Is this a "me problem"?

[FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose]

NC as I don't really want this shitshow linked to any other posts as could be outing.

I have had an on/off involvement with a guy for coming up to 2 years now. It's hard to define it as an actual relationship as it is more off than on but I am led to believe that it is and supposed to be exclusive.

We have recently had our longest break from eachother- 2 months with absolutely no contact, etc. And whilst i missed him and thought about him a lot, i took this time to accept it was clearly over and proceeded to readjust to my life. Unexpectedly he resurfaced 2 weeks ago and things/expectations immediately jumped into a full on entanglement. No conversation, no apology, no pleasantries. Just a week of him around, texting, sex, dates, coming over and not leaving unless i was at work, proclaims of love, etc. I won't lie, i was confused and tried my hardest not to get too comfortable. He has now disappeared off the scene again, with the odd messages of abuse that I have had to block him.

I am at the stage now where i feel generally terrible in myself when the relationship with him resumes. I am consumed by paranoia, questions and doubt. It's suffocating. This is a pattern of being together like nothing happened then periods of time apart like we dont exist, these are now extending to longer and longer. Any time I mention how it is making me feel and causing insecurities I am told I am poison and this is why he does it. These are all essentially 'me problems' to deal with, as he has been the "perfect boyfriend" for a week and my insecurities are impacting his value in me.

I am at a loss now and just generally sick of it all. I dont know why I want to be with him, but I do. I just cant do this whole ending, moving on then bam back to lovey dovey crap anymore.

I dont know what I'm looking for here, maybe just a headshake, a handheld or something but Christ ive never experienced love like this before.

Its not love, its sex, hormones and confusion
End it properly and don't go back to him, he's wasting your time

It sounds like this situation brings you more pain than joy

It’s a you problem in that you need to permanently end this weird relationship or you will end up in a very bad state of mind. He’s emotionally abusing you. Highly suspect he’s got a few women on the go or he at least just gets off on controlling you. End it permanently. For your own sake. This is not love.

He is using you for sex, nothing more nothing less. He doesn't want a relationship with you.

What do you want, are you happy just being used for sex

Yes - carry on but accept he will never change
No - tell him it no longer works for you and step away

He's hitting you with a dopamine rush, love bombing and then retreating. Your brain is now in an addiction-like cycle. If you recognise it and see that its no good for you and is causing you unhappiness, you can break it. He sounds like a user and a prick. Good luck to you, stand up for yourself you are worth so much better than this, you are worth love, attention, stability, acceptance and happiness xx

He's just using you. Picking you up and dropping you whenever the mood takes him. You're worth way more than that.

Please just permanently block him. He's bad news and the relationship will never get any better. In fact it isn't a relationship at all really. Just you waiting around for him.

But you have the strength to say 'No. Fuck off. Stop wasting my time with your nonsense.' You'd be better off single for certain.

I've struggled with this the last few years. For me a good part of it is rejection sensitivity and I keep giving him chances because then it kind of proves to me that I've not been rejected. As well as limerence! The sex is amazing, I feel like I love him, things are 'right' when we are together.. but all the negative stuff... how can I actually be in love with someone who treats me like he does? Disappearing, objectifying, negging, telling me black is white... I know I'm not really in love with him. Its absolutely a me problem

Edit to say: I also feel like I can't move on because he is always in the back of my mind. I'm embarrassed to say that its been going on five years and its only just now that I feel like I can stop it completely 😳

The good bits sound addictive but this isn't love. Go back to where you were before he resurfaced and think about what you can do to get over him. Keep him blocked. The best way for me to get over someone I really wanted to go back to was online dating as a distraction. You are missing out on other relationship opportunities by focusing on him.

ive never experienced love like this before

You've never experienced love like this before because this isn’t love, it’s dependency, and he’s the drug. It’s like you make a huge effort to get clean during the breaks, then he comes back and you start using again. He encourages this because it suits him to have you helpless and at his beck and call again. He doesn’t love you - he knows how to manipulate you, to make you feel as though you can’t bear to lose what you have with him, whatever the cost. But what you have with him is a one-way street to disaster for you. He can say and do whatever he knows you need to keep you hooked, but he cares nothing for your well-being, only wants to be with you when it suits him, revels in how clever he is to keep all the plates spinning (there will be many other ‘plates’). No-one who loves you tells you you’re poison! Don’t fall for it all again.

