To really wish that someone in my life would make the effort? Or should I accept my role?

[movintothecountry]

Im sure that this is a common feeling, especially among women who are mothers and used to being the 'doers' in their families, but is anyone else fed up of being the only one to make things happen? I am by no means a martyr, but i have realised over the years that if I dont organise stuff, like holidays, days out, experiences e.g. theatre trips etc, nothing happens...?

I dont want to get into a whole debate about whether my dh and friends/wider family are all rubbish, undoubtedly there's an element of that.

Its more that I wonder if i should take a step back and not bother (have tried this for a while, nothing happens) or just crack on as I have been, recognising that I am the catalyst in my life and if I want to do stuff I should just be the organiser?

I suppose at the crux of it all, what im sad about really, is that nobody in my life seems to care enough to want to organise something nice for ne or to make sure they can spend time with me? If I stop sorting out meet ups with friends, will I just - have no friends? Am hoping someone on here can empathise and provide some advice?

Ditto here. People can be really crap.

It’s also irritating how people just don’t think things through holistically for themselves. Eg the organiser might book the tickets, but the others don’t engage their brains with how they are going to travel, where they are going to stay etc. it’s just…left.

I now have my own contingency plan. So if for example, it’s obvious that travel needs to be organised, I will plan for how I’m going to get there and back without needing anyone else to do anything. When it descends into panic nearer the time as no one else has thought of it, i just keep quiet or say “ooh I don’t know, I’ll leave that one with you”.

At least we get to have arrangements that 100% suit us.

Maybe all us organisers should get together -
But would we annoy each other as we’d all want things to be done in our own preferred way?

Yes I stepped back but then nobody plans anything) but yes gets tiring being the planner!

I have good boundaries around wife work. I dont for example do his ironing, book drs appts or do anything associated with his families birthdays/xmas presents etc. It often means they get nothing and i am good at feeling zero guilt about anything where his lack of planning impacts on his relatives, thats for him to manage.

However he has many good qualities and can organise some stuff, hes not a total idiot, but left to his own devices he wouldn't bother with much of the stuff we do.

I think i must accept it because it's not really a deal breaker for me I suppose. I would like him to be more thoughtful, but hes generous, funny, intelligent and good company (and likely has undiagnosed adhd) so I organise the holidays and activitues i like and he has the choice to come along or organise his own. I dont think he would see it as 'getting milk for free' as he doesn't really care about the milk if that makes sense.

Yanbu . Stop doing it and see if they do
anything .

I mean I organise things because I wish to be a participant in life and not a bystander. I wish to do things with others so I’ll make that happen.

And others do think of me, eg organising birthday dinners etc.

I think it’s about boundaries and saying no and not always doing things for others that will exhaust you. Protect yourself and others will respect you for that.

I empathise with you. I'm always the one who makes contact with friends to get together. I think they come to expect it and they never seem to think that maybe they should be proactive. I'm rebelling at the moment and have decided not to make contact with them so we'll see what happens! Unfortunately I've got the feeling that they contact will drift away.

A good friend told me many years ago that sometimes you can’t just wait for things to change - you have to make it happen yourself. And that’s just what I do. I’m on my own now so don’t have other people to consider but even when I wasn’t if I’d sat around and waited then I’d have done absolutely zilch.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. You want to do stuff more than the other people around you. They don’t mind doing it, but aren’t bothered enough to organise it. So in fact you’re doing what you want. You’re organising stuff for you. Which is good, obviously, but I think it’s a bit much to expect people who aren’t bothered either way to do it.

If I understand it, if you stop organising then nothing happens? You’d have no holidays, no nights out with partner, or friends? So your life would stop because they don’t do anything?

Then my advice would be to build a life away from them all so that you can withdraw all organising for them and just take care of yourself. Book a holiday to go on by yourself and pay for it. If DH wants a holiday with you or his mates, he’ll have to sort it/instigate it. If friends comment that you’ve all not been out together for a while, you can shrug and suggest they organise something - but do not offer to do it.

There are FB pages for solo travellers and loads of travel companies that cater to women going solo, many married etc so not a ‘singles’ thing. Or take up a hobby and make new friends via that - and go on a holiday related to it? I have friends who go on craft weekends - knitting, patchwork/quilting, cross stitch etc - and I have been on writing retreats in Europe which are great. Group classes in the AM after breakfast and then lunch or evening meals arranged, or sight seeing trips set up by the host/organisers where you meet others so you aren’t lonely but can happily opt to have a quiet night in on the terrace if you want it.

They may not notice you not organising their activities, but they will notice that you have gone away for the week/weekend or that you now aren’t around two nights a week because you are learning salsa, tap or Italian. You’ll make new friends and the old ones can either step up or fade away. Either way, you’ll feel seen by your new friends and the burden of organising will be lifted.

I think this is great advice, thank you

I could have written this OP! I remember a few years ago thinking why is it always me organising things?! But what I’ve recently come to realise is I just like things to be planned. I also don’t think it’s the fact that no one would do anything at all, they would just do it… slower!!

My friends and family appreciate it though and I have definitely been told more than once that they are glad they have me for organising things/keeping everyone together etc so hearing that makes it all worth it,
I’m sure people appreciate you - remember there is always that one ‘in the group’ who is the organiser!

I got tired doing it all but then friends dry up if nobody meets. I did get resentful though. A neighbour did contact group (5 us) and we going wait til all holidays over and meet. My husb work 2 couples same thing a year could go unless I message) Im def tired it

I'm a planner

But I use this to my advantage. I suggest holidays, trips, nights out, that I want to do!