Page 2 | To find this coparenting impossible & don’t know how to carry on doing it

cadburyegg · 2026-07-26T20:34:34+00:00

Separated 5 years divorced for 2. Kids age 8 and 11 I feel so let down. No child maintenance as exh doesn’t earn enough. These days he works a few hours a week term time only. I don’t know how he survives. Has kids EOW and Monday nights. A bit more in holidays. His choice. I’ve saved since Christmas to buy ds1 his uniform for secondary. no contribution from ex. then after last weekend the kids come home with £50 spending money from their grandparents (exh’s parents) and ds1 comes home with a series 7 Apple Watch. Apparently it was exh’s old one. My own series 3 Apple Watch is 6 years old Exh having kids weeks 5&6 of holidays. Despite not working the other 4 weeks. This week coming the kids are in holiday club which I have spent £500 on. Up early tomorrow to get kids to holiday club for 8.15am then straight on to work. Rinse and repeat all week. Kids are starting to see writing on the wall. Ds2 keeps asking “why do we have to go to holiday club? Daddy isn’t working”. I just say daddy is busy and this is what we have arranged. I cried so much today I’m so tired. Just feel so hopeless. it is never ending and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this man for another 10 years??? please don’t turn this thread into how I need to go back to the CMS etc etc. I have exhausted that avenue. also yes I know that exh has kids more than many dads. The point I am making is that I am so fed up and tired of the unequal sharing of the load.

usererror99 · 27/07/2026 06:58

And yet the media is full of articles about the poor men driven to suicide by the CMS system! It’s laughable isn’t it! Where are the media stories about the far far more shit fathers who game the system to pay very little or nothing at all. You don’t find us mothers threatening suicide - no because we just have to crack on and raise our chicken the best way we can

anyway personally at the kids age I’d be telling them the truth. Your dad barely pays anything and doesn’t work and he’s made a few life choices about how much he then spends on you in terms of time and money. I wouldn’t be protecting the arsehole and lying for him to my children

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2026 07:20

SnowySnowy · 26/07/2026 23:25

Well you get more than a lot of single parents, I’d love 2 weeks to myself in the holidays!

So your ex is worse than OP's ex? Well done! You have it worse. Do you feel better for saying that? OP's situation is still shit and her ex is still a lazy child maintenance-dodging dickhead.

SnowySnowy · 27/07/2026 10:54

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2026 07:20

So your ex is worse than OP's ex? Well done! You have it worse. Do you feel better for saying that? OP's situation is still shit and her ex is still a lazy child maintenance-dodging dickhead.

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Well sometimes it helps to put things into perspective

Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 14:44

Minasama · 26/07/2026 22:44

Every sympathy OP, this sounds awful.
Is there a reason why the kids couldn’t go to their dad if he’s not working, and you could save the £500 holiday club fees? It sounds like a good solution on the face of it, especially if they’d rather go there.

Ah sorry, do you mean he refuses to have them? That is hard.

It will get easier as they get older and don’t need so much holiday care…

Edited

He will pick and choose when to have them. I used to bend over backwards and offer so much flexibility but he took the piss to be honest. But I still usually give him first dibs on holidays.

He just says
“I’m free on xxx”
”I’m not available” etc

Here’s a screenshot from a message convo 2 years ago. This is when he was throwing small amounts of money now and again hence the mention of money.
As you can see he thinks it’s fine for them to go to holiday club when he isnt working because he has them now and again.
I used to push it more but it was pointless

To find this coparenting impossible & don’t know how to carry on doing it

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DahliaDelights · 27/07/2026 15:19

Stop covering for him for a start.

Why are you lying to your kids that "daddy is busy" - he's not. Stop covering for him.

Be factual; you have to go to HC, i have to go to work and daddy hasn't offered to look after you.

Stop covering for him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2026 15:24

SnowySnowy · 26/07/2026 23:25

Well you get more than a lot of single parents, I’d love 2 weeks to myself in the holidays!

I always wonder why these posts.

Because the effect is to let shit men off the hook. Oh my ex is so utterly useless that your mostly useless ex is better. Yes, the plague is worse than norovirus but I think we can acknowledge that they're both shit.

Why are there such low standards around men and women are trying to make other women accept crumbs of lives.

Jk987 · 27/07/2026 15:29

boohoo26 · 26/07/2026 21:49

What his family like ? Would his mother step up I know she shouldn’t have to obviously but would she help you with a bit of the load?
My ex-husband was exactly like this. He was more than happy to just literally be in every other weekend father and leave everything to me and in the end I forced him to take them full-time.
I was absolute breaking point so he got to be the white night and come and rescue the children but actually I allowed it if that makes sense and then I rebuilt everything and I’ve picked it up since the kids have become adults

Edited

And his father? This is where the problem lies. Men don’t step up and women expecting other women to!

SunshineOnARainyLeith · 27/07/2026 16:56

user1492757084 · 27/07/2026 05:36

Wishing you well. You must be exhausted.