You're a toy. He picks you up, plays with you amd leaves when he's bored.

It's cliche but the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" comes to mind. You deserve so much better. Please block and delete this guy.

Don't allow him back - he mistreats you.

He is bad for you. End of. Stop trying to double think it and just look at the impact he is having on you. It is NOT GOOD. Get him out of your system. Tell him goodbye, this isn't working for you, block, move on.

This is not love.

@OriginalSkang This literally sounds like my situation to a tee. It is incredibly sad and frustrating that i am ultimately the one doing it to myself by keep being dragged back into it. Is there anything you are doing or have specifically changed to stop the cycle and stick to boundaries?

This is not a healthy relationship and the only way through this (for the sake of your wellbeing) is to block him and move on. He keeps coming back because when he does, you're there for him, giving him what he needs and when he's got what he needs he goes again. This 'relationship' is only benefitting him and it also sounds like he's abusive.
You deserve so much better than this, he's clearly got you to the point where your self esteem is low and he's taking advantage of you.
Please find some strength to end this for good and work on yourself. There are SO many more decent men out there that wouldn't treat you like this.

OMG, please remove yourself from this man @FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose . You have a choice here to walk away from someone who is making you confused, insecure and unhappy. No one who loves you would be making you feel so miserable. What you are experiencing is not love, not even close to it. He might say the word "love" but none of his actions are demonstrating love.

You have all the power and it is to cease to engage with him any further. You have control over your life - so seize it and choose to love yourself, respect yourself and put yourself first.

Also meant to say that I have been through something like this, went on for a few years. It was only after blocking him and having therapy that I was able to see how it wasn't love, it was him using me to boost his self esteem, scattering breadcrumbs, love bombing, making me feel like this was a crazy, doomed, romantic love affair. I would never treat another person that way and I was embarrassed to admit that I'd been used like this. I now realise that he was a manipulator who picked me as I was emotionally damaged and vulnerable.

This. Is. Not. Love.

write a list what you want and keep it in your phone, make yourself look at it every time he tries to get back in contact so you stick to your resolve to end this.

eg if you want meaningless but fun sex, read that back to yourself and go on an app

eg if you want someone you can build a life with, read that back to yourself and put your energy into someone else

either way, for your own survival, you need to end this. Heck, just have a list saying you want peace of mind and self worth…no man is worth loosing that over.

You could also approach this from the perspective of, what would you say to your best friend/future daughter in this situation? Apply that kindness to yourself.

OP, you're simply giving him all the control in this 'relationship' aren't you?

You're leaving it totally up to him whether you see or even hear from him instead of doing what YOU want to do.

Unless you take control of the situation, it's just going to continue forever, with him treating you as a booty call whenever he fancies it.

Only you can change that, by no longer replying to his calls/texts/emails and by refusing to allow him access to you to continue to abuse you?

You are not experiencing love now. It is addiction - highs and lows. You need to block him forever and ask yourself why you are a willing participant in this. Forget his part entirely and go hard on yourself - why are you doing it to yourself.

You're not a passenger in your own life OP.

You need to jump off the cliff without him, or stay on it forever feeling like he's going to push you off at any moment.

But ultimately you have to make a choice.

Again, the reason you’ve never felt love like this before is because it isn’t love. There are usually lessons we haven’t learned when we get stuck in cycles like this and until those lessons are learned, we just keep getting trapped in the same cycles over and over. Work on your own confidence so that you don’t need to look to other people to feel complete. Get to know your own worth.

I have had a lot of therapy for other reasons and have spoken about him in it quite a lot (with mixed results with different therapists). I think the thing that has helped me most is reading into limerence, watching youtube videos about it. I know that my mental health is considerably worse when he is in my life, even in 'good' periods when he is acting okay - I'm subconsciously waiting for it to go wrong and it keeps me on edge. Now when he gets in touch with me I recognise that. I feel the anxiety creeping back in and I recognise that I don't want it

I think part of me feels that I don't have anything else romantic going on, so I might as well go along with whatever I have with him. But I know that he is what stops anything else going on

Basically just recognising and remembering and not letting myself get swept away in the 'relief' of him getting back in touch