To ground DD (16) lied about tonight and plans to drink

[mullingitallover43]

my DD (16) is naturally craving more independence and freedom and fun in the summer hols . She’s a good girl, responsible and had a job and we’re generally happy to facilitate this- supporting arrangements, drop offs, sleepovers etc.

She had a plan for tonight to go to a mutual friends house with a friend then back here to sleepover. It sounded a bit sketchy so I checked her phone. This is something we’ve agreed on as she was put in an unsafe situation in contact with an adult last year.

i saw that she and a friend are planning to meet up with a group that our DD doesn’t know and they are all talking alcohol to the park. The friends had bought vodka for my Dd to have tonight (she’s never drunk before) She told us it was a party at a girls house.

I’m aware this is all classic teenage behaviour but I’m not okay with it and worried about her. I have a major surgery next week and want things to be safe and peaceful in the house in the lead up.

aibu to cancel her plans tonight-including the sleepover due to the fibbing and alcohol arrangements?

I think you need to have a conversation with her, it will be far safer if she is allowed to drink small amounts in moderation which you have purchased and agreed rather than sneaking about and drinking spirits. Talk about peer pressure. My ds takes a couple of beers but maybe only drinks one. It keeps people off his back.

The case that immediately came to mind was a girl that got drunk on spirits for the first being gang raped outside of her school prom. Worst case scenario? Yes, but there’s so much about this that’s ringing alarm bells. It’s one thing for friends to sneak vodka at one of their houses, but in a park with people she doesn’t know? Are the people they meeting even teenagers?

There’s so much that could go wrong here, and if the worst case does happen you’ll never be able to forgive yourself for not intervening when you knew what they had planned.

She knows you check her phone, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise to her that you’ve found out. I’d talk to her about it, but ultimately I would stop her from going.

YANBU exactly but...

Is too much restriction part of what's driving the poor decision making? It isn't always down to naivety but with getting into an unsafe situation with an adult and now planning on vodka being her first alcoholic drink and with a group of kids she doesn't know it sounds like may be she isn't that streetwise and hasn't had enough limited but still heading towards adulthood situations to build up her understanding of how to be safe.

Is canceling wise though? Will it just push her into doing crazier stuff without your knowledge? I think the most dangerous part of what your DD has done is lie about it. Obviously drinking vodka in the park with strangers is no parent's idea of a desirable night out for their DC, but if she's lying about that she'll probably be reluctant to call you if things go south - and that's a huge problem.

And while I understand your concern over your op, DD isn't able to put her teen years on hold. You've got a week before, then the week of and then, presumably, several weeks of recovery. The summer will be over and that will be her only summer as a 16 year old. Which isn't to say your need for peace isn't reasonable, but you may need some compromise to make sure your DD doesn't end up turning it into a lifelong drama.

I would have a talk with her about it. See what she can get her friends to compromise on.

I remember me and my friends going to the park at 16 and drinking vodka. My friend collapsed and an ambulance was called / social services whilst at the hospital with her mum. It may be common but I’d be telling her she isn’t going but letting the sleepover continue, perhaps you can get a few low alcohol drinks for them?