Flag to your ex that you can not afford holiday club and so he will need to plan 50% of school holidays from now on.

Just state it, give him all the dates and tell him that he has first choice of Holiday weeks.
Ask him to lock his dates in before xxx so that you can work out your program around them.
See what happens.

The problem is that you can't force the deadbeat dad to take the kids more.

Wolfpa · 27/07/2026 17:02

What would happen if you stopped giving him first dibs and started telling him when he was going to look after them?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 27/07/2026 17:44

Are you sure that's all he's working/ earning? May be worth asking CMS to take a closer look. Also agree stop telling the kids he's busy. Reapeat what he tells you. His loss

wouldyouwax · 27/07/2026 18:03

SnowySnowy · 27/07/2026 10:54

Well sometimes it helps to put things into perspective

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How does it help in this case? OP has quite clearly stated that she KNOWS other fathers do even less.

And I doubt she’d even be having two weeks to herself. She’ll be working because she doesn’t have holidays to spare for herself, instead using them all for schools holiday cover.

SnowySnowy · 27/07/2026 18:36

wouldyouwax · 27/07/2026 18:03

How does it help in this case? OP has quite clearly stated that she KNOWS other fathers do even less.

And I doubt she’d even be having two weeks to herself. She’ll be working because she doesn’t have holidays to spare for herself, instead using them all for schools holiday cover.

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Oh I didn’t realise you work
24/7…

Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 19:31

Meadowfinch · 27/07/2026 05:43

My ds is 18 next week but in those years my ex has had ds two weeks a year, plus 6 hours most Sundays.
He's never got up in the night, done a school run, a parents evening, bought a pair of shoes. Never cooked him a meal or helped with homework. He morphed into 1950s man when ds was 3 days old.

Dads can't be forced to parent. I found, accepting that helped with my anger. Ex became irrelevant, a sort of tiresome local con-artist who was best ignored. Whose opinions count for nothing. Once you assume he will never provide anything, you get your head round it and move on.

I suspect your ex will either gradually lose interest and see your dcs less and less or he will find a new woman and then want to be father of the year.

But Yanbu, it's completely unfair. This govt should start removing the passports of parents who refuse to help support their children .

that’s just it. I know I just need to accept it but I find it SO difficult.

Ds2 is still keen on seeing exh but ds1 really just goes because that’s the routine and because ds2 goes. Ds2 was ill last year and off school Mon/Tue and exh refused to have him at home/off school so he didn’t go, so ds1 refused to go too. It won’t be long before ds1 refuses to go altogether.

I am trying to frame it in my mind that exh is a free babysitter and nothing more.

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Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 19:34

Truetoself · 27/07/2026 05:51

Was he different when you chose to have two kids with him?
what’s his reason for not wanting to have the kids during their holidays even though he is not working?

my kids are now adults but had DH and I divorced, he would have fought for his time with the kids - not to spite me but be a he absolutely adores the kids and don’t want to miss any time with them

first question yes of course. I thought I had picked my choice of husband very carefully. He was caring and loving towards me and bent over backwards for his family. We had pets pre kids and he couldn’t do enough for them. But the kids were too much for him. He became jealous of them because they took my attention.

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Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 19:36

goldtrainers · 27/07/2026 06:03

i get it. trying to co parent with a dick is harder than them not being around. energy and brain space going into dealing with someone who doesn’t prioritise the children is exhausting. my children’s father never had them school holidays when they were little enough to need holiday clubs as he wanted to drain my resources. now they don’t need holiday clubs he wants them half the time. it also helps that he has another woman to sub contract looking after them with (his ex wife - but that’s a different tale). he pays zero maintenance as he claims he doesn’t work. now the kids are older they don’t want to be with each other all the time, they bicker as teens do and have separate interests. this holiday i’ve split it in 3, two with me while i’m on annual leave and we have holidays planned, 2 with him where they will do very little and nothing that costs much and 2 at home while I WFH where they can come and go as they please and do things they enjoy. it doesn’t help that he chose to move 7 hours away so they spend 2 out of any 7 days in the car.
i get no help towards uniforms, school trips, birthday parties, hobbies/activities or one child’s private medical care (waiting list was 4 yes so private was needed to help with him manage his chronic health condition and improve his quality of life).
there sounds like there is little you can do to change his behaviour. they are exes for a reason. keep your boundaries strong, don’t cover for his ineptitude but don’t actively call him either. a simple ‘i don’t know’ when they ask why they can’t have them is sufficient.
they see who did the work, who provided for them, who was the one that was there when they were unwell or worried. they work it out even if they love and feel loyal to the other parent.
i call out shitty behaviour away from the children, put boundaries in place but accept he is a useless father and will never change. i’m raising my children to be better and not emulate their father. that in itself is a gift to them and society. i feel sorry for him because he’s in his 50’s with no home of his own, no
legitimate job, no pension pot, is never going to be ‘discovered’ as the great artist he believes himself to be. all round he’s pathetic and has lived a wasted life off the hard work and money of every woman he’s ever met. the less influence these types of fathers have on their children’s impressionable minds, the better.

