AIBU to wonder why my instructor avoids driving home with me?

[Sarnpark]

I'm curious whether other people do this, or whether I'm reading too much into it.

I have a martial arts instructor who lives in the same neighbourhood as me. I always thought we had a good, trusting and respectful instructor/student relationship.

After a recent one-day training session in a fairly remote location, I set off home first. I'm quite a slow driver. As I pulled into the long road home, I noticed him pull out behind me, probably about 60 metres back. He must have seen it was me, but then he pulled into a lay-by and stayed there. About 25 minutes later he overtook me on the motorway, driving at around 80 mph.

I've also noticed that after our regular training sessions he rarely seems to end up driving home at the same time as me. He'll either leave quickly before I do, or wait until I've gone and then set off a little later.
We live in the same neighbourhood, so one possibility is that he simply doesn't want me to know exactly where he lives. Another is that he doesn't want to spend the journey following me or have me think he's tailgating me.

Is this something other people deliberately do? Do you avoid driving home at the same time as friends, colleagues or students for similar reasons, or is there another explanation? I am feeling bad that he may think I want to find out his address or thst he thinks I have a crush on him!

AIBU = nothing untoward
IANBU = he is protecting instructor/student boundaries

I do think it a bit odd you are giving this so much head space OP.

You should just carry on getting yourself home, do what is convenient and normal for you, and if he is playing silly games for whatever reason then let him get on with it.

He could have any amount of reasons for what he is doing, probably nothing to do with you at all.

There are lots of reasons why someone might pull over into a lay-by for five mins (or leave a venue at a different time from you). The fact that you leap to the conclusion that he is avoiding you makes me wonder why you would be afraid he thought you had a crush on him.

Is it just the slight social awkwardness of touching one another as the sport involves? Or do you perhaps really have a teeny crush?

Because driving home behind a slow driver if you can't overtake is enough to make my blood boil and my eyeballs melt. Driving is often my happy place, it has a peaceful rhythm which I enjoy. If you claim to be a slow driver you wouldn't necessarily brake where I'd brake, I'd be constantly trying not to be driving too close.. It would make the whole journey annoying. I'd rather sit in a layby and give you time to get out of the damn way whilst I mess on my phone and then drive home normally than sit behind you all the way home muttering at you under my breath.

If I had noticed this, which I may not have done, I would have entirely assumed it was an issue to do with the instructor and nothing at all to do with me. I wouldn't bother giving this any more head space at all and just get on with the training and think no more of it.

AIBU = nothing untoward
IANBU = he is protecting instructor/student boundaries

your options make no sense, because there would be nothing untoward about protecting boundaries 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could be any one or more of many reasons.

He may need to be there early or leave late.
He may have people to speak to, places to go, things to do.
He may simply prefer the freedom to travel alone.

I think you've developed an unhealthy interest in this man and he can feel it and is avoiding you ao as not to get himself in any problems.

Thanks all. Good to read the replies. Yes I do have a huge crush on him but I don't think he has noticed as I have hidden it well.

I think you’re massively overthinking this and your AIBUs are one and the same.

It's very odd you are noticing this, and say you have a huge crush on him.

Allow him to be professional and set boundaries with you. If this was a man saying this about a woman...

I would hate to be driving home in a convoy with someone I know. I want to be able to sing or talk to myself in the car without them noticing. I would also not want to get into any kind of discussion with them afterwards about my driving or where I live

Both your voting options are for the same thing

He'll either leave quickly before I do, or wait until I've gone and then set off a little later.

How do you know he's 'waiting until you've gone'? Why should it be anything to do with you? He might be making a phone call or stopping to chat to someone or going somewhere else instead of going home.

I think he probably does know and is avoiding you for that reason....or you know, he's just driving home and has given you little/no thought

Maybe he does a bit of one to one online coaching and is leaving early/pulling over to see to that.

I thought this thread would be about giving lifts. An AIBU about driving in different cars is bonkers!

Does he have a partner or is he dating someone? You could be massively creeping him out because he can sense you like him and it's very difficult to enforce boundaries as he's paid to spend time with you. And in all honesty, as a martial arts instructor he's obviously had female clients develop crushes on him his entire career and can clearly sense the red flags. This goes for all men who work in jobs with some level of sexiness like doctor, dentist, fitness trainers, etc.

If the roles were reversed and a man was obsessed by the fact that his female instructor lives very close by but doesn't want to go home with him, then that would borderline be a case for the police.

Of course he will have noticed that you’ve got a crush on him - you can’t easily hide something like that! Apart from that, there can be many reasons why he might have pulled into a lay-by and as a previous poster has said, there is very little that is more annoying than getting stuck behind a really slow driver - in my opinion, they cause far more accidents than fast drivers because they cause so much frustration to other motorists.

I can almost 100% guarantee you have not hidden it well at all. You're overthibking something that most people would never even notice and he's evidently trying to stay away from you outside of the actual class.

He's just doing his thing he probably has no idea you are monitoring his movements so closely, it's practically stalking him. If you go slowly he is pretty sure to overtake if he leaves a bit after you and if he leaves first you will be in his dust, nothing sinister. Perhaps he was meeting someone in the layby (or caught short) but none of your business.

Hidden it well?
By spying on him?

He's avoiding you because he knows you fancy him and it's not reciprocated.

I hate driving home with a fellow colleague near me. I feel judged on my driving - speed, etc. although I wouldn’t think anything of theirs. It’s purely just me being paranoid

You may not have hidden the crush as well as you think, since someone on mumsnet spotted it! He may conceivably be avoiding you to keep a boundary, but there are many reasons for him to vary his route home which are nothing to do with you.

Thanks all.

If he is that concerned about my attraction to him (even if well hidden), why would he try to encourage me to do more training with him? Some of these will be one-to-one, and we have already pencilled in a date. He doesnt need the money as he is well off, so it cant be that he is desperate for work.

Is this more about your attraction to him and how to act on it? How do you know he's well off and doesn't need the money?

Are you wanting to be told that he must fancy you and is therefore avoiding you to prevent being overcome by lust?
Maybe he is….
Maybe he wants to leave work at work, including students. Or he might know you have a crush and want to discourage it as if it goes tits up that’s loss of business…or maybe he doesn’t want to show where he lives etc etc