Am I being too pushy with daughters swimming?

[RarePearlTiger]

My daughter is 4 almost 5 and has done swimming lessons since she turned 2, she did waterbabies and then moved to leisure centre lessons at 4. For anyone familiar with the lessons she’s just moved up to stage 4 and has got her 25 metres certificate at the weekend

While I was at work earlier in the week my husband mentioned her swimming, and my MIL made a comment about how kids should be kids and not pushed into ‘competing’. FIL agreed and said it’s unnecessary and every child gets there in the end, there’s no need for such pushy lessons

She does a lesson once a week and I probably take her once every 2 weeks on an evening, sometimes every week. She enjoys swimming, she’s not pushed into anything but swimming lessons for me are not negotiable.

It’s just made me feel like shit but I’m probably being over sensitive

Yabu for even worrying about what your mil said.

If she is enjoying it, ignore them.

Did your husband do hobbies as a child?

Mine didn't.

I did, at various points through my childhood, ballet, gymnastics, swimming, Brownies, Guides, musical instrument lessons... my (ex) husband didn't disagree with it but he thought it was unnecessary and didn'treally value it but he didnt ever try to stop me. My children did similar levels of hobbies to me - some stuck, some didn't and some have been continued into adulthood.

My ILs were very against it because they didn't provide these opportunities and felt an implied judgement that I was providing things for my children that they hadn't provided for theirs. It was like everytime I made a choice for my children (eg what they wore, how they ate, what hobbies they did) I was pointing a finger at them and criticising them for not doing the same for theirs. They also didn't value it. Could that be part of it?

They also saw it as me being 'competitive', 'stuck up' and 'thinking my children were something they weren't'.

But just because they've shared an opinion doesn't mean you have to take any notice of it whatsoever. I'm not really sure why it's bothered you, tbh.

My ILs were very against it because they didn't provide these opportunities and felt an implied judgement that I was providing things for my children that they hadn't provided for theirs. It was like everytime I made a choice for my children (eg what they wore, how they ate, what hobbies they did) I was pointing a finger at them and criticising them for not doing the same for theirs. Hry alsp didn't value it. Could that be part of it?

I actually think this is a lot of it. My MIL was the same when I chose to BF and she formula fed, or the sleep set up/car seats I chose for my children she would often reminder me of how she did it and her kids survived.

I wish things like that didn’t bother me but I’m sensitive and end up over thinking every little thing and wondering why people have such opinions when I’m just doing my best as a Mum

not pushy at all. You will never regret swimming lessons for your children and they will thank you as adults. It’s a life skill you can’t lose.

The SURELY understand. The child is 4. They haven’t been told about any swimming competitions. They must know what a swimming lesson for a 4 year old is.

That's what it is then, tbh.

I also had the same with breastfeeding.

I always assumed I would bf until my childen were around 6 months because that's what my mum had done so, in my family, it was 'the norm'.

My mum was supportive of it. My MIL thought I was selfish and should have ff because she did and, a) I had no idea whather my babies were getting the right balance of nutrients or how much milk they were getting, b) no one else could feed the baby and c) yes, she ff and her children were fine.

However, when I continued past 6 months, my mum also had a problem with it. When I was still feeding after a year, she told me i had 'probably made my point by now'.

I wasn't making a point, I was feeding my baby but it definitely exposed her own feelings around it.

Don't give it another thought

I wish things like that didn’t bother me but I’m sensitive and end up over thinking every little thing and wondering why people have such opinions when I’m just doing my best as a Mum

Basically, at every stage of life, you refect on choices you've made and things you'd do differently if you had your time again.

Some people keep it to themselves and understand they did their best with what they had at the time; others look back and think, actually I did drop the ball there; and others will project it onto other people who are doing things differently.

You actually have a choice in whether you overthink and ruminate over every little thing.

Find a phrase you can repeat to yourself and use it whenever these thoughts pop into your head. Eg, "She's only saying this because it triggers one of her insecurities," or, "This comment says more about how she feels about her own parenting then mine," or, "That's her opinion. It's not a fact and I don't need to worry about it."

Or even, "Im doing my best as a mum. She was doing her best as one too. Maybe on reflection and with more life experience, she wishes she'd done it this way too."