I feel this way too. May I ask please how you bring your children up not to emulate their dad’s behaviour? This is one of the things I am worried about.

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Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 19:38

SnowySnowy · 27/07/2026 18:36

Oh I didn’t realise you work
24/7…

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Your comments aren’t helpful though and I expect you know that.

This would be like posting on threads about cheating husbands and saying “but at least you have a partner!”

Sorry your ex is also shit but start your own thread rather than projecting onto mine.

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Original poster

cadburyegg · 27/07/2026 19:56

To answer questions about what would happen if I tried to force the issue here is a snippet from a conversation in 2024 discussing arrangements for Christmas. I asked him to have the kids on 2nd Jan (2025) and I wasn’t willing for him to have them from 20-27 Dec which is what he wanted. Some of it we talked about in person which is why it’s not all mentioned here. But his plans with his girlfriend were more important than looking after the kids so I could go to work. I know this goes back a bit but it’s probably the best example. This is obviously a specific example but this is his answer for everything he won’t do.

“I’m not around”

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FaceIt · 27/07/2026 20:01

mummydoolally · 26/07/2026 21:49

There is more to this story? What is it you would ideally want from your exh?

Wakey wakey 😂

goldtrainers · 29/07/2026 16:55

@cadburyegg apologies for the delay in replying. i just work really hard to be a good role model for my kids. i make sure they have positive males in their lives. when i was choosing a private therapist for my son i chose the male out of the two who came highly recommended and he has been amazing for him.
i don’t actively bad mouth their dad but i also don’t cover for his failings either. we eat together 90% of evenings and talk over dinner. we make a point most days of watching a programme or a film together and i might comment on some toxic behaviour and likewise some really respectful behaviour we see and we talk about it. i listen to what they experience in school and what they observe about the world around them. but the most important stuff is done quietly. i’m the one at every parents evening and event. i’m there for every achievement and when they need picking up and dusting down. they see me working to give them everything they have and they know their dad doesn’t work by choice and contributes zero to their upkeep. they also see me maximising opportunities for them to experience positive things in their lives to achieve their goals or to decide somethings not for them. they also know when he doesn’t come for them that it’s not down to me. they know that while they are lucky to be taken camping by him yet he sends them photos of him and his ex wife holidaying all over the world without them. i know they are old enough to make the link of the disparity and how he chooses to prioritise his time and money (all illegally earned to avoid CMS).
i’m not perfect, i get frustrated and i struggle when they come back from contact grumpy and bad mannered and take it out on me. but overall i think the time they are in my care far out weighs the harm that is done when they are with him.
just stick in being the best you can, try and bite your tongue and make sure that the time with you is the most safe and stable it can be. they do know and they do understand even if they can’t articulate it.

Original poster

cadburyegg · 31/07/2026 16:41

goldtrainers · 29/07/2026 16:55

@cadburyegg apologies for the delay in replying. i just work really hard to be a good role model for my kids. i make sure they have positive males in their lives. when i was choosing a private therapist for my son i chose the male out of the two who came highly recommended and he has been amazing for him.
i don’t actively bad mouth their dad but i also don’t cover for his failings either. we eat together 90% of evenings and talk over dinner. we make a point most days of watching a programme or a film together and i might comment on some toxic behaviour and likewise some really respectful behaviour we see and we talk about it. i listen to what they experience in school and what they observe about the world around them. but the most important stuff is done quietly. i’m the one at every parents evening and event. i’m there for every achievement and when they need picking up and dusting down. they see me working to give them everything they have and they know their dad doesn’t work by choice and contributes zero to their upkeep. they also see me maximising opportunities for them to experience positive things in their lives to achieve their goals or to decide somethings not for them. they also know when he doesn’t come for them that it’s not down to me. they know that while they are lucky to be taken camping by him yet he sends them photos of him and his ex wife holidaying all over the world without them. i know they are old enough to make the link of the disparity and how he chooses to prioritise his time and money (all illegally earned to avoid CMS).
i’m not perfect, i get frustrated and i struggle when they come back from contact grumpy and bad mannered and take it out on me. but overall i think the time they are in my care far out weighs the harm that is done when they are with him.
just stick in being the best you can, try and bite your tongue and make sure that the time with you is the most safe and stable it can be. they do know and they do understand even if they can’t articulate it.

Thank you that is really helpful.

Exh is due to have the kids this weekend, from tomorrow morning until Tuesday morning. We are going on holiday on Wednesday for a week so after this weekend he won’t see them until the 15th, so I asked him if he wanted them all day Tuesday and I’d pick them up in the evening. He said “oh I’d love to have more time with them but I’m busy”. Such performative nonsense.

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