AIBU to wonder why my instructor avoids driving home with me?

[Sarnpark]

I'm curious whether other people do this, or whether I'm reading too much into it.

I have a martial arts instructor who lives in the same neighbourhood as me. I always thought we had a good, trusting and respectful instructor/student relationship.

After a recent one-day training session in a fairly remote location, I set off home first. I'm quite a slow driver. As I pulled into the long road home, I noticed him pull out behind me, probably about 60 metres back. He must have seen it was me, but then he pulled into a lay-by and stayed there. About 25 minutes later he overtook me on the motorway, driving at around 80 mph.

I've also noticed that after our regular training sessions he rarely seems to end up driving home at the same time as me. He'll either leave quickly before I do, or wait until I've gone and then set off a little later.
We live in the same neighbourhood, so one possibility is that he simply doesn't want me to know exactly where he lives. Another is that he doesn't want to spend the journey following me or have me think he's tailgating me.

Is this something other people deliberately do? Do you avoid driving home at the same time as friends, colleagues or students for similar reasons, or is there another explanation? I am feeling bad that he may think I want to find out his address or thst he thinks I have a crush on him!

AIBU = nothing untoward
IANBU = he is protecting instructor/student boundaries

@Sarnpark you say you’re not going to give up your hobby because “it is only good thing in my life”. If that is true then the answer to managing the all consuming nature of a crush is not to give up your hobby and the other friends you’ve made there but to try and expand other areas of your life and other interests. Dilute this bright spot in your week with other people and other things.

I think he has picked up on something from you, it’s not easy to hide those kind of feelings. He is deliberately keeping a boundary between teacher and friend which is wise of him. You would be best directing your energy away from trying to analyse him and look for meaning in his actions to creating a diverse set of hobbies, interests and friendships.

I expect we'll soon have a post from his wife.

'AIBU - to ask my husband to keep his distance from his obsessed student'

I assumed driving instructor from your title and wondered how you got would get back without them! This is obviously completely different and he's right to think you should stay separate.

Maybe he's noticed your crush and he's trying to avoid you.

You haven't hidden things as well as you think you have.

He's married, so he's trying to keep a professional distance.

He's scheduling 1:1 because that's his job.

You need to get a hold of yourself or find a new hobby.

You are trying to tell yourself that his actions are about you. They are not, he’s just living his life in an ordinary way.

Saying that he’s encouraging you to have sessions when he doesn’t need the money be he’s well off is absolute madness.

If he is a martial arts instructor, then he has been doing it a long time, and he will have a lot of discipline in his life.

My bet is that he regularly has a lot of people, men, women and children, who form an attachment to him and in the past boundaries have been blurred. Often people take up a martial art to improve self esteem, and then the person who markedly improves their life, the instructor, becomes a focus point for them.

He will have done safeguarding courses that educate him on how to keep his students safe, and how to protect his professional status, by having clear and enforced boundaries.

I'm sure you can't help how you feel, but it's not fair on these instructors to have a crush on them and spend time focusing on where they live and what they are doing. He is married, may have kids. He is doing his job and trying to make a living out of his passion.

He has probably been there and done that, even been burned a few times. He has probably seen that you live near him, and is putting a distance between your car and his. He probably doesn't want you to know where he lives, because it is private. He is protecting himself in my opinion.

I quite often stop soon after setting off on a car journey because my phone hasn't connected to the car or I need to find a particular spotify playlist or podcast, or I've realised I need to see what traffic is like on my journey and if there is a quicker route.

He’s struggling with his violent reciprocal attraction to you, obviously, and is trying not to burst into flames in the lay-by.

Option 3 : he has his own schedule, commitments and stuff where you don’t feature at all , and he’s following that.

He’s not giving you any headspace no matter how much you want to convince yourself that he does.

Cue a stream of other posts about the unfortunate instructor’s body language and eye contact.

I suspect that your slow driving is infuriating

I think you're just over thinking it, OP. Maybe because you'd sort of like him to be thinking about you as much as you think about him?

You're a slow driver and he drives at 80. It doesn't sound like you'd arrive in your neighbourhood even if he set off at the same time as you. More likely he does other stuff when he leaves later, and when he doesn't he speeds off because, like a lot of people, he see the journey as wasted time he'd like to minimize. Your saw him once stop in a layby - as previous poster suggested he'd probably realised he hadn't plugged his phone in or had some calls to make he'd forgotten about or something. He went speeding past you, which he could have just done sooner without pulling into the lay by. So if he was just trying to avoid you arriving in your neighbourhood at the same time, the lay by thing was irrelevant.

Nothing you said sounds like someone who is concerned about you rather just getting on with their life.

Maybe you haven't hidden it as well as you think you have. Maybe he's not only protecting his boundaries, but also protecting his livelihood. Maybe he's been stalked by a student before. Maybe he's been accused of following someone. Just go to your class, and then leave him alone 🤷 Or find a different class.

I think it’s really awkward to be driving in convoy with someone you don’t really know, especially if you don’t think they’re a good driver because they’re slow and/or hesitant.

There’s awkward stopping a lights near each other, do you acknowledge each other, I don’t want to be caught singing embarrassingly by someone I know, I don’t want them judging my driving… really I just don’t want to have to think about them at all.

So I will naturally and in most cases unconsciously defer to leaving at a slightly different time to them so the drive home can be my time not thinking of anyone else.

I think it’s the disliking driving in convoy thing.

Or maybe he doesn’t want you to realise how close by you live and suggest car pooling, which many MNers would hate (me included) because it means losing that alone time.

He’s realised you’re stalking him and doesn’t want you to know where he lives

If he drives at 80mph, and you are a self confessed ‘slow driver’, that’s probably the reason. He doesn’t want to be stuck driving behind you.

Why do you think his driving patterns are in anyway related to you? You are not the centre of the universe. The world goes on all around you and people will not be thinking about you.

He’s noticed.

The man enjoys his own company and there's nothing wrong with that. There's people at work. He may drive home to family at home. A lot of us use driving time to listen to music, ponder the events of the day and unwind generally. Nothing to do with you.

The situation sounds more troubling with every post from the OP. The huge crush, borderline stalking, the fact he is married and the hobby is the “only good thing” in her life.
If the sexes were reversed people would be stating they hope the (female) instructor has informed the police.

OP - get a grip and find a new life affirming hobby. Most importantly, keep your eyes on the road and stop looking out for this man’s car in lay-bys or wondering why he is speeding past you. Perhaps he is rushing back home to be with his family. It’s really none of your concern.

hahhaha and there is the answer. You aren't hiding it he knows. He is being careful. He obviously doesn't feel same way. Please respect that.

If I were you I would change to a different instructor. What good will come from this situation? For one thing, it’s probably not ethical for him to date students and (more importantly) he’s married.

It’s possible he is interested in you but if he is then no good can come from this - do you really want to be the other woman?

Why are you saying that it’s possible he’s interested in her? All he’s done is pull in to a lay-by and then later overtake her and to encourage her to have one on one lessons, which is his job.