AIBU to be annoyed by my friends constant bragging?

[dramaticallysurvinglife]

I have a good friend and she has 4 children. And my friend acts like the stereotypical "perfect mum". As in, she could have an instagram account, show her parenting, and everybody would think she is a perfect parents.

Her kids all love reading (Even her 3 year old, who can actually read), she cooks every meal from scratch and has never given them a beige dinner, every snack in her house is home made. No ultra-processed packaged food ever. Her kids do not have ipads and only watch TV a few times a week. Her kids are all well behaved. They very academic. All her kids have age appropriate chores.

But she brags, constantly, like every time I see her she is bragging about how her kids love reading, how they eat anything on their plate, how they've never had a takeaway, that they don't have ipads. Basically just bragging ever single opportunity she gets. And it's starting to annoy me.

My kids are 8 and 5, I cook from scratch a lot but sometimes a quick beige dinner is necessary when I'm too tired. A lot of the snacks we buy are pre-packaged. My kids have an ipad and they use it sometimes. They can read but they aren't advanced readers and reading isn't their hobby. I don't give my kids specifc chores, sometimes I just ask them to help me with a chore and they do.

My friend knows my parenting style and yet she constantly is bragging about her parenting to my face. Like yes we get it. You're the perfect parent.

Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed by her bragging?

I had a friend who was like this… private schooled, kids only ever drank water, went in an on about it. Until they hit their teens. They now have one drop out 20 something stoner who never leaves his room and is over weight. one teenage pregnancy and the third is a complete oddball.

my mum had another friend like this, people actively avoided her because of her bragging. One child did make it to Oxford, one sadly died though and the other has mental health issues.

honestly, these perfect parents are trying their best to mitigate against circumstances often beyond their control. It’s her way of protecting her kids and although annoying to you, it’s important to her. No one can live a perfect life. She is putting so much stress on herself now and her kids may well grow up to hate her.

The friend does sound performative (or just proud of her kids) but why does it look terrible for children to be academic or to enjoy reading?

I don't have any kids. I do have friends whose lifestyles / finances / choices are quite different to mine, though, and when they talk about their lives I really don't see it as bragging

Talking about your life isn’t bragging though.

Is she definitely intentionally bragging or is it that parenting consumes her life so she doesn't really have anything else to talk about?

Oh gosh she sounds tiresome! I cook from scratch most days but we do have processed food once a week so I can rest! I work and cook the dinners! Nothing wrong with having it occasionally.

I have a friend who is a little similar with all the bragging. She's not quite the same in all aspects, as he def doesn't feed her kids home made healthy stuff all day and they absolutely have too much screen time, but her kids are the absolute best at everything. Over achievers (the oldest is 4) who have never been "behind" on any aspect and always excelling!

However, although I've only known this friend since we had our oldest kids, I have long since felt she is living and achieving vicariously through her kids. I think she is deeply insecure in herself and needs to portray her kids as nothing less than perfect. I do find the bragging and the endless social media posts about how perfect everything is tiresome, so I've distanced myself quite a lot.

She sounds like a communal narcissist who gets supply from how others perceive her. She's latched onto the idea of "perfect parenting" and has arranged her life around achieving this goal for others to praise and admire.

There is absolutely zero chance that she's achieving all of this through gentle parenting. It's the sort of totalitarian parenting popular with very religious families where kids get disciplined or brainwashed into behaving a certain way. It's either through constant reinforcement of superiority (we have to do this because we're better than all other families), which leaves the children socially insufferable to be around and they will get ostracised by peers at some point. Or it's just crazy abuse behind the scenes that your friend will obviously not tell anyone. Children can learn to behave very quickly if they get severely punished once so it's not that hard to enforce all these parenting rules and gloss over how it was actually achieved.

Similar to what a PP posted, I had a school friend who grew up in a similar way. Zero TV, always home cooked meals, zero junk food, chores at home etc. As kids they were perfectly obedient, good at school, active in sports and drama, and the family looked great from the outside. Then things fell apart once they hit their teens. Eldest is now totally NC with the mum. The youngest developed a serious binge eating disorder, specifically junk food which was forbidden in her childhood. Middle child moved to a different country.

I used to hang out with a person like this, it was like she was playing top trumps with me. Exhausting, I phased her out. Don't know why it took me so long. Initially I felt compelled to respond with similar, it just egged her on.

I also have a few friends who I would say have extremely faux humbleness/ underplay their DCs to a ridiculous degree. Think “oh my kids are so feral, complete thugs, can’t take them anywhere”. Then they turn up at an event in full head to toe boden, impeccable manners and behave perfectly. Or “Oh well Bertie isn’t really the academic type, no idea where he’ll end up.” Then Bertie wins 4 prizes at the school prize giving and gets a scholarship next year! Plus behind the scenes there’s quite a bit of tiger parenting going on. I’m not sure that is better TBH, it’s just more middle class!

I strongly suspect that behind the scenes your friend is screaming inwardly that she’s made her (organic quinoa) bed and has to stick with it, or she does basically the same as all of us- cooking from scratch some days, pasta pesto others, and an occasional oven food/ Maddy Ds.

She sounds tiring, I hate people that make parenthood their whole personality. In my experience people like this are usually hiding insecurities.

I think you sound sensitive and are comparing yourself to her? Don't! Everyone is different and you are just fine. If she's a good friend, start taking the mick if she brags and hopefully she will get the hint.
If she's not that much of a good friend and not bothered about keeping in touch, let her go. Just stop hanging around with her.

I would start crying one day and say she is making you feel really inadequate and could she please be more understanding.

