To ground DD (16) lied about tonight and plans to drink

[mullingitallover43]

my DD (16) is naturally craving more independence and freedom and fun in the summer hols . She’s a good girl, responsible and had a job and we’re generally happy to facilitate this- supporting arrangements, drop offs, sleepovers etc.

She had a plan for tonight to go to a mutual friends house with a friend then back here to sleepover. It sounded a bit sketchy so I checked her phone. This is something we’ve agreed on as she was put in an unsafe situation in contact with an adult last year.

i saw that she and a friend are planning to meet up with a group that our DD doesn’t know and they are all talking alcohol to the park. The friends had bought vodka for my Dd to have tonight (she’s never drunk before) She told us it was a party at a girls house.

I’m aware this is all classic teenage behaviour but I’m not okay with it and worried about her. I have a major surgery next week and want things to be safe and peaceful in the house in the lead up.

aibu to cancel her plans tonight-including the sleepover due to the fibbing and alcohol arrangements?

Don't know about the grounding ..vodka for someone who's never drank before vvv bad idea.

She’s 16. Would you say it at 18? I was working full time at 16 (albeit I’m old 🤣). It’s tricky though, you want to (naturally) keep her safe. Have you sat down and discussed your worries with her? At 16 I would have ignored you and gone anyway.

I’d want to know why she lied.
At 16 this may not be legal but it’s not unusual. Who does know the group in the park? Is the park safe? Are the kids nice?

Is she 16 almost 17 or just turned 16?

Would you have been okay with her drinking at a party?

Personally I would have preferred my child aged 16 to drink lager or cider. I would have have preferred them to drink in someone’s house or garden. Or at the least I would arrange to collect them. I’d prefer to buy them lager to take with them then leave them to a friends vodka.

I drank at 16 and would go to the pub or a night club. Times have changed and you can’t do that anymore and there are too many unknown men wandering about now to do that in many towns. But I would tell my mum where I was going, and when I would be back.

If you ground her she may lie more.

You drop her off and pick her up from the park. BIG conversation about the drinking and then let her decide. You're TRUSTING her.
By grounding and bollocking she'll only get more devious at hiding things from you. They have to make mistakes, It's part of growing up.

You need to buy her alcohol so its not straight vodka she's drinking

Not sure about the grounding if it's the first time she's done something like this... I don't think grounding her is going to make her less likely to drink vodka etc. in the future although obviously that doesn't mean you just let her do what she wants.
Defo give her a telling off and explain to her everything she needs to know about drinking. I think that she can have the sleepover though if possible

I would and did react that way when my daughter was a similar age. Yes, perfectly normal behaviour. But as I said at the time, she got caught. My behaviour was also perfectly normal.

Oh the memories of drinking a half bottle of neat Smirnoff🤮🤮

My dd is 16 and her and her group of friends are interested in alcohol so she is allowed but I try and steer her away from spirits and talk about safety around drinking etc etc she is also a sensible girl but know that she has tried gin and vodka when other friends have brought it to parties etc. So far we haven’t had any major issues.
it’s a tricky age and I get your concern but I probably wouldn’t ground her but talk to ger about drinking and safety etc. she probably hasn’t told you the full story as she thinks you might say no.

Why do people always say this? As if any teen who has been given cider by their parent then declines the vodka once the cider is gone.
I’m not puritanical about alcohol, but the idea that providing the group with more alcohol in total will reduce what your teen drinks is for the birds.

OP I don’t think I’d ground her - I assume if you knew it was a party at someone’s house, you were aware there was a reasonable chance of alcohol? But I would make it clear that the lying wasn’t ok. You thought she was going to be at someone’s house, but actually she was going to be in a park somewhere.

Same never again 🤣

Depends on the teen talk to them about the dangers of spirits and about telling their friends they got pissed on it before so can't stomach it anymore so now stick to cider/larger

Likewise.

You need to buy her something weaker yourself and acknowledge that there’s little you can do to stop a 16 year old experimenting. You won’t be able to do a thing about it in 2 short years.
It’s better to be in the know and this be managed than her having to lie, drink vodka (!) and no doubt make herself rather poorly.
I’m surprised you haven’t allowed her a managed drink at home up to now? It helps kerb the novelty factor.

“they are all talking alcohol to the park.”

OP, this is a recipe for disaster, especially if the alcohol concerned is vodka. What happens when they need the loo? What happens if one of them gets dangerously drunk? What happens when some boys who happen to be in the park take more than a passing interest? My own DD went to the park with friends and they polished off a bottle of rum (which they had persuaded someone to purchase for them) - thankfully, she had the sense to phone her father, who brought her and her friends to my house where I had three of them throwing up all over the bathroom…. You need to talk to your DD about keeping safe. Personally, I’d rather they all had drinks in my garden where at least you can keep an eye. If she’s got friends coming for a sleepover, tell her to ask them over earlier. It’s hard to ground your DD when she hasn’t actually done anything yet, but I would be pointing out that if she thought it was all perfectly above board, she wouldn’t have needed to have bent the truth.

Isn't park drinking kinda standard for younguns?

Just talk to her about why vodka as her first ever drink being an awful idea. Grounding her will start an awful relationship between you. A relationship where she can tell you anything and takes your advice on board is much healthier.

Dont ground her. Let her have her fun

Punishing her will only have the effect that she will have to sneak around more, remember to delete messages, using code language etc. Speak to her about the things that worry you about her plan instead, tell her that it's perfectly normal for kids her age to occasionally drink but that she has to call you if anything gets out of hand and that she has to give your number to her friend that she is going with just in case.

Having raised two teens I can tell you that you might as well get used to it. You will have a few years of worry and sleepless nights ahead of you, but don't punish them for something that is completely natural.

Agree with snoken. Talk openly about it with her tell her it’s not a good idea but at this age craving widening your social circle and having some booze is normal. Best to do it safely and with you there to assist if necessary. Shouting and grounding her will drive her underground and is ultimately less safe.

A friend who works at a local hospital says they even have an acronym for this “PIP”. Pissed in park.

Alarm bells ringing for me I'm afraid. A group of people your daughter doesn't know have bought vodka for her.

A) neat vodka when you've never even drunk before is a terrible idea

B) They've bought it. That vodka could be laced with anything. She doesn't know these people, they could have something sinister in mind or think she'll be good for a laugh.

C) Again, she doesn't know these people, they aren't going to have her welfare in mind. She could be smashed quite easily and they may hot tail it out of the park leaving her incapacitated and for anyone to find.

Just a stupid idea all round, having a few ciders with your mates who will take care of you, is different beast that the hard stuff with people you don't know. Have the sleepover with a few alcopops/cider. It's under your roof, it's nowhere near neat spirit level, takes away that novelty factor.

She's been caught and she would be vulnerable so i would not let her go. However, i would tell her that in future she doesnt need to lie. That nights out can be negotiated. She does need to explore life. I would also tell her that you will stop checking her phone in return. She's a young adult now.

Indeed it did not end well 😩

Vodka is just asking for trouble, I remember my head down the toilet as a teenager after drinking in the park 😫😫

If she knows that you check her phone (how often?) is it possible that she's hoping you'd find out and stop her? Much easier to say 'my mum knows and I'm grounded ' than to admit she's scared to say no.