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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not let dd (aged 8) go to a sleepover ...

109 replies

bluenosesaint · 25/06/2008 22:16

...because i really can't decide whether i'm being unreasonable or not ...and of course, according to dd i am being totally unreasonable!!

DD is 8 (and yes, she is my PFB - she has two younger sisters) and her friend at school is having a sleepover. Apparantly dd and two other friends are invited (four 8yr old girls in all) and the other children's parents have said yes. I have said no.

My reasons for saying no is that i really don't know the parents well at all. I know mum to say hello and to have a friendly chat to, and dd has been to her house for tea etc. but i don't know her very well and don't know mums boyfriend at all.

DD is very cross and upset with me and part of me wants to let her go, but i'm really torn because i really feel that i don't know the parents well enough.

What do you think? Am i BU? Go on, tell me the truth, I can take it ...

Would you let your dd go?

OP posts:
stickytape · 26/06/2008 18:30

I'm with the YANBU crowd. If I do not know both parents, I will not agree to a sleepover, and frankly, 8 is still pretty young. Yes, it's possibly overprotective, but it's still perfectly reasonable.

pofaced · 26/06/2008 18:40

What can happen?? Err... parents get drunk/ stoned/ angry when kids won't settle. Your child can't sleep on the floor. One of the other kids starts acting up and is mean and your child is tired and so can't handle it. They watch a scary video and she gets freaked out... lots can happen that can make a tired 8 year old feel very vulnerable: a neighbour's dog barking loudly at midnight can be frightening if you have no-one to say "shush, don't worry, it's only a dog barking"... she's 8, not 10!

batters · 26/06/2008 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluenosesaint · 26/06/2008 20:21

Thanks for your all your replies.

Ive been thinking about what to do all day, and the thing is, its not so much that i have a 'gut instinct' that something feels wrong, its just that i don't know the parents (well, mums bf) well enough to let her go.

Maybe i am being unreasonable, but its comforting to know that i'm not the only one who feels that way ...

I'm going to make an excuse as to why she can't go to her friends house to sleep (maybe let her go to her cousins to sleep instead and tell her that it was already arranged) and then let her arrange her own sleepover.

I know the time is going to come where I have to let her go ...just not yet ...

Thanks again

OP posts:
magicfarawaytree · 26/06/2008 20:38

yanbu - you dont the know parents very well. My dd 5 was invited to a sleepover, I explained that I was a bit neurotic and could she come for tea and play with pjs and that I would pick her up at 9.30 or when the others went to bed. I did not know the other mum very well and had not met her partner. I am quite lucky that dd does not sleep thru and is still in nappies so was quite a good excuse to add to my alledged neurosis. DD will not be having sleep overs until probably at least 9/10 years old. .

Gobbledigook · 26/06/2008 20:47

I'd say know if I did not know the parents well.

If I'm overprotective then, fine, so be it.

Gobbledigook · 26/06/2008 20:47

'no' of course - how the devil did 'know' come out?!

SummerNights · 26/06/2008 21:19

I am fairly relaxed - my dd had 3 friends over to sleep for her 7th birthday BUT I know the parents fairly well and they and thier children have all been here more than once so hopefully felt comfortable with it all. I had mobile numbers in case of problmes but they had a fantastic time

However, if I did not know the parents well enough and had never met the bf I would want to go to their house and meet them first before agreeing to it so in the circs YANBU but I would try and meet them before the sleepover (and for at least an hour or two for coffee at thier house not just 5 mins before school) to see what they are like - if they do not agree then she does not go!

Like the idea of the compromise agreement you have suggested - IMO it is much easier (at least from the worrying point of view)to have the sleepover at your house!

HonoriaGlossop · 26/06/2008 21:28

YANBU at all! Why WOULD you let your 8 yr old sleep in the house with one adult you've made small talk with, and another you've never even met?

That's not overprotective - that's protective, which is what a parent should be doing after all!

Don't second guess yourself blue - your response is fine and sensible.

Mummyandi · 26/06/2008 21:44

My DS1 is nearly 5 and going to his first sleepover soon, however I know the parents really well.

I kind of understand those who are saying YABU, but I also get your point. Not sure what I would do in your situation as I don't have a child that old yet.

sofiele · 04/09/2009 15:37

Hello
I got onto this thread because my dd (nearly 6) is begging to go to a sleepover or have a friend over.

I certainly did not go to one myself until I was at least 9, and I remember having a great time but being utterly unable to sleep until about 3 am.

My dd has sleep issues anywaydoesn't go to sleep until at least 10 pm most nights and usually a bit laterand can't sleep through the night on her own. I find it ridiculous that she's even asