To wonder if my DIL is a gold digger?

[practicalorparanoid]

My son (28) got married recently. His father, who sadly passed away, and I had built a successful business, so there is significant family wealth involved.

As a wedding gift, I bought my son and DIL a lovely 3 bedroom flat in central London (they gave me a shortlist of 3, then we picked out altogether) so they’d never have to worry about housing, but I kept it in my name. My son also works in the family business, but he doesn’t own any shares in it. He earns a perfectly decent salary (around £50k), although the business could obviously afford to pay him much more if we wanted. The company ownership and the wider family assets are all structured so they stay within the bloodline and can’t be lost in the event of a divorce. Hopefully one day they’ll pass to his children.

I’ve genuinely tried to be a good MIL. I have only ever been complimentary to DIL, I don’t give unsolicited advice, and despite technically owning the flat they live in, I’d never dream of letting myself in or turning up unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their home.

My son was completely on board with all of this. He was happy to sign a prenup because he felt that if someone genuinely loved him, sensible financial protections shouldn’t be an issue.

The problem is that my DIL seems increasingly unhappy with the arrangements. She’s commented that the flat “isn’t really theirs”, questioned why my son doesn’t own shares in the company, and has said that if he had more access to the family money they could have had more domestic help (they already have a cleaner coming once a week), live a more relaxed lifestyle and she’d be able to stop working and become a SAHM once they have children.

That, to me, is where alarm bells start ringing. They’re living rent-free in a beautiful home that I bought for them, my son has a stable career, and they’re comfortable. Yet the focus seems to be on why they don’t have access to more.

I’m not accusing her of anything outright, but it’s hard not to wonder whether she’s more interested in the wealth than in my son when the main complaints are about not having access to assets that were never intended to be marital property in the first place.

I dont think she is a gold digger 😄

But I think shes being very clear about what she expects from her marriage - to be a sahm and wife.

Your son should be focused on earning more for him and his family, to move out and buy their own place, and renting yours out for the extra income

I dunno, keeping the flat in your name seems controlling - but it is your money so 🤷‍♀️

Again why is it up to the men to earn more why are women not expected too?

are we living in the dark ages?

She can expect whatever she wants, doesn’t mean she’s entitled to get it.

If she cannot afford to be a SAHM, then she isn’t in a position to unilaterally decide that’s what going to happen and someone else needs to pay for it. If that’s her mentality then she very much is a gold digger that OP’s son would be wise to jettison.

Lol, please use your head. She bought them a flat in London because that is where the family business, family money, and family control all happen to be. The idea that he could announce “Actually, we’re moving to Cleveland and I’m leaving the company,” and Mom would simply buy them another house there while keeping all the same support flowing is laughable.

This is not some beautifully flexible arrangement where they can build a life anywhere. It is a very expensive tether. The flat keeps him near the “family empire,” on the family payroll, and inside the system she controls. That is why it exists.

Saying, “She would have bought wherever they wanted,” is just swallowing OP’s own self-serving version of events whole. In reality, the generosity works because it keeps everyone exactly where she wants them.

I think she is right to be wary when you have such a financial hold over your son and he also works in a family business but holds no stake. £50k is not a high salary in London. Personally if I were him I would be looking for a better paid job and buying a property in their own names even if it is not in London. I certainly would not have his children with that set up.

@Orangeaperitif, she actually would be better off marrying Joe from Derby if they save up for a deposit and buy a house together and have joint assets in the longer term. At the moment she is married into a family which treats her as an outsider, describes a house they own and control as 'a gift' and openly admit if the marriage goes wrong, even if children are involved, they will do all they can to make sure she walks away with nothing. We only have OP's account and I would be amazed if there is not another version to this which shows this situation in a completely different light. The control and interference toward adult children and their spouses is not normal. DIL should just walk away, she cannot win. She is living rent free so should be saving up? Yep, but so should her DH and if he does not buy into this then what? Even up here in Leeds you will not save for a deposit or get a mortgage on a single salary overnight and unless buying a falling down back to back in the worst area, a one bed is at least £150 000.

I am in my 50s and have supported so many friends who are now divorcing who gave up their earning potential, pensions etc to be a SAHM or be a part time worker so their partner can have the career. All have walked away with half the assets from long marriages because the law recognises that this is right and fair. I want to shake younger colleagues who go half-time because 'child care is the same as their earnings', child care costs in a household where there are two parents should be split and no one should walk away worse off. It is not just about end of month earnings but pension contributions, career progression etc. Luckily pre-nups are not binding in the UK.

What happens to that property if you die?

£50k at 28 isn't terrible!

I’m with your DIL. I’d hate to live in a place that someone else owned instead of having the experience/joy/freedom of buying my first home and doing with it exactly as I pleased. Being able to benefit from doing work on it and loving it. She is essentially a guest in your property. You say they can rent it out, but why make such a tangle. IMO you should have given them a deposit, not this “gift” That you still own. I would be unhappy in her position. You seem obsessed with the bloodline. In her position, I’d divorce your son and get away from this horrible control you have over her fake home.

I think some people think 'equality' is different to what it is

This woman wants to be a sahm and wife. Shes been very clear. Her husband isnt strong enough to stand up and sort this. He married her despite knowing who she is - i would be wondering what he is saying to her behind closed doors

Nb its not wrong to want this set up. Some women want to be a mum who is there round the clock. Its as acceptable as being a career woman. This does not make a woman a gold digger - which is just a term chucked around to oppress women who want this life anyway

No - but its up to this man to earn more

If a man wants a woman who is happy to make more than him whilst also having his kids, he should find that woman

You're wrongly equating your reason for disliking DIL's set up with DIL's actual issues.

You wouldn't be happy because you want no handouts and value your independence (I'm probably with you there although if push came to shove would I really say no to free central London rent...? Who knows)

DIL isn't happy because she thinks she/they should get more handouts.

Again why is it up to the men to earn more

Well, a stay at home mum and the man free to work on the money earning is the dynamic that created the wealth in the first place.

Lol. Half of this thread is just people admitting that they think OP's narc mother ploy does indeed entitle her to own DS and DIL.

Yes, I'm sure living in a house where your judgemental MIL can kick you out at any moment and your partner never expresses a single dissenting opinion sounds like a lovely life. Especially when you can't have thoughts about the situation without it being fed back to said MIL and twisted into evidence that you're a sneaky prole.

Some women want to be a mum who is there round the clock. Its as acceptable as being a career woman. This does not make a woman a gold digger

Indeed.

It is also fair to note that the OP was a stay at home mom.

That depends on the prenup. She should agree to it, get independent legal advice and make sure that it protects her position as much as his. What’s fair now will not be fair after 15 years of marriage.

I have been in DIL position apart from...I didn't marry him and walked away to live in a cheap part of the country where I now own MY house mortgage free. I would not have any assets whatsoever if I did stay.
My Ex was also very content living on family business handouts (though nearly 4 x more generous than the salary mentioned here) and was perfectly adept at burning through it all every month, plus putting things on credit cards.
I have only about 10% of his income but many times over his savings, as he had none.

I may have sounded just like OPs DIL at times, particularly if anyone let out a glib "at least you always have home here". Errrmmm, no, I have a home conditional of my relationship status and partner's mood or whatever.

As one poster wonderfully put it : comfort is not the same as security. I miss some of the comforts of luxe lifestyle but basic&mine is miles better.

Please take this on board OP.

your level of control and the “gift” you think you’ve given could cost your ds his marriage.

you haven’t gifted your dil (or indeed your ds) anything at all. They arent homeowners. You are making a poor comparison when you compare this set up to them privately renting, and thinking this is better. What you should be doing is comparing your setup to the situation where you could have gifted them a deposit (or the whole lot) and they could love their first home together and care for it. The way you’ve set it up has restricted your dil’s life choices. It’s normal to want to own your home, with or without a mortgage. You’re robbing this from her. You should have given a deposit.

They have no mortgage or rent, he earns 50k, she earns?? They should be able to save and then they can buy their own property later on.

No I think that op should have given a large deposit. With no strings
so ds and DIL could own their home.
I definitely think a handout is right and necessary to get them on thr ladder. But they aren’t. Op just owns yet another property and dil feels she doesn’t own or have agency over her “home” and she’s right.

Then they can do what their peers do - save for a deposit and get a mortgage
Then they'll have an asset.
They can do that easier because they're living rent free.
They're bringing in over 80k with a huge saving on rent / mortgage, why can they save?

I do think dil needs sound financial advice. If they split up in 10 years with a cpupel of kids, she's literally got nowhere to go, will get very little in the divorce and DH can drop his salary down to pay minimum maintenance or argue for full custody because he has a home and she doesn't

@FriendlyMedusa , well exactly, lots of not questioning the OP, despite many hints in her posts how bloody controlling and shit life is for anyone who happens to marry in. Totally fine to keep your 'family money' within the family and control your immediate offspring. Dressing up buying houses and letting your children live there rent free as 'a gift' is disingenuous. Then treating anyone who (weirdly) in these circumstances woth such disregard and suspicion is basically unhealthy.

Just to make it clear, a gift is given freely without stings attached. Whilst many of us cannot equal (the apparent) wealth of OP who can just buy properties in Central London in her name (and all the tax implications etc). Let's not pretend this is about money. It is about control. My DC got control of a trust fund which in the scheme of this post is tiny, £10,000. I have been a lone parent since she was 8, as in DH dropped down dead in front of us one happy Sunday, so overnight change to single income and pensions and life assurances found a way not to pay out. So this trust fund is a result of squirreling away bits of money every month. Whilst I also paid off the mortgage and paid for child care on a very average wage (public sector so very suppressed wages). DC has blown it having the best time at uni which is totally fine. I had the best time at uni because we got grants and then cheaper/smaller loans. DC also works 20 hours a week, and has to pay £1000 a month for a room in a shared house (not London, Northern city). They do not know it, but I am paying into an ISA for when they are 25 which I hope will help them get onto the housing ladder. But if they want to use it to travel etc then that is their choice, it is a bloody gift.

These days, the majority of deposits are helped along by the bank of mum and dad, substantially. Living in London on their salaries, they’ll need to save for a long long long time for a deposit. Op should have just given it.

There's no question you've been very generous here and given them a great start in life.

It does sound like you are really, really wealthy whereas your DS and his wife are just living a normal salary earner's life with the added bonus of free housing - something lots of other people achieve by staying in the parental home or choosing work that comes with accommodation.

If I was in your shoes - actually rich - I would want my children to feel rich too. What's the point of hoarding all this money for future generations that don't exist yet, instead of really getting to enjoy it?

I would provide for my children now and trust them to do the same for their own children.

Just to add. If this was my daughter, I would have loads of concerns. All very well to call DIL a gold digger but where the hell is the husband/son in this? Even his own mother has written him off as not being the most ambitious/motivated. If this post was reversed then the advice would be to run for the hills. I work in a professional sector which is predominantly female and the amount of shite male workers get away with because unfortunately the whole mother's and their sons narrative continues into 2026.....