My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

I think the issue here is that, while the 19 year old DS had issues as a child - things like days out and activities etc were always cancelled if he had a cold as he couldn't miss out.

OP is clearly traumatised that she almost lost him as a baby - yet she doesn't think the siblings should do anything without him almost 20 years later even though he is not disabled, studies, has a friendship group and goes out to his own interests independently (without them).

Family counselling?

I dont understand why you had to cancel so much when dc were younger. Yes ds was ill as a baby but most kids can travel with colds etc.

Were you too over protective and dc and made it all about him over the years?

I think the issue is that the other 3 were not allowed to do fun activities if their brother couldn't because he had a bad cold. The others could have gone out with one parent for a day while the other stayed at home - but OP didn't want them to do things without him.

@Gloriia Well, I think families should stay together, rearrange holidays.

Good luck with that.

So everyone has to miss single days out/activities because brother has a cold?

Ouch some nasty replies on here. My third ds is disabled. Each of the kids have at times said is the favourite. The reality is he is a prize PITA. For us it goes full circle. They get on now but will never be best friends.

Most of my kids hate one sibling. They all feel defensive of him when push comes to shove. It's harm on them too. You presume it would make them more empathetic and more understanding. But that's not real life. It's robbed all of us of something. But not least my poor disabled son.

Of course no one gets it. How can they? How we as parents fix it for them? Lock them in a tower or send to institution? There is F all choice in the hand your dealt and F all manual.

Don’t always prioritize one child at the expense of the others. The others shouldn’t have to miss out because of one, not if you want to avoid OP’s situation, anyway.

You speak about private schools kids being arrogant and lacking compassion, and here you are doing excellent demonstrations of both. Were you privately educated, or can we blame a state school? That the three siblings have been materially privileged does not compensate for emotional neglect and a clearly fucked up family dynamic.

How you think they should have felt and feel is irrelevant, because they didn’t and don’t. It has no bearing on the situation OP is in. A bloody minded refusal to accept any perspective other than the one you find most favorable does not actually invalidate the feelings of others, and the world will not neatly fall into place and operate how you think it should.

Hi @Marielouisee can you quantify how much was cancelled/missed out on and the importance so people can get a better guage? Eg 3 holidays total, but you would regularly have 2 holidays a year. Or whether you had to cancel the only annual holiday several times.

You hinted at privileged lifestyle, with lots of activities and enrichment, as well as private education. Do you think this has lead to a sense of entitlement and have become spoilt and increased a lack of empathy? Before this resentment developed, did they display self-centeredness or a lack of empathy? Is there a ring-leader that's stoking the resentment with siblings/encouraging unkindness from friends? Especially if there's a more dominant personality.

You come across as a bad parent to the other children.

But DS isn’t disabled. Thats sort of the point for me.

OP's son isn't disabled though. As a child he had some issues with getting colds which was corrected with a small nose operations.

At 16.57 she wrote - He's never been disabled or unable to live a normal life. He's independent, he studies, he goes out with his friends, and he has his own interests.

Your 3 other children sound like bullies. They need therapy.

I would have grounded them and removed all their allowances if they were bullying him and purposely excluding him. They can have their own friends and things and don’t be joined at the hip but cruelty like that would have been met with serious consequences and reading them the riot act. Also maybe family therapy on top. Their feelings may be valid but they don’t give them a pass at being cruel.

have you enforced any consequences other than pleading and crying?

I think this is quite common. I have an old friend whose brother was born with a life threatening illness. He was in ICU for 2 years and had to have constant medical checks throughout their childhood. Her parents marriage broke down as a result. She blamed him for a long time and resented him heavily. It obviously isn’t his fault or choosing, just as it isn’t your DS’s but I think you could perhaps find some empathy for your other DC here.

For me it’s the fact all of them are rejecting you, rather than just one outlier. This means they all feel similar resentment about their childhood so something has gone wrong somewhere. You must acknowledge this and their hurt rather than blaming them in some way for feeling this way.

At this point, if they insist on treating their brother this way, then maybe they need to find somewhere else to live. I don't want anyone living in my home who makes another member of the family feel unwanted.
What worries me most is what this says about them as people. If they can show so little empathy toward their own brother, someone who has never done anything to hurt them, how will they treat a future partner? Their own children? Their coworkers? The world doesn't reward people who lack compassion. That's what genuinely scares me.

