To find this coparenting impossible & don’t know how to carry on doing it

[cadburyegg]

Separated 5 years divorced for 2. Kids age 8 and 11
I feel so let down. No child maintenance as exh doesn’t earn enough. These days he works a few hours a week term time only. I don’t know how he survives. Has kids EOW and Monday nights. A bit more in holidays. His choice.

I’ve saved since Christmas to buy ds1 his uniform for secondary. no contribution from ex. then after last weekend the kids come home with £50 spending money from their grandparents (exh’s parents) and ds1 comes home with a series 7 Apple Watch. Apparently it was exh’s old one. My own series 3 Apple Watch is 6 years old

Exh having kids weeks 5&6 of holidays. Despite not working the other 4 weeks.
This week coming the kids are in holiday club which I have spent £500 on. Up early tomorrow to get kids to holiday club for 8.15am then straight on to work. Rinse and repeat all week. Kids are starting to see writing on the wall. Ds2 keeps asking “why do we have to go to holiday club? Daddy isn’t working”. I just say daddy is busy and this is what we have arranged.

I cried so much today I’m so tired.
Just feel so hopeless. it is never ending and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this man for another 10 years???
please don’t turn this thread into how I need to go back to the CMS etc etc. I have exhausted that avenue. also yes I know that exh has kids more than many dads. The point I am making is that I am so fed up and tired of the unequal sharing of the load.

Your situation sounds similar to mine, it is utterly draining isn’t it. You have my sympathy. Mine makes a point of only working 20hrs so he pays a reduced CMS rate, and spends as little on them as possible the three days a month he has them (think super noodles and hotdog on rotation). The best weather of the summer they were with him and he did nothing with them. But he loves putting photos on social media of him and them to ‘prove’ he’s a good Dad and I’m a nasty Mum. Sigh.

I’ve just spent a fortune on their new school uniform and a summer holiday for them, I have no family to support them or me, spend my life worrying about their health, happiness, diet, friendships etc and I know he just doesn’t care about them enough to ever worry about anything. Feel so heartsick for them.

Do you use a parenting app? They can be useful, I’ve seen them recommended a fair bit. You’re not alone, I think there’s actually a fair few of us in the same boat!!

There is more to this story? What is it you would ideally want from your exh?

What his family like ? Would his mother step up I know she shouldn’t have to obviously but would she help you with a bit of the load?
My ex-husband was exactly like this. He was more than happy to just literally be in every other weekend father and leave everything to me and in the end I forced him to take them full-time.
I was absolute breaking point so he got to be the white night and come and rescue the children but actually I allowed it if that makes sense and then I rebuilt everything and I’ve picked it up since the kids have become adults

Ugh thank you for getting it but sorry you have to deal with a similar situation.

I have not explored the parenting apps because I just am not convinced exh would use one. He won’t even pay attention to the shared calendar unless it suits him. Do you have an app?

God there’s always one isn’t there, what more do you want to know?

What I would ideally want is for him to pull his weight financially and practically.

No his parents wouldn’t step up. They are as low effort as he is although tbf his dad is unwell now. Last time I saw them my ex mil said to me (in front of the kids) that she told exh not to bring the kids round every fortnight anymore because it’s too far (45 mins) and too much work for them.

I don’t know how I would force my exh to have them full time tbh. I’d have to be in hospital and even then he’d palm them off to my 82 yo mum.

That’s definitely not gonna work then mine basically drove my children to a mental health crisis
She wouldn’t come home with me so he was forced to pick her up otherwise she was going into care. That’s how it came to our head with ours It was horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

You need to be honest with your children. There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know, you will have to ask your Dad", when the children ask why they have to go to Holuday Club. Don't try to protect his reputation.

Do you have friends who are also mums or single mums to kids roughly similar in age? If so (seek them out of not) see if you can do some trading off of time. Four kids running round isn't so much worse than two but can buy you some corresponding time off when you do it in reverse.

I'm not suggesting a solution involving their dad because there's probably isn't one. Unfair I know. You're stuck waiting for karma to bite. Not far off your eldest not needing full holiday childcare though. It will get better.

Agree with @Pearlstillsinging there’s nothing wrong with saying I don’t know, ask dad. It makes zero sense to be paying for childcare if he’s off.

Every sympathy OP, this sounds awful.
Is there a reason why the kids couldn’t go to their dad if he’s not working, and you could save the £500 holiday club fees? It sounds like a good solution on the face of it, especially if they’d rather go there.

Ah sorry, do you mean he refuses to have them? That is hard.

It will get easier as they get older and don’t need so much holiday care…

Total sympathy. When my older two were small my ex lived next door, didn’t work, and I still had to pay childcare! It was awful looking back. But I will tell you that those children are adults now and they take a very dim view of their father and his lack of effort, without me ever saying a bad word. Just tell your kids that dad will have to explain why they aren’t with him. I’m sorry you’re so tired, I promise it doesn’t last forever. In a few years time they will be old enough to stay home while you work.

I'd be telling them df is too lazy to look after them.