So not true. Due to various factors, jobs, home area and current area, plus friends and family, I’m surrounded by academics who make bragging about their kids’ accomplishments their life’s work after bragging about their own academic achievements.
It’s pretty much par for the course when your whole life is about academia, brought up in it , stayed in it, work in it etc.
So tricky for me as a parent of kids with extra needs, my kids are old enough to be very conscious of it now and thus very self conscious and negatively judge themselves. I carefully distance myself where I can whilst showing my kids how much they are achieving in a world which is skewed towards the non disabled average population.

No, it isn't bragging. That's my whole point! The point is that it's not bragging but sometimes people interpret it as bragging, particularly if they have some subconscious insecurities.

Not sure what a beige dinner is?

It sounds like you don’t much like your friend, so why continue the friendship?

Honestly, it sounds like her bragging is irritating. Good for her with the reading and food etc., she sounds like a fantastic parent. But bragging about anything is just so dull. In our mum group literally nobody would know who's made what for tea or whose child is the more advanced reader because we wouldn't think to boast about it.

It sounds like her approach has shone a bit of a light though on how you feel about your own parenting, if you were genuinely happy with how you do things I don't think you'd feel as threatened. I sense a bit more than just 'it's annoying and boring when she brags' here. More that you feel you have to justify why you don't meet the standards you perceive to be higher than yours.

It's okay not to do things perfectly as a parent constantly. But I think this friendship has really run its course a long while ago.

What ages are her children? Does she have a job ? I worked very part time around my dcs when mine were small so I was pretty much a sahm . I actually found it quite easy , I love cooking and baking , my dcs ate everything (pure luck) and it was easy to “make” them do things .
I’m now in preteen , teen phase ……and omg
it’s just so so so different and very different challenges and I also work a lot more, anything under 11 years old was easy for me and I have 3 kids .
Re. Reading , we read to the kids from babies and I brought them to libraries every week from when they were small, one of my dc has severe dyslexia (hates reading as it’s so so difficult for him but still likes being read to), I actually wish people thought more about challenges likes dyslexia when making sweeping statements about kids not reading and putting blame where there is none.
All of my dcs are seriously athletic but it’s nothing we did at all, just natural to them.
It’s so easy though when dcs are smaller to manage them and make them do stuff like reading and no screens etc . Good luck with older kids especially when you have to work amd I am actually still strict on screens but with a 15 year old who has loads of independent time -parents are lying if they say they aren’t on phones a lot or deluded.
A lot of small kid stuff is easy (bar an sn) and even more so if you don’t have to balance work .

Or what about “I know!” Said in a Sybil Faulty voice…

About 50 seconds in…

Agree that there's a difference between actual bragging and talking about something in a neutral way that is triggering to the recipient.

If she's actually bragging, as in doing it to make herself feel better or make you feel worse, then I would just avoid her.

If she is just stating things about her life which are upsetting you because you don't think the comparison flatters you and your kids, then that's a you problem.

Sounds obvious but a surprising number of people can't tell the difference. Be really honest with yourself. Is she actually setting out to hurt you or are you just hurting yourself?

I feel that there is a way of saying things sometimes.
That’s what I find hard with texts and emails , people can read them the wrong way. Something you can’t do face to face as then you go by the persons tone of voice and mannerisms as to how it can come across to you.
If she is the really annoying bragging type , I’d definitely think about not seeing her as much!

Lol

My parents were like that. Wholesome home made meals which they told us we all loved and were so lucky to have parents who cared so much for us that they watched what we ate.

Guess what... I eat terribly now and I do put it down to never having treats. I can't resist it when it's there.

Ignore the boasting. Wait until the children can get their own food. I remember discovering the dreadful food of... pizza. Bliss.

Just bin her off- she sounds tedious.

@dramaticallysurvinglife I would just quickly say (when she talks about their eating habits) "Oh, I know and they don't use screens, are academic, well-behaved and love reading- your kids are perfect and you're a perfect mum" she will get that she's repeating herself and that it's tedious

Do you see this?? Or does she just tell you this?? 🤔 have you seen this with your own eyes? Every day?
Otherwise shes bullshtting and not everything is perfect.
We can all have the perfect life.

My 13 yr old is currently in his room reading his books from the library ready for year 9 in sept.

My 18yr old is currently getting ready to go to Uni in sept to study medicine.

My 19 yr old is at uni studying medicine.

Hubby is at work 😫 9-5 and Ive hinched the house and tea is all ready prepared and ready to cook once hes home.

See....
In reality
My 13 yr old hasn't been in school since sept 30th last year and is going into a new school 1 day a week from 3rd week of sept and held back a year.
18yr old just got out his pit an hour ago had a shower and now on his way to work in a pub for 4 hours.
19yr old is at work till 3.30 at his bar manager job that he gets paid for and is hardly there.
Hubby??? Divorced him last year after separated 10 years cos he was/is a lazy barstool and not had a job in 8 years!

We can all have a perfect life...if we want.

Is she the perfect parent, though? She sounds happy when everything is firmly under her control: food, school, activities etc. It’s perfectionism and she’s probably incredibly hard on herself because she views anything less than full compliance as some sort of disaster / failure / reflection on her as a mother. What if her children fail a test one day? Eat junk at school? Refuse to do something? Will she be devastated and wonder how she allowed this terrible thing to happen? Will she be able to accept she can’t control her children’s lives to be perfect forever? Sure, this all looks glossy from the outside but the constant boasting tells you that she seeks nods and approval from others. I’d bet on her having at least one parent that she craved approval from as a child.