AIBU to feel less of a mother for having one child only?

[Sweetdreamsbeautifulnightmare]

Not sure if this is a common feeling but I only have one son. I’m 39 and we don’t want anymore. He’s 8 nearly and I always assumed I’d have more but I struggled a lot with him in the early days! He’s a lovely intelligent well liked boy but never slept well and still doesn’t! This totally put me off more for my sanity!

However, my DH and I are definitely in the minority. In his class only one other friend is a single, the rest have at least one or two siblings! Plus the one who is the single has parents who are older who struggled to conceive.

I feel less of a mother for only having one child! I don’t worry he’s lonely as he has lots of friends and cousins and tbh I see how others struggle with two and don’t regret our decision but I do feel like I’m not a mother the same as they are! Does this resonate with anyone?!

well, you’re a mother to more people if you have more than one, and you’re still a mother if you have one.
I wonder what makes you say this though. Theres obviously something behind this statement.

As a mum of one 9 year old DD I absolutely second this. I struggled with only having one for ages and would feel so guilty about not being able to give her a sibling. We are such a happy unit of three nowadays (also with a cat who is adored by our daughter!) I too am now over these feelings. Just focus on all the positives (and there are many!) of only having one and being the best MUM to your DS

She did apologise!

From memory her two were both playing up so it was said in that context - battling with two terrors rather than one. But she did know I’d had a mc.

I am aware that some folks think that you don’t really understand parenting until youve got more than one. But that’s like saying you don’t understand parenting if you have two as well as someone who has four. Where would it end!!

Exactly. I know my son loves his little life, and it makes me so happy. He’s all mine, no one else gets my attention (apart from
husband and cats obvs!) and I just adore him.

You have a child, ergo, you’re a mother.
I’m a one-and-done, he’s 21 now. I feel that I did a better job of mothering him than either my maternal grandmother who had six, or my MIL who had seven. He was certainly more loved and better fed. Both are women who like babies but lost interest once they were old enough to have even the slightest modicum of independence. My mum grew up in a fractious and angry household where, as the eldest daughter, she was parentified from an early age, my partner grew up in neglectful and squalid poverty with a big dose of religious weirdness.

My only child is 4, so I can’t predict how I’ll feel in future but I don’t feel less of a mother for only having one. I would agree that my mothering experience is a lot easier than those who have multiple children, but I don’t think it makes me inferior in any way. I’m a much better mother than many I see with 2+ children (and likewise, I’m a worse mother than others).

A lot of parents of 2+ children seem to say that the jump from 0-1 is harder than the jump from 1-2, 2-3 etc. By that logic, even if the mother of one has less on their plate they’ve still got a pretty full plate.

Is the woman who had 20+ kids more of a mother, do you think?

If anyone with multiple kids makes a snarky comment about my having one, I have an answer ready: "Well, I got a great kid first time - are you guys still trying for one?"

Because if you chat shit you'll get it back from me.

I have a friend who goes on about "wait until you have two running in opposite directions" etc, and another, I shit you not, who talks about passing on her and her husbands "great genes" to their brood of four (it does make me laugh that ironically my son is showing great aptitude in their hobby, whilst their kids are scared of it!).

You need to get done with the introspection and find your sass.

I'd say it's far more likely to be because all children are different and develop a little differently. I have six and they are all very much individuals in all respects and have been since the day they were born! Try not to feel guilty.

On behalf of my own DM and also my DD, both of whom only have one child, YABU.

It's the quality of your parenting, not the quantity that makes a good parent.

I have a grumpy neighbour who insists that having two children ‘is too easy’ and sniffs at people who have one as ‘not having a real family’. I have pointed out how ludicrous this is and how offensive it is too. I will now add that although all four of hers got great degrees and are less grumpy than their mother, she bred them all to think that thinning about money beyond having savings, and working hard, long hours was ‘wrong’. Instead, they are waiting for her to sell her home so they can get their hands on deposits (while they work lovely charity sector type jobs that only the minted can afford to do - and sadly mum is not minted so she hasn’t done the best job there in teaching them about financial security)…

I have often envied friends with one child: they remain a ‘couple’; their children are invariably brighter and more privileged and more mature AND they don’t have the same level of financial or administrative stress (generally) as we do. If we had one DC, my husband could have partially retired by now. I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed by policing arguments. You are almost certainly more of a mother than I as your efforts are more concentrated. Oh and you’ve done a very responsible thing for the environment.

OP, I wouldn’t read too much into your poll results because I think people interpreted the AIBU in different ways.
I clicked that you are not being unreasonable, because I have sometimes had similar feelings to you. However, I do think it’s unreasonable to feel that way, as we are definitely in the Mum-club!

I've only got one child and she's a relatively easy one. Do you think I'm less of a mother? (I don't!)

A mother is a mother.

The number of children isn't what makes it harder/easier. It's health issues/how much help you have/what your job is like/ additional needs etc.
A good parent of one is working far harder than someone who has 6 who doesn't look after them well/lets them be online all the time/has others doing all their home chores and basically does nothing-yes this applies to some people.

How strange, my sister has one and I have 4, I’ve never considered her “less of a mother” in fact it’s funny people say to them one is easy so they aren’t really a mother I often get told one is harder than 4 lol so there you go