…to think that a childrens members club is a want, not an education need?

[ThisNattyUser]

Name change as outing.

An acquaintance of mine (we’ve never met in person, but we correspond frequently) is a single mum to a school-age child. This child has been diagnosed with Emotional School Based Avoidance (ESBA) since they were in preschool . Child has never attended a formal schooling setting as even the words “school”, “learning” etc. is enough to give them an anxiety attack. AFAIK the child is homeschooled by a childminder.

On to the bit that I wonder if I’m being unreasonable about. There’s a well-known members club for children. An upscale place where the fees run in the thousands (lower 5 figures). AFAIK the members club is not a specialised neurodivergent-led educational environment. More like a luxury soft play where prep school kids are taken to by their nannies while their HNWI parents socialise. Acquaintance is pushing for the Local Authority to fund membership at this club for their child.

I’ve visited this club before as the guest of a nanny whose child is a member. while membership at this club is very desirable among a particular London set, I wouldn’t say it’s a place of education - more like a space for rich kids to play while having their whims and fancies catered to (much like members clubs for adults I suppose!)

while I appreciate that this acquaintance is fighting for their child to receive alternate education provision, AIBU to think that a fancy members club is a want, not a need?

even for alternatives to education outside of school?

What was your answer to that?

because I’ve been to the club many times and she wants me to confirm that it’s the right choice for her child

Can you say something like "I can't really say if it is a good match for your daughter as I don't know her well enough. It seemed very noisy when we went there. You'll have to see what the LA say. We couldnt afford it so I haven't really considered it".

Don't get too involved is my advice.

Alternative Provision certainly doesn't have to be registered, or a school/nursery. Most alternative provision isn't at a registered provider, so that in itself isn't a criteria.
Places like golf clubs, art classes, children's farms, riding schools, donkey sanctuaries, yoga, cookery clubs, wildlife trusts etc can all be alternative provision.

But why is your opinion important?

People who keep talking about it not being a school or nursery so it won’t be funded don’t know what they’re talking about at all. For EOTAS, the whole point is that it isn’t and can’t be a school or a nursery, or it wouldn’t be EOTAS!

But I agree mum may be ND - specifically autistic - herself which may explain the fixation on this specific place.

Ultimately if it’s a posh members club I can’t imagine they’d want it to become a thing that council-funded children start joining. But surely she has had this discussion with the club?! Normally at the point of requesting a provision as part of an EOTAS package there would be a quote from the provider. If the club has provided this and can cater than maybe there is a lot of detail you aren’t privy to? If not, mum is almost certainly being unrealistic about it.

I wish people would stop blaming parents whose kids can’t go to school though. My child appears to sit at a much higher level of need but I promise you they did not need to start school for us to know it couldn’t possibly work. Nursery - with max funding and constant 1:1 support - was a disaster, and the clinical and educational psychologist reports from assessments completed shortly after what was an incredibly traumatic experience due to significant unmet needs, would break your heart. Not to mention what happened when we even just tried to visit a specialist setting the LA wanted to send my child to, which was nothing short of horrific.

We’ve had plenty of people over the years, who don’t know all the information but have seen fit to say that we could make this school or that school work if we tried a bit harder, or that we gave up too quickly. They have absolutely no idea.

All the judgemental people should just be glad that they don’t have to live it and understand. I wouldn’t wish what we’ve been through on anyone. And I’m sure that this mum is doing her best.

Sorry I didn’t meant to quote that, I was going to reply to that specifically earlier but didn’t get round to it.

Points all stand though.

I have said in the past, something like “my kids loved it but got overwhelmed after a bit and had big meltdowns. i haven’t met your child so I couldn’t tell you if theyd react the same” but what you suggested is much better. thank you

I don’t know but she maybe thinks that if I confirm that she’s right she’s vindicated in her struggle. or maybe I can confirm to the LA on her behalf. that could be why she keeps pushing me to affirm her choice

I wouldn't engage with it.

I’m so sorry you and your child had to go through all of that. are they more settled and happy now?

Hope it's hopeful. I would stick to more or less the same response. A bit "rinse and repeat" if you like. It does sound like the mum has got a bit fixated on the idea that this club is the solution. You need to make it clear that you don't have an opinion.

Luckily for you it's someone else's decision. My suspicion is that the LA won't fund it if cheaper options for socialising are availsble. As PP said people ask for allsorts.

Okiwiaa- yes that’s totally true but our LCC would require letter of assurance from the company plus would require assurances that they were in small groups and not mixing with strangers etc . We use riding stables and farm therapy and they are closed to the general public when our children attend their sessions as that’s a requirement of our lcc rules would think most lcc have similar rules . I am in total agreement that some children need alternative provision but think school must be tried at some point so that they can say all avenues have been explored and exhausted .

Hmm, im wondering how much of this a status thing from mum?