Yes yes, OP. You should bully them into liking their brother, absolutely. You have tried crying at them, you have tried guilt-tripping them, now for the heavy stuff, eh? They need to be FORCED to like their brother. And if they won't then they need to be PUNISHED and made to HURT.

You should definitely kick them out of their home. Definitely. That will teach them compassion, eh?

That will show them how to BE KIND, won't it OP?

I reckon if op had of had therapy after the birth she wouldn’t be in this position right now.

'A regular sorry brother has a cold again. Sorry brother has the sniffles. Sorry brother doesn’t feel great. That’s not fair on the other children.'

Do you really think the op meant everything was cancelled because he had a sniffle? He was immunocompromised and had periods of significant ill health, not a sniffle.

Their parties, activities holidays etc all occurred just obviously sometimes needed to be rearranged.

You'd think growing up comfortably with what seem like wealthy and generous parents but unfortunately with a sick sibling might have made these 3 kids have some empathy and kindness yet the opposite has happened. Entitled, bullying brats. I'd be heartbroken too op.

I think this is blunt but I agree. He nearly die, absolutely awful and horrible to go through but 19 years later it should be a footnote at this point.

They might have had wealth but they had parents who only cared about one child.

If ops best example to show and prove her case was that colds affected him worse then yes I’ll use colds and sniffles as examples as she’s given nothing worse.

But kids don’t think like that. Talking to children about the kids in Africa is very common in Ireland, but it doesn’t produce saintly children who are grateful every day for what they have.

All kids want their parents attention. Constantly feeling like one sibling is getting more of it is going to have an impact.

lol my parents used to wang on about starving children in Africa.

it didn’t make me eat my dinner then and it wouldn’t now. I didn’t do it with my kids.

(I always remember I think a book of jokes from my childhood -

mum: eat your dinner there are starving kids on Africa
child: even they wouldn’t eat your cooking!

)

Oh god I still remember the eat your food there’s children starving in Africa thing at dinner time.

Like my dinner eating affected those children at all. I’m sure my peas that you gave me knowing I didn’t like them would really make all the difference mum 😅

It sounds a really difficult situation. You & DH have both tried so hard to get it right. What does your son say when you talk about the situation now? Apologies if you've already said.

I don't have anything useful to suggest, but just to say that my sister didn't treat me very well during our childhood, and we don't really a relationship now. We see each other the odd time, but that's it. It's a real shame. DM said she didn't know of the extent of it. You've addressed the issues, so hopefully,
when your other 3 children move out and get a little distance, they'll begin to understand and appreciate the difficulties you faced.

I'm very sorry for your troubles.

@OP Commiserations, this thread has been a ride. MN is a strange place; you never know what crowd you’ll get on any given day. In MN land, teens are apparently meant to be out drinking, shagging, swearing at their parents and refusing family holidays. Any teen who is polite, socialises with siblings, or goes away with family is labelled “abnormal” or “repressed.” And a sibling asking to join an outing? Also “not normal.” The replies you’re getting reflect that mindset.
For what it’s worth, your other three come across as nasty bullies. When you’re bullied outside the home, family is usually the refuge parents and siblings so It’s heartbreaking that he doesn’t have that.

You’ve done the right things: sitting them down, talking, appealing to their better selves. But they clearly resent him. Apart from his health issues, what else makes him “different”? Did he attend mainstream school? Because the environment you describe sounds toxic for him, and I’d be worried about how he’s processing all of this.

I’d keep a very close eye on the dynamics and avoid leaving him alone with them. Does he have friends outside the home, school, hobbies? That could be a good diversion. If his siblings saw him getting on with his own life & building his own social group, they might rethink their behaviour.

It doesn’t sound like they’ll ever be close. The age spread alone makes that unlikely so perhaps it’s time to accept that & focus on encouraging his independence. It’s heartbreaking, siblings are supposed to be your first social group, but sometimes it just doesn’t work and as a parent i can imagine how distressing that is for you.

OP said cancelled, not rearranged. The two experiences are different.