Family and childcare?

[ZebraZebraPig]

I don’t have any family help with my children, people often seem surprised! I don’t expect it and never would it’s perfectly fine they don’t want to help out but it does seem to shock people so AIBU to think it’s not that shocking that some people’s families dont want to help out? Ive even had “have you asked them?” like I have just never thought of asking, they are my kids so I don’t expect people to help if they don’t want to. Is it really that unusual for families to not help with childcare?

I have no help either. I just want them to enjoy life. I obviously do let my parents look after my DC if they specifically ask to, but I'd never ask them unless it was an emergency.

I get that reaction. Some people seem genuinely horrified and say that they couldn't imagine. My DM didn't have a lot of family help either so I grew up seeing it as normal.

Ah maybe you are right, my mum moved away from family so never had any help either and it wasn’t something we experienced growing up.

Same for me. My parents didn't live near where they grew up and nor did most of my friends parents.

I suspect that there is a regional element to this but when I was at school the families that did have a lot of grandparent help were struggling families, like a single mum who'd had her kids very young or a family where one parent had a chronic illness. I wouldn't say say I've judged families with grandparent help in a moral sense but I've been guilty of making assumptions that the family is troubled in some way because it was more unusual to me.

I did have my DM quite handy and she would come and stay over. We invited her to various school events and days out. Holidays together were too long - we discovered this didn’t work. I didn’t expect her to babysit and it was not every week and not planned as child minding. Just nice things to do together and she could see dc participate in they’d lives, eg see nativity plays and that sort of thing.

I always had her to stay in my house. DDs never stayed at hers but we have a lot more space and she said it was like a mini holiday coming to us, so it worked for us all. I just asked if she’d like to come over but never made it her job to look after dc.

To be honest, I think it's kind of weird when grandparents don't want to help at all. I'm not saying they should be regularly putting themselves out or sacrificing loads of their free time. And if there is ill health or not possible because of age that's one thing. But to never, ever offer to help seems a little harsh. Im a long way from being a grand parent but I can't imagine never wanting to help my kids out if they have their own. My parents live quite far and are older so I only ask every so often so we can go on a date or to a special occasion but they are always happy to help if they can. But then my parents had loads of help with us, much more than they give me.

I get this too. I’ve been asked by the mum of a young baby when I first had a night away from my 3 year old, as if she was sure that I must have done several times. Was horrified when I said never unless you count when I was giving birth to his sister. I think it is shocking for some people who rely on family support to hear that some don’t get any.

I get that all the time as well. Once at the school I was saying DH and myself had never had a childfree night away and some of the mums were absolutely incredulous . They were all “oh you need to go away just yourselves”. They couldn’t get their heads around not having anyone to do overnights (we luckily have a great babysitter that we pay for evenings out) .

The problem I'm having with my ILs is how little time that they want to spend with us. I don't care if they don't want to do childcare, I'd never want to take advantage anyway, but they just drop off the radar completely for long periods. My DP spend more time with them despite being further away.

We moved abroad, so we have little local support, my mum is amazing and does visit a few times a year giving us a night off, but day to day or emergency just isn’t possible, as imagine it isn’t for any families who have moved for work etc.

My parents both passed away before DD was born and in my laws both worked full time till recently so family help just hasn’t been available and that’s fine, we’ve managed. We’ve taken a few annual leave days here and there so we could go on daytime dates while DD was at school. She’s 12 now so it suddenly feels like we have loads of alone time because she spends more time with her friends or in her room

Family help can be overrated. My mum would love to help more but her "help" comes with strings attached which are honestly even more stressful than having no help. The moment someone steps in your house and takes over your children, they also get to mess with the routine, make decisions, and most of all judgments. We keep family for plenty of fun stuff/visits and prefer to pay for actual help.

Yes I think that's what I would find.
I always paid a neighbour to babysit while we had nights out, they were at nursery during working hours.
When you are paying somebody you can tell them what's acceptable and what isn't.
When somebody is doing you a favour you have to put up with their way.
Also, regarding grandparents minding kids, at ds school some grandparents collected the kids.
I used to feel really sorry for them.
Some kids, only a parent could love

I think it's quite sad if relatives don't want to help. I know not everyone can, but if they could but don't want to it's a bit of a shame. My kids had such an amazing time being looked by their grandparents. I never asked the grandparents to, but they were desperate to do so. In our family it's a bit weird for relatives not to help out. That includes aunts , cousins etc

Across most countries/communities, it is normal, and has always been. If you choose to be a parent, you're choosing at least the possibility of being a grandparent, and most people want to help. Obviously it depends on your health/if you have to work FT etc, but I would hope to help mine, if they have kids when they grow up. Grandparents and grandchildren can have a very special relationship, important for both, and many grandparents are devastated if they don't get to have this.
Modern life has changed things, people living further away, women in particular being busier than in the past, and things that would been seen as shocking in other places, like not helping family/going NC with them, have recently seemed to be more common.

We’ve never had any family help. I’ve definitely never had anyone be shocked by that. I’d say that’s pretty much the norm amongst 80% of families I know. The other 20% tend to be quite unusual circumstances: one family has a very ill child, so grandparents help a lot because parents are often at hospital 1-3 hours away. Or another family, the parents are divorced and mum is mostly off partying with her boyfriend during her 50% so her parents usually have her 4 kids. 😳

But most of us normal families have always done it ourselves. That said, I cannot imagine having grandchildren and not wanting to help with them. My mum hasn’t seen my children in 6 years and MIL (both our dads died when we were teens) sees them maybe every other month for a few hours, but has never taken them out to do anything fun. Eldest is 13, so there has been no lack of opportunity to spend time with them. They are simply pathologically disinterested (my mum) to just not very engaged (and probably a bit controlled by her partner so isn’t allowed to see us much, in the case of MIL). Their choice, but I don’t get it. I’ll totally be that granny who is there and waiting for all the school holidays and sick days.

Thanks all, I’ve known people to post on mumsnet saying their parents won’t help with childcare and they usually get slated for expecting it, so seems you can’t really win

Btw this isn’t exclusive to grandparents,
my siblings wouldnt help either

My mum and step dad have helped me with childcare for 14yrs. I owe them my career and lifestyle I have now. I’ve never had to put my children in paid care. I’ve worked 2-3 12 hour shifts with my parents supporting for at least a few hours a shift when my DH has been working.

As a family we all do the same for each other. I cared for both my sisters children when my mum couldn’t, and now my niece and nephews children as required. Our family members do not use paid child care unless the choose to. No strings, no drama. We just all chip in.

We are beyond lucky. Hats off to you guys that don’t have that support. It must be tough.

My mum created this mindset as she said she had no help or support with work and childcare. It held her back both in her career and financially, she never wanted that for me and my sisters. I will adopt the same attitude for my children.

I had a lot of help with DS1 from my parents as I was young and still lived at home. By the time I had DS2 and DD I was living 250 miles away. I had no-one local to babysit, and very occasionally i’d have my parents babysit when staying over. But generally for years I didn’t go out much as ex DP worked overseas majority of the time. All adults now, and it does feel odd to have that free time again. If i’m local, i’ll help out with baby-sitting, but likely i’ll be working full time until 67 at least so it wouldn’t be regular but i’d be happy to babysit for nights out and couple holidays. I know how important it is to get a break.

My DB benefitted massively with his 2 DD’s from my parents babysitting at least one night per week, but they are also adults now and he’s had another child with second wife. This time my dad has passed and my mum not able to babysit, and her parents are overseas (sadly recently both passed) and so they have no-one to babysit. They are very much looking for my relocation much nearer to them as i’m offered to help out so they can get away some weekends.

Yeah I had no help either! So much for it takes a village. I was thinking the other day that my son is 10 and my dad has never even taken him for a day out, a stark difference to my grandparents who always wanted us and were taking us out. My mum did when she was alive but died in her 50s so unfortunately she didn’t get many years of being a grandparent. I think I left my son with my nan a few times when he was an appropriate age as felt bad that she’s a lot older so it’s pretty much just been me and my son all his life

Yea minimal help as my parents were well into their 70s when my kids were born and lived abroad half the year and my in laws were just not interested. We used paid sitters and if my parents were around they’d look after them as the kids would have been put to bed already, but we just worked around it. It would have been lovely if my kids had more of a relationship with their grandparents but my DF died when they were 3 and 5, and my mother was in her 80s by then and just didn’t have the energy.
But my parents lived in another country to their parents and beyond that it wasn’t the done thing to look after your grandkids (or even your own to a large extent)!

Pretty much every family i know has grandparents babysit for them

My mum was the same she had no help but I think it’s made her be the opposite of your mum and not want to help out

I can see how it can go either way. For me I think on the one hand I'll want to help if I can because I know how hard it is being a mum but I don't think I'd ever want to do scheduled childcare. After being very restricted with my own children I'll want to take advantage of the freedom later.

I've wondered if people that have always had loads of grandparent help are less likely to have that "I've done my time" feeling. Then again you get lots of posts from people claiming that they were "practically raised" by their grandparents and don't get why their parents don't offer the same to their kids.