Family and childcare?

[ZebraZebraPig]

I don’t have any family help with my children, people often seem surprised! I don’t expect it and never would it’s perfectly fine they don’t want to help out but it does seem to shock people so AIBU to think it’s not that shocking that some people’s families dont want to help out? Ive even had “have you asked them?” like I have just never thought of asking, they are my kids so I don’t expect people to help if they don’t want to. Is it really that unusual for families to not help with childcare?

Morally somewhere things have changed, and it is now deemed acceptable to tell people their children aren't welcome or wanted by family members. This was just unheard of when I was growing up in the 80's. Now people don't bat an eyelid at saying stuff like this, and if you get offended then your the problem.

We had no family within 150 miles. My dc are 17 and 14. We paid for every second of childcare we needed. DM moved to within a mile 5 years ago and almost immediately got a cancer diagnosis, then Covid & long Covid and then needed a hip replacement, so needed care just as my teens were gaining independence !

My parents had zero help so I think that does frame things for them. However they were considerably richer! They are young retirees & will help maybe 4/5 times a year when we ask but not the kind of regular help either during work or for fun that some people have. I don’t resent it and I’m grateful for what they do for us, but I’d hope to be more helpful to my own kids if they want it/need it and we are young enough.

How old are your children? And are your parents close and able to help if they wanted?

Yes my mum lives 10 minutes away and able to help but it doesn’t matter as I don’t expect her to her she’s done her time

There is an assumption that family live near you and are fit and able to help (and also that they are not still working themselves!)

I live in commuter belt. Most people have moved here because they have jobs in London or the Home counties. And most people do not come from this area originally so, obviously, have no family on hand to help.

Our only family is my PiL, who live in the Midlands, 4 hours away, and whilst they have always been amazing and took the kids for a week every summer and 3-4 day visits at other times of the year, they couldn’t support the day to day childcare issues we had. I’m not untypical for my parent peer group.

I live 4 hours from my parents and 3 hours from my in-laws and they still help. My son is on holiday with MiL and FiL as we speak. I am very lucky (it does help that we only have one).

If DS has any children I'll pay it forward.

I live in small-town SW so a lot of families around here have 3 or 4 generations in the same area and most of the school mums I've met have siblings with kids so they trade off.

My mum doesn’t work but still doesnt have my children but like I said this isn’t just about grandparents i have loads of brothers and a sister that doesn't help either (i dont want to single out one person) it’s not that they won’t help thats fine I accepted it it’s more peoples reactions, I said someone say to
me the other day “have you actually asked them?!” Like they couldn’t quite believe people just wouldnt want to