being tortured from weeks of lack of sleep, is fine with leaving her in charge as he is in no way afraid for his child, but came here to verbally abuse her and hope that those who lick the boots of men will line up with the himpathy.

So, he can go home now, instead of snuggling into a comfy bed in a hotel for a nice long nigh of uninterrupted sleep, after posting unnecessary and unehlpful comments about his wife, and give his tortured wife the sleep she actually needs to function as a human being.

Problem solved.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you mean he has continued in the job he had after the baby? Are you talking about the fact that the mother has to look after the kids while he is working?

I clicked this thread as I'm concerned about DH shouting and losing his temper a lot. It's caused all kinds of stress and upset in my house and makes me dread some elements of home life. It's interesting to me to learn that this is simply his needs not being met and I need to step up and help him more. Thanks MN

Is your DH being left to parent alone a significant majority of the time, deal with all bedtimes with a difficult toddler and be the only one to wake with the toddler in the night?
Not sure why you would think someone else’s thread would apply to you. If you want advice or feedback make your own thread.

Don’t be facetious.

If you are being genuinely being abused call women’s aid today.

If your dh is on his last legs, after two years of no sleep and mentally and physically exhausted to the point of breaking down - take some unpaid leave and be a decent human being.

If his needs are to sleep then yes, take over at least some of the night shifts so he can sleep.

If he isn't doing all the nights for your child and his needs are actually wants then your situation isn't the same.

take some unpaid leave and be a decent human being.

Because if you do this then money fairies magically appear and pay your bills for you.

And yet, he hasn't even gone home, has he.
A mother posting on here would be torn to shreds for such a lack of action.

I don't trust the OP at all. His thread title wasn't Worried about my child, it was Sick of my wife's temper.

He has posted on here to ask a group of women how to get his wife to function better without making even the smallest effort himself, like doing some bedtimes and overnights or telling his boss that he has to go home.

He cites a weekend away a few weeks ago as a reason that she shouldn't be tired. I really hope your wife has some family in her life that she can reach out to @Seriouslyworrieddad to come and look after her and the child so that she can get some sleep.

Perhaps she should move to where she has some support.

Don’t be ridiculous this is not a heightened aggressive response it’s a perfectly rational and reasonable response to hearing about someone shouting and losing their temper at a toddler and banging doors. Would love to see your response if the sexes on this post were reversed I bet your sympathy would not be the same . I do not feel sorry for this woman . We have all been sleep deprived . We don’t all yell at our babies like that .

Yes it's so simple, he just leaves and goes home, that will have absolutely no consequences for his job which is their only source of income. FFS.

Also, my son is now almost 7 and has additional needs - I know exactly how long term sleep deprivation feels like. I have also been working part time since he was 18 months old. I don't go around screaming at him and slamming doors.

All little kids go through phases of bad sleep (and this is a phase because previously they've been sleeping through for at least a year) She's a sahm mum who goes to the gym and has recently had a weekend away.

I'm not saying this isn't a hard phase but she needs to learn to control her anger (if this was a man everyone would agree) and people saying "you stay home and she can go to work for a break" are being willfully naive and simplistic.

If he was that ‘worried’ and not merely just putting her down, he would absolutely raking unpaid leave to ensure the safety of his child.

Yes of course he should go home. It is not acceptable to take no action to protect your child when you are a parent.

I would be interested to know how often OP has to work away and when he started working away.

If we have to play the tiresome "if a woman posted..." game, a few weeks ago a mum posted asking whether she should take a promotion that required her to work away 1 night each week and she was strongly discouraged by plenty of posters. Women do not get to opt out of parenting just because they work. The majority of mums do work.

I suspect that OP hasn't come back because the situation with his wife simply cannot be fixed from afar.

Send her away for 2 nights on her own as a reset. Tell her to think about what hobby she would like to pursue when she comes back as you'll support her to access it so she has time for herself and can get some of her identity back.

Step in for your child if you have genuine worries she is shouting/getting angry more than is acceptable. Be at home while she is struggling and don't work away. Buy her some earplugs so she can sleep while you cover a few nights of night wakings and bedtimes per week and tag team parenting as much as possible over the coming weeks until sleep regression settles.

