…to think that a childrens members club is a want, not an education need?

[ThisNattyUser]

Name change as outing.

An acquaintance of mine (we’ve never met in person, but we correspond frequently) is a single mum to a school-age child. This child has been diagnosed with Emotional School Based Avoidance (ESBA) since they were in preschool . Child has never attended a formal schooling setting as even the words “school”, “learning” etc. is enough to give them an anxiety attack. AFAIK the child is homeschooled by a childminder.

On to the bit that I wonder if I’m being unreasonable about. There’s a well-known members club for children. An upscale place where the fees run in the thousands (lower 5 figures). AFAIK the members club is not a specialised neurodivergent-led educational environment. More like a luxury soft play where prep school kids are taken to by their nannies while their HNWI parents socialise. Acquaintance is pushing for the Local Authority to fund membership at this club for their child.

I’ve visited this club before as the guest of a nanny whose child is a member. while membership at this club is very desirable among a particular London set, I wouldn’t say it’s a place of education - more like a space for rich kids to play while having their whims and fancies catered to (much like members clubs for adults I suppose!)

while I appreciate that this acquaintance is fighting for their child to receive alternate education provision, AIBU to think that a fancy members club is a want, not a need?

probably just as well that the club is not a school as the child has ESBA

so definitely extra curricular or enrichment and not an replacement for home education

It will be laughed out by the LA.

The requests can be bonkers. My LA has has requests this year for a full air-conditioning system for someone's house so the house stays cool for the child, they also have had a request to find a family's holiday to Iceland (and all the expenses of a PA) as other children get to go on school trips.

That is just the tip of the iceberg for my LA.

If it's the only place that can meet that child's needs then it isn't a luxury.

Does she have an EHCP? EOTAS is for kids with EHCPs who have exhausted all other options, not for home ed kids.

Yep - we’ve had requests for David Lloyd membership as the only gym that can “meet need” 🙄.

Just leave her to ask.
she will get a response from the LEA.
Not your business unless she asks for your opinion.
(Seems bonkers but as was pointed out it could be cheaper than a proper placement so if she onky asking for this then who knows . )

I am curious to know how a posh soft play that gets busy with noisy children who come straight to the club after school often in their school uniforms, and is often a networking hub, are going to meet the needs of a child who is easily overstimulated by sound and crowds and triggered by the sight and mention of anything school related

wouldn’t it be amazing for the LA to install and pay for AC in our house AND send us to Iceland! And a gym membership. If only

she’s made it my business by bringing it up constantly at every group chat and conversation, but I don’t know what to say when she asks for my opinion or rather ask me to affirm her choice

because on one hand I feel like it’s a want and a big ask but maybe for her it’s a need

hence this thread

Try to reframe it - you keep coming back to whether it is a want or a need. Honestly maybe it would be great for her kid, maybe in some sense it is something they need, but it’s not something they’re going to get - both because the LA will regard it as insane and because the club won’t accept it. So ok, she’s being unrealistic here and has maybe git stuck on this one idea. As a friend (or at least friendly acquaintance!) all you can do is encourage her to look at other options.

I’m also concerned about this. Anxieties and fears don’t pop out of nowhere. They are learned. It is likely the initial reluctance at pre-school was over-interpreted by the parent and then the child subsequently learned a) yes, school is something to be scared of b) if I make a fuss, I get what I want.

I suspect co-dependancy is at play

The child deserves an education.

what you said about codependency and overintepretation makes sense now that I think about it. it feels like this mum initially took the path of least resistance by pulling her child out of preschool but now is in a difficult situation of her own making

I agree that all children deserve an education. hopefully this child gets one once her mum is realistic about what the LA will or won’t pay for

There wouldn't be any one to one support from the staff surely? They're just play workers not nursery nurses or teachers or TAs? There might be lots but not enough for one to take on a key worker type role for one specific child.

And you say the nannies bring them and it's like a soft play so are you even meant to leave your child there unsupervised?

I would say the same thing each time, ‘I don’t know enough about it to comment-is that the sort of thing that LAs fund?’

It sounds like you know this mum from an online support group -type set up? If her child is ND could it be that she is too and has become fixated on this club as the only option?

The thing is, you're not the person she has to convince. In your situation I would just leave it to play out. FWIW it doesn't sound like tbe right setting but luckily you don't have to make the decision. If she asks your opinion you could say that whrn you went it was very loud etc but you don't know whqt else tbey offer etc.

My brother is a teacher and his daughter is autistic and has school refusal. I am the paremt of two autistic young adults.

Absolutely

No wonder LAs are broken when we have people displaying this level of entitlement

Provision for socialisation is normal in an EOTAS package but the LA won't fund something expensive when it can be provided cheaper.
My son has swimming on his and it has a be in a pool with solo use and suitable changing facilities but the LA will ( reasonably) only fund pools that are cheapest to hire.

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all Of that sounds quite educational

the website says that babysitting can be booked but I’ve never used it myself. children are supposed to be supervised but from my experience they just run around like they own the place (I guess they do) and the nannies just chat to each other or on their phones

Just had a quick look on their FAQ and it states quite clearly they are not a school or nursery- so on that basis alone the council won’t be funding it . Council generally use alternate provisions that can meet strict criteria

it’s possible that she’s ND and this club is her current fixation.

I think she’s trying to convince me and always asks my opinion is because I’ve been to the club many times before. maybe if I agree with her I’d affirm her long struggle with convincing the LA. I’m almost afraid she’ll ask me to confirm the same to the LA because I don’t want to get that involved

thing is there are cheaper clubs than this one (I live close to one) but she visited and said it wasn’t good enough even though it was bigger and quieter I guess the place wasn’t as upscale or premium

it does sound educational but from my experience it’s more of a very nice play area

I suppose play is educational but is it a substitute for learning? if it was than maybe I wouldn’t fight so hard for my children to get an EHCP and placed in a far away school, I should’ve just asked the LA to fund a similar club

Of course it's a want not a need but how come you are involved?