To really wish that someone in my life would make the effort? Or should I accept my role?

[movintothecountry]

Im sure that this is a common feeling, especially among women who are mothers and used to being the 'doers' in their families, but is anyone else fed up of being the only one to make things happen? I am by no means a martyr, but i have realised over the years that if I dont organise stuff, like holidays, days out, experiences e.g. theatre trips etc, nothing happens...?

I dont want to get into a whole debate about whether my dh and friends/wider family are all rubbish, undoubtedly there's an element of that.

Its more that I wonder if i should take a step back and not bother (have tried this for a while, nothing happens) or just crack on as I have been, recognising that I am the catalyst in my life and if I want to do stuff I should just be the organiser?

I suppose at the crux of it all, what im sad about really, is that nobody in my life seems to care enough to want to organise something nice for ne or to make sure they can spend time with me? If I stop sorting out meet ups with friends, will I just - have no friends? Am hoping someone on here can empathise and provide some advice?

im not sure I understand your point. Are you organising things for others that you don’t really enjoy but somehow think they ought to happen? How do you decide what ought to happen? Is anyone other than you disappointed when “nothing happens”?

How old are your family. I guess it will be different when they are in primary versus secondary school.

I think I get it. Wouldn’t it be lovely to just turn up to something instead of having to nag everyone for a date that works, do the booking, nag everyone for their £ contribution , all of that? And feel valued because someone / a group of someones has asked you if you’d like to go somewhere with them , instead of the other way round?

but I don’t know how to make it happen

I think it's a bit Catch 22. Some people I find, especially women, are natural organisers, maybe worriers, natural fixers, like to deal with detail, like to sort everyone out and may be people pleasers to boot. Inevitably, they get known for being good at this stuff which gives other people a means to be lazy because Sally, or whoever, always does it. In order to change the record, you may literally have to be another person. The sort of person I'm talking about is probably like me. I don't have your problems. I don't have them because I don't think it's my job to have them (at least should be shared), I don't want to have them and I refuse to take on board more than I should, more than is fair, as a result. I've learnt a lot over time and I'm no people-pleaser. Maybe not much help to you OP. You'll literally have to make boundaries more important than pleasing everyone. Also, you'd need to recognise that the world won't stop if you go on strike. It might surprise you what survival skills those around you can come up with all on their own.

I understand this so well. I am always the one organising get togethers . I think it's because I don't have the extended family commitments my friends have . Used to host a lot of meals , BBQ then got fed up and guess what nobody took up the slack .
It's the same with my immediate family . I am always aware of birthdays , etc. and make an effort which they love . But it is rarely reciprocated. Excuses are I didn't get time , working . But my birthday , mothers day, Xmas are always the same date .
It happens to most women I think which is why it's such a common cliche .

I have just accepted that if I want things to happen, I need to be the person who makes the initial suggestion, gets the ball rolling and probably who does most of the work involved in making things happen. But then things do happen. Most people just want to turn up to things rather than be the organiser, and since I don't have kids and am probably less busy than most of my friends who do have kids, I actively choose to be someone who sends the invites. As a result, I have a weekend away with a group of female friends coming up, brunch with other friends tomorrow, just got back from a mini-break in Europe, have another holiday in Europe planned in a few weeks etc. None of it would be happening if I hadn't asked first. I just don't have the kind of life where spontaneous gatherings etc happen, so I make sure they do.

Yes this is it, would be nice for someone else to do the thinking and planning.

Thanks for your comment.

Its hard to explain, but im not really a people pleaser, kind of the opposite really. I have pretty iron clad boundaries about not doing stuff unless I want to and I dont run around for others and then complain about it. I do only so much as I have capacity for and dont burn myself out.

So this is where my dilemma is prob a bit silly. Im only organising stuff that I want to do like holidays, trips out, meals with friends, hosting
bbqs etc. Iys just that if I decide to die tools, nothing really happens. Maybe someone organises something once in a blue moon, but it's rare. Everyone else is happy to just 'do nothing' so maybe I should just accept that if I want to do stuff I have to be the organiser?

Just a bit fed up because I want to feel like people want to do stuff with me, but in reality theyre not bothered .

This sounds like me tbh. I suppose one big plus is that I get a lot of say in what happens with friends, where we go etc. But I would like someone else to make the effort occasionally, if nothing else but to show that they are bothered about getting together.

I’d carry on arranging things for your kids (if they aren’t adults) and you but stop for anything/anyone else. Only do things if they benefit you/the kids.

I sympathise. Wouldn't it be nice if someone would do the organising and let you relax and enjoy whatever it is from time to time. Sadly what will happen if you step back is they will likely organise events and not include you.

I get this completely but I think it comes down to what's the least worst option. Does your enjoyment of the events outweigh the resentment of always being the person to organise everything?

I've often found that I am the person doing the organising, especially with family. I have come to see that positively: I get to choose the location and activity. Sometimes I see people complaining that a friend never takes "their turn" to issue a dinner invite: this wouldn't worry me as by organising I would be the one who gets to choose the meal!
When my in-laws were alive and we did Christmases with them my s-i-l once remarked that at least we didn't have to buy the food. I found that weird. I'd rather entertain than be the one driving hundreds of miles!

Like the OP I may well have cast iron boundaries about what I like to do!

I guess if your friends come to what you arrange it is proof they want to see you and may well appreciate your taking the lead.

I get it. I'm the organiser in my group and if I don't suggest , nothing happens. If I sit back and wait, nothing happens. So if I want to do things, I have to make it happen. I've kind of come to peace with it now as people always enthusiastically agree and say yes! Hard work though, I get it. I'm very lucky that my husband is fantastic and arranges lots of lovely things for me.

I can empathise with this. I organise most holidays although in recent years the ideas have been instigated by my daughters and very occasionally my husband. Friends also do step up if I don’t contact them for a while but things happen a lot less frequently if I don’t organise things. Some people are just more pro active. Now I just organise things I want to. To be fair family do step up on Mother’s Day and my birthday. Do you want to do these things? If so maybe you ask for help?

im the planner and organiser between me and my partner- its annoying, as like you say if I did nothing, then there would be nothing planned at all- even if i ask for a suggestion he will say... shall i find something to watch on tv? (err.. NO!!!! thats not really what I was after) but he consistently says how much he enjoyed theatre/cinema/day out/holiday destination /meal out etc. He will say 'I'll find and book the next holiday/I'll check out whats on ... but never does it. I also asked him what he wants to do for his birthday?- in June, after we'd gone away for the night dinner bed and breakfast, at one of our favourite restaurants with rooms, in a favourite location, with the days spent on a country walk , visiting a wetland, , mooching round old country churchyards - things we enjoy together, its now end of July, his birthday is in the middle of august, and i'm still waiting for suggestions or for him to arrange something- i decided Im not doing it, though I have asked him a couple of times since June, and i bet we will stay home, and watch tv.
I'm lucky that friends are the social organisers for the couple of circles Im in- i get an invite and can just go and enjoy,

So it sounds like you're organising stuff that you want to do, which is a bit different than feeling you have to do it. I too can research a holiday into oblivion and then never go on the holiday. I'm a bit confused. Are members of your family happy to just do nothing while you're the one who wants to go on holiday? Could you go on holiday on your own, or as a group not connected to your family? Do your family even like barbecues? Are you just a lot more social than them? I really don't know. Family should be doing things for you without having to be asked. Are they aware you would like that? Still confused.

I know what you mean op. Do people have it in friendships too? Found I was always reaching out (5 us). So I let someone else plan it now. As regards hols my husband books it all. I made a better effort to look up trains etc and not leave it all to him

Cinema I just go with one friend its just easier to plan that

I suppose one way you could look at it is at least I've got people who will show up to the things I plan. Feel free to ignore me if that just comes across as a variant of "at least you still have your parents".

@TheIdlerReturnsyes I am organising stuff i want to do. Family and friends generally love it and express appreciation e.g. thanks for organising those gig tickets, it was really good fun etc... but then never reciprocate.

However if I didn't organise said gig tickets, nobody would go to a gig, does that make sense? There would be chat about getting together and doing stuff but nobody would actually organise it.

And believe me I have dropped the rope for a year or more wiyh people in the past and nothing happens.

Its baffling as im no more social than anyone else, bit of an ambivert to be honest. With some of my friends they will be off at other times doing things with other friends and family of theirs (that presumably organised it for them)?

My dh is not an organiser, he's the ideas person, im the doer. Ive kind of made my peace with that, but it does chafe, sometimes I want to have a lovely idea and get other people to sort out the details.

Not sure theres a solution to this really, maybe it just is what it is! Ive seemingly surrounded myself with lovely but flakey people that are happy to let me lead the proceedings! Perhaps a therapist would have some ideas about what that says about me

No that makes sense. It is a first world problem and I am very lucky and grateful to have friends and family, I know that.

My family are grown up now, but I did this for years.
my lovely daughter arranges thugs for us to do together and I appreciate and enjoy every moment. My other daughter lives overseas, but does organise thing when we visit.
Otherwise no one else has ever organised a family birthday celebration, card, gift, Christmas meal and presents, family get togethers or holidays, dinner parties etc.
Most of it I enjoyed but after 45 years of doing it I look back and think what a doormat I was.

@Lifelover16thats nice that your dd does stuff
Here's hoping my kids turn out to be organisers as adults!

I dont feel like a mug fortunately, if I stopped nobody would care im sure. But my life is definitely better for being able to do nice things with people, so maybe I just need to focus on the positives.

I completely get this.

If I don't organise it, it doesn't happen.

Why buy milk when you have the cow for free?

Men can become complacent when they are too comfortable. If you are always running around and doing everything, it will not encourage him to become more thoughtful or intuitive; clear boundaries and shared effort will.

Prioritise the things you want to do, communicate your standards clearly, and leave space for him to meet you with the same energy.

There's no way I would be running around for my DH.