That's what I would suggest after losing my mind with sleep regressions when my children were toddlers. It was an absolute relief to go back to my extreme pressure, life-or-death job as it felt piss easy compared to being at home. Not okay to take any extreme anger out on a toddler though so separate them and get her help if you're reaching this level.

Nah. If he was even scared for his kid, he'd go home.

He's ether he's worried for his kid, or he's not.

He's not.

He's just annoyed his wife isn't being a Stepford wife and coping with a circumstance he could not cope with, you could not cope with and nobody could actually cope with without being frazzled, melting down and shouting.

Everyone, definitely including you, would be shouting after weeks of no sleep and left alone with an extremely full on child (his words).

The actual physical safety of his wife is under threat. No sleep is an actual torture. He knows this, he put nothing in place, didn't try to help, but left her alone.

And now he's here pretending he's worried, when in fact he's just angry, but with far less reason than his wife.

I'm not a handmaiden for emotionally abusive men who slag their wives off for no reason while they snuggle down into their nice comfy hotel bed for a cosy night of full, uninterrupted sleep.

So if his solution to his wife shouting because she's hysterically exhausted - just as you would be shouting, and he would be shouting - is to do absolutely nothing but moan about it on mumsnet, fine. She'll live. I don't waste himpathy on men who slag their wives off out of pure spite and anger.

The op stated his wife has always had a temper...

You sound like you just hate men to be quite honest . Your opinion is so full of bias it’s not really worth considering seriously

MN really hates men, doesn't it?!!
So a mother is behaving like this towards her child but of course it is the husband's fault. In fact, let's go as far as to call him abusive!!
Despite the fact that:
It is his wife screaming and shouting at the young child, slamming doors etc. Not him.
He is the sole earner and currently working away from home. He called to check-in when he was away.
He has spoken to his wife about her possible return to work but she doesn't want to do that; she continues to chose to be a SAHM.
He has said he does share the childcare as much as he can when home, but wife often does not allow him to
She's not exactly sleep deprived; OP said child has been sleeping through until recently.
I am an older mum with a 6 yo (45). Absolutely hand on heart, no word of a lie, she has not slept anywhere near a full night in her life. We also bedshare and I work in a very challenging role. So yes, I do feel qualified to know what sleep deprivation looks like.
So why doesn't he just go home? Perhaps because he understands the consequences here of putting his job on the line. I doubt this is the first time wife has behaved like this; he can't just go home every time..
The beat thing I think OP can do is suggest his wife gets some anger management help ASAP. If things don't improve he can separate and ask for at leaat 50/50 shared care in court. Of course he will have to reduce hours/find another job to do this, but this is of course achievable. If 50/50 or more is granted there is no maintenance due and of course his ex-wife no longer remains his financial responsibility. She will have to work.
Additionally, if there are genuine concerns mother is an unsafe parent due to her historic behaviour then of course that will also be factored in and care for her on this basis may be reduced/supervised.

You obviously haven’t lived with someone with anger issues. This would be like waving a red rag at a bull.

You are thinking that doing more would mean less rage. That’s not how it works

It might sound easy to say “do more” or “help out without being asked” But that just produces even more anger

I have a theory that the anger comes in the form of justified martyrdom.
These people don’t want you to help because if you did help it would mean they wouldn’t be able to scream and shout about how lazy you are or for any other reason.

Chances are they would pick holes in how “badly” you did the job so they would have to do it again even though there was nothing wrong with the job you did .

The dw might be tired so apparently that justifies screaming and shouting and slamming doors on a small child but what about the rest of her life up till now. What was wrong with her then.

Posters are fixated on this one example. The reaction to the circumstances given isn’t from a normally happy mum who has got to the point of exhaustion
This is the reaction of someone who is practised in this type of response to anything that upsets them.

If you had ever lived with a person who has anger as a default setting and you have lived in that state of high anxiety because you know just one word, one action will set them off, you can see the difference. It is subtle but it’s there