Thank you, that’s helpful. It’s definitely something I need to work on for myself. I’m currently pregnant with our 3rd child, we haven’t told anyone yet but that’s also going to be another thing they will have lots of opinions about so I’m bracing myself

I believe swimming lessons should be non negotiable, swimming is a life skill more than a hobby and should come before any extra curricular activity.
My granddaughters began as babies, 10year at 6 weeks, now swims 25m in 19seconds, 5 year old at 4 months, due to Covid, just passed her 50m badge.
watching them in the pool is a joy and I am envious every time I see them.
Ignore the mil

I have two boys currently swimming competitively. 13 year old is training for regionals and 10 year old started competing the last year. 10 year old has now decided he will not compete anymore, I just confirmed with him that he’s happy to not swim anymore or does he want to go to the non competing group in the club. He is happy to stop swimming, his brother is disappointed but is making him continue is pushy not you with your daughter.
I have a 5 year old daughter that just started swimming lessons and she’s it sure if she likes it but she will have to persevere for now. I am not a good swimmer or cyclist, both boys are not my daughter. I’m beginning to think it’s a female thing in my family 😩

Also it's only recently (aged 50) that I've realised how much people just say stuff, chat shit and it's not what they fervently believe, or particularly thought-through or well-reasoned, or indeed, correct, a lot of the time it's just a momentary brain fart. It's really not worth taking it to heart.

i mean your PILs are correct that it is wrong to push a 4 year old to compete, but if you’re not doing that what’s the issue? Your DD enjoys swimming and is obviously far ahead of most 4 year olds, do you really have a problem on your hands?

Both my children started going to the swimming pool aged 3 months, and swimming lessons will be an absolute non negotiable because as someone once told me, it’s the only sport that can save your life!

It’s an important life skill and you’re being a good parent giving her the opportunity to learn. That’s all. if you’re not pushing her along and she enjoys it then that’s fine!

My Dd also did waterbabies, then swim.lessons from 2 1/2, I was determined she would learn to swim but once she could it was up to her what she did. She chose to carry on and ended up with lifeguard training and swim club, she still swims now for exercise and loves it. I would do the same again, stick at it till they are competent swimmers then let them choose.

The earlier the better, my Dad taught me at this age, he had access to a pool (70’s Britain where comprehensive schools had their own pool!). Definitely better let them get confident in the water, while they are young enough not to experience fear or question. I went onto to swim in our school comps and also became an advanced diver so worked for me!

We live on an island, swimming is an essential skill. Lessons aren't competition and i think its great you got her into it so early. If she enjoys it just keep doing it regardless of what in laws say.

But she’s not competing, she’s just progressing through the learn to swim stages, so no you are not being pushy at all, just being a responsible parent. We live in Cornwall so maybe it’s a bit different as we are surrounded by water, but pretty much all kids can swim at least 25m by the time they start school, and finish stage 7 by about 5 or 6, and stage 10 by aged 7 or 8. The ones who are keen then move into competitive swim clubs, and those who aren’t bothered just swim for fun. Lots of kids do surf life saving as well (in the sea) and compete from age 7 at that, which is swimming and various other skills in the sea.

As long as her next move (whether to stay in swimming / join swim club) when she finishes learning to swim, is her choice then you aren’t being pushy you are being supportive.

I wouldn't say once a week is pushy. My daughter has just went 5 and we go swimming on a Saturday. I used to enjoy it myself as a child and would frequently go swimming at lunch time in secondary sechool. For me it wasn't competing or force exercise, I enjoyed it as it was fun. 🤷 Also I think every child should learn to swim. It's dangerous not learning them.

I’ve only read through part of this thread but keep doing what you’re doing! Your DD is learning a life skill and thoroughly enjoying it. It’s giving you precious time together, too! Her GPs should be over the moon that their GD is doing so well at swimming & should be encouraging her, & also boasting to others how great a swimmer she is! Maybe invite them to watch a lesson so they can understand a little bit more?
Good luck!

I agree swimming is a fantastic activity, but the idea that pool lessons automatically equal an open-water "life skill" is a bit of a myth.
Swimming lengths in a heated pool doesn't prepare anyone for falling into a canal fully clothed, where the freezing water causes instant panic. That pool confidence often turns into dangerous overconfidence when people jump into reservoirs or rivers, unaware of hidden currents. Living on an island means we should be teaching people how to respect dangerous water, not just how to swim laps.

Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant that she is enjoying her lessons at 4 years old, and she should definitely carry on since she's having fun! It will be incredibly useful for holidays and other activities as she gets older. But for now, it's just a great hobby and a bit of fun—let her enjoy her lessons for holidays and hobbies, but let’s stop pretending a 25-metre badge is a shield against cold water shock.

I agree, but actually, a large portion of the swimming stages is water safety discussion. I think stage 4 is the one where they do that.

The 25m is meaningless I agree and I actually thought distance badges were a thing of the past. My 11yo is stage 7 and has to do survival skills. I think she started them I stage 5 or 6

I thought lifeguards were on minimum wage, no?

Just checked, it's not quite double. Minimum wage age 16 is £8 and hour DD on lifeguard hours is almost £14 an hour and almost £15 and hour swim teaching. She is contracted 10/hrs a week as swim teacher while at college and lifeguards on Xero hours basis.

This is at local council leisure centre. Private pools nearby pay more.