@cadburyegg
you sound like you are doing an amazing job under really difficult circumstances.

Speak to the schools tho they can help support with uniforms etc.. it can feel isolating but reach out to people and hopefully you won’t feel as alone -
hang in there your kids know you’re amazing ❤️

It's shit isn't it

My child's ex has never offered to have her in the holidays not once
Yet he must have holidays from work!
So I take time off or use holiday club

But he'll say he's got a chronic illness I bet (although before that was diagnosed he never had her in holiday either)

I feel really resentful sometimes because he never does any of the hard work with her. I always get the bad bits of her and he gets the good bits. It's so easy for him to be there for her when he doesn't have to deal with any of the explosions and shitty behaviour and attitude. And he can pick up the credit because she puts him a bit on a pedestal because she doesn't see him every day and people always want what they can't have etc.

He never says yes if she asks if he can have her on a day that wasn't scheduled so she stopped asking. (12 so ok age to ask really).

Well you get more than a lot of single parents, I’d love 2 weeks to myself in the holidays!

Foxtrot Oscar

I've been in a similar situation for 11 years. It's exhausting! Recently he's decided to actually take an interest in them (no child support payments though) and they are lapping up the attention from him! It's affected me emotionally to think that after all the years of support and care, he can step in at the last minute and pretend he's always been like this to them. He is still just as horrible to me and they notice that .

Anyway, I know my effort isn't wasted and the kids are happy and healthy from growing up with me. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I have no answers. It gets easier when they get older x

Wishing you well. You must be exhausted.

Flag to your ex that you can not afford holiday club and so he will need to plan 50% of school holidays from now on.

Just state it, give him all the dates and tell him that he has first choice of Holiday weeks.
Ask him to lock his dates in before xxx so that you can work out your program around them.
See what happens.

My ds is 18 next week but in those years my ex has had ds two weeks a year, plus 6 hours most Sundays.
He's never got up in the night, done a school run, a parents evening, bought a pair of shoes. Never cooked him a meal or helped with homework. He morphed into 1950s man when ds was 3 days old.

Dads can't be forced to parent. I found, accepting that helped with my anger. Ex became irrelevant, a sort of tiresome local con-artist who was best ignored. Whose opinions count for nothing. Once you assume he will never provide anything, you get your head round it and move on.

I suspect your ex will either gradually lose interest and see your dcs less and less or he will find a new woman and then want to be father of the year.

But Yanbu, it's completely unfair. This govt should start removing the passports of parents who refuse to help support their children .

Was he different when you chose to have two kids with him?
what’s his reason for not wanting to have the kids during their holidays even though he is not working?

my kids are now adults but had DH and I divorced, he would have fought for his time with the kids - not to spite me but be a he absolutely adores the kids and don’t want to miss any time with them

i get it. trying to co parent with a dick is harder than them not being around. energy and brain space going into dealing with someone who doesn’t prioritise the children is exhausting. my children’s father never had them school holidays when they were little enough to need holiday clubs as he wanted to drain my resources. now they don’t need holiday clubs he wants them half the time. it also helps that he has another woman to sub contract looking after them with (his ex wife - but that’s a different tale). he pays zero maintenance as he claims he doesn’t work. now the kids are older they don’t want to be with each other all the time, they bicker as teens do and have separate interests. this holiday i’ve split it in 3, two with me while i’m on annual leave and we have holidays planned, 2 with him where they will do very little and nothing that costs much and 2 at home while I WFH where they can come and go as they please and do things they enjoy. it doesn’t help that he chose to move 7 hours away so they spend 2 out of any 7 days in the car.
i get no help towards uniforms, school trips, birthday parties, hobbies/activities or one child’s private medical care (waiting list was 4 yes so private was needed to help with him manage his chronic health condition and improve his quality of life).
there sounds like there is little you can do to change his behaviour. they are exes for a reason. keep your boundaries strong, don’t cover for his ineptitude but don’t actively call him either. a simple ‘i don’t know’ when they ask why they can’t have them is sufficient.
they see who did the work, who provided for them, who was the one that was there when they were unwell or worried. they work it out even if they love and feel loyal to the other parent.
i call out shitty behaviour away from the children, put boundaries in place but accept he is a useless father and will never change. i’m raising my children to be better and not emulate their father. that in itself is a gift to them and society. i feel sorry for him because he’s in his 50’s with no home of his own, no
legitimate job, no pension pot, is never going to be ‘discovered’ as the great artist he believes himself to be. all round he’s pathetic and has lived a wasted life off the hard work and money of every woman he’s ever met. the less influence these types of fathers have on their children’s impressionable minds, the better.

Well I’d stop making excuses for him when he absolutely isn’t busy, he’s lazy and shirking responsibility. Agree with PP, you should tell them to ask him. Some men are utter pricks.

It is really tough when they are young but it will get easier as they get older and more independent. Long term you will have two people in your life who will love and respect you for being the parent who was there for them.

Why are you telling the children “daddy is busy”

I do t know, this is what I’ve arranged as I need to work

that’s the truth