Friend thieves

[Inbetweenie993]

Is it just me? Experience... lots of friends/ acquaintance s
New person arrives. Seems to set about being fabulous friend to people I have introduced them to. This person remembers EVERYTHING! Anniversaries that pass me by... card - sympathy on anniversary of your cat dying - really! Said person is soon attentive, drives a wedge. I can't compete! I am just me - no way can I be the overtly thoughtful person that they are! Gradually friendships eroded. Person closer to my friends now. AIBU? Can you 'steal' friends by superficial gestures? Is it me????

Yabu not to take personal responsibility for your actions.

You can set reminders on a calendar app to remind you of important dates and events.

It’s called being “Wendied”

Its a thing.

Stop introducing your friends to each other.

I hate people that are nice.

Remembering things aren’t superficial gestures to a lot of people. How many times has this happened?

I get why this would feel sad, but can see when a new person shows up and very attentive, that would be attractive.

Be a better friend?

It’s probably not just cat anniversary cards. It’s probably that she listens and can figure out what matters to different people. I don’t care about cards and anniversaries but I have friends who do care so I make sure I do the things that matter to the people I care about.

Ha! I often joke that the real friend stealers are children

I know you probably have a lot on but you do sound like a neglectful friend, although you dont mean to.
At the beginning of the year I put friends birthdays and events in to my phone calendar with a couple of days reminder to give me space to get a card.

If a friend has an interview or something important I'll also do a calender reminder with a note eg ask Liz how hospital went etc.
My friends think im wonderful.and caring and to be honest i want them to know someone is in their corner thinking about them but I have to make a note and get a physical reminder to do so.

We have new friends introduced to our group and it just means we have more friends and options.

For example I've been friends with A for 40 years. I've been friends with B for 25 years.
Friend B has a really close friend 'C'. I've not been able to see much of the group for the last 10 months and friend B has had to look after family so she has been out of the loop.

My friend A and friend C now walk their dogs together, play badminton and occasionally go swimming and are now good friends. No one has fallen out or shoved out. Im going away with A for a weekend in August and going away with B in September. We are all going to Lisbon in October.

That's the thing! I DO the important stuff, but I admit a bit crap with the details. Think I'm a good friend, just not so 'on it' with every anniversary etc. I'm talking about someone almost 'love bombing' my friends !!! I understand the 'be a better friend ' comments, I just don't do things for show...

Well, of this a pattern of behaviour, you’re the common denominator, surely?

You cannot steal a person. Not a husband or partner, not a friend. The new person is probably in a honeymoon phase with your friends. It will gradually level out. You friends love you for who you are. They won’t stop just because the new girl is shiny and has a good memory. If you reflect and decide that you’ve been taking your friends for granted, do something to fix it. The only way to win in your totally imaginary competition is by not playing.

Being “Wendied” is definitely a thing. I remember seeing a few threads on this topic on here!

I have a friend who is smart, funny and lovely, she too remembers all occasions. She puts lots of emojis after her messages on a group chat.
I really like her and value her as a friend. And so does everyone else.

She is the popular person who no-one forgets to add to all events.
I also know that said friend has the same insecurities as I do, she worries about offending anyone. She has family fallouts, anxieties about her dc.

Perhaps the reason Wendys do so much is because they are insecure and need validation.
I'm older now and haven't the energy to care if I'm popular or not.

I am confused! I love being a connector and bringing people together who dont know each other. I am delighted when I see two people ive introduced hiking togerher or going on a dog walk, I dont expected to be included every time they meet. Unlike (most) relationships friendships aren't exclusive surely and its fine to enjoy different things with different people? I dont understand the possessive that someone people have towards a 'best' friend.

I think with these wendied threads at least half the time all the Wendy is guilty of is turning up and behaving like a decent human being to the people they encounter. This isn't a wrong thing to do.

Yes, and/or that the OP is so terminally insecure that she thinks it's breaking some kind of 'friend code' if friends she introduced do things together without inviting her. It's the same creeping self-esteem issue that regard other people talking to their friends and acquaintances on the school run as 'cliques' giving non-members 'side eye'.

No one owns their friends and there is no hierarchy of friendships.

I don’t think this is about forgetting birthdays or anything like that it’s people being controlling and weird about other people.

Anyone has the right to make friends with anyone else. Length of friendship means nothing, no one has “dibs” on anyone else. If you have friends you need to make peace with their right to make other friendships.

Exactly.

The problems start if the new person then tries to exclude or smear the person who introduced them, which does happen sometimes.

I mean I thought that if you're someone that wants friends you generally get told to "put yourself out there" and meet new people and behave like someone that people want to be around. I don't see how that's different to some people's definition of being Wendied.

It won’t be just remembering anniversaries - you’re fixating on that because it’s easy. I don’t send cards for any of my friends’ anniversaries! It will be the general way this person is, what fun the friends have together. Work on that instead!

They can't 'steal then unless your original friendship stops but they can strike up a new separate friendship.

I had someone do this at my wedding, latched onto my step sister who they have literally nothing in common with. They haven't seen eachother since the wedding but have kept in touch. I now get to hear facts about my own family via a third party! It's bizarre but it doesn't change my original relationship with either of them.

Came here to say the same thing lol.