AIBU to feel less of a mother for having one child only?

[Sweetdreamsbeautifulnightmare]

Not sure if this is a common feeling but I only have one son. I’m 39 and we don’t want anymore. He’s 8 nearly and I always assumed I’d have more but I struggled a lot with him in the early days! He’s a lovely intelligent well liked boy but never slept well and still doesn’t! This totally put me off more for my sanity!

However, my DH and I are definitely in the minority. In his class only one other friend is a single, the rest have at least one or two siblings! Plus the one who is the single has parents who are older who struggled to conceive.

I feel less of a mother for only having one child! I don’t worry he’s lonely as he has lots of friends and cousins and tbh I see how others struggle with two and don’t regret our decision but I do feel like I’m not a mother the same as they are! Does this resonate with anyone?!

Of course you’re a mother the same as everyone else! You worth isn’t counted on the number of a children you have. I have no children and I don’t feel my worth is less than anyone else because of that! You and DH seem to have made a very sensible decision to not have more which in turn gives you more time to dedicate to your DS

Mother is a binary thing I suppose; you either are one or you’re not. And you are!

You are 100% a mother, @Sweetdreamsbeautifulnightmare!

I’m an only child. My mum was in absolutely no way “less of a mother”.

Hmm I would not have thought that being a mother equated to the number of children a Woman has. I knew a Woman who was defiantly a mother, and had not given birth once.

You child doesn’t see you as less of a mother as he doesn’t have siblings, and his opinion on your mothering is all that should count :)

You should be proud that you are burdening the planet and the community with on less child to be paid for my my taxes.

I could have written something similar!
I’m 41 and DD is 8. One is more than enough for me! I do know what you mean and i sometimes feel the same, I often compare myself to other women i know at school , DDs friends mums, who have 2,3 or more children.

But some people are meant to have 1 child, some more, and some none! It doesn’t come easily to me and i think im a better mum for having 1. I’m also a better sister, daughter, friend and colleague as i’m not spread too thin and have time for ‘me’. Having 1 child is the best kept secret!

100% a mother but no 2 families/mothers/children/environment are alike, therefore no point in comparison.

1 child is incredibly sensible!

Oh damn I clicked the wrong way. Yabu. Absolutely ridiculous to say that op.

Of course you're still a mum!
One of my friends has 5 children, I don't think she's more of a mum than I am. Different families look different,that's all. We are still all families

No, i strongly reject that notion, just as I reacted badly before I had DS2 and SIL made a throwaway comment about me not knowing what being a parent was really like until I had two.

I am a mother of two and can confirm you are 100% no less of a mother than I am, just like I’m no less of a mother than a mother of three! There are so many positives, I bet your son has so much of your time and attention and feels like he is loved more than anything in the whole world! I adore having two but the guilt niggles at me constantly about splitting my time, my second can’t do a lot of the things my first could do at the same age and I always feel like it’s because I haven’t spent enough time with her which really eats me up inside a lot of the time

What an absolutely obnoxious thing to say, I can’t imagine even thinking this let alone saying it!

IIRC this is your second post about this. There was more detail in the first. I think this is an intrusive and unhealthy almost obsession and you could do with talking to a professional about it.

It's the thoughts, not your situation, that is the issue.

Or course you're a mother, and your relationship with your son might even have a closeness that other parents who have to split their attention lack.

And if someone told you this, ignore them! People are weird. I've been told I'm not a real mother as I don't have a daughter

I sort of feel the same, bit more like there are maybe levels of motherhood and i'll only ever reach level 1. I would have loved to have more but my DD also didn't sleep well and at first I was too scared to have another and now I'm a bit too old. In other ways I am really glad I just have one.

😆😆😆

That's a strange way to look at it. I don't feel this way. I love my peaceful life and only child, and all I see around me is overwhelmed mothers. We have more money, resources, time, energy and she is lovely, bright and well rounded. I knew very early on I'd be completely overwhelmed with the mess, noise, fighting, costs etc of more than one.

Of course you are a mother. No family is the same. Enjoy your son and your freedom.

I wonder if you really are as happy with one as you say you are if you have done repeated threads on this.

You're certainly not less of a mother. You're a mum. You either are or you aren't. That doesn't mean your motherhood is the same as theirs. Just like parents of disabled kids are all parents of disabled kids but depending on the severity of their child's disability their parenthood is different. Some people's lives are more difficult, partly because of what's on their plate and partly because of their ability to carry that plate.

In all honesty, my immediate reaction is that it must be quite easy and nice to have just one 8 year old child, I have a 1 year old and 5yo and I'm pregnant. I imagine we are feeling very different things this summer holidays. But not necessarily, maybe you're finding it really tough too, we're both mums.

I might jokingly scoff if you said how tiring you're finding the school holidays like you might scoff if your husband says he's tired too when you've been. Up all night breastfeeding a colicky baby and he stayed up till midnight playing video games. But that's not because you're any less of a mother

I’ve struggled with these feelings but I can honestly say now I’m over it completely.
My son is 7.5. Technically he’s an only because my daughter was stillborn 2 years before he was born. So no siblings at home etc.
It does feel shitty and I would get these huge overwhelming feelings of guilt BUT he’s so happy as I imagine your boy is. He loves seeing his friends and they’re all welcome here, but he equally loves coming home to a quiet house and decompressing in peace with no one to speak to.
His best friends have siblings and they are loud and beat the shit out of each other most of the time, and he doesn’t like that at all. He loves our cats, his “cat brothers”.
Basically ive given myself permission not to feel guilty about ANYTHING like this because I have wasted years worrying about things I can’t control. Such a waste of my time.
We have a lovely family unit, we’re super close and he loves me and his dad. All kids need is to be loved. Siblings are great, but don’t always lead to long term good relationships.

I know what you mean OP. I’m a mum of one and I have actually had people indicate to me that I can’t “moan” about parenting/being tired/stressed out because it’s so much harder with 2 etc! Basically that I have it easy.

Being a mother looks different for everyone if someone's child/children passed away they're still a mum if someone adopts they are a mum if some has 1 child they are a mum. You don't have to meet a certain criteria to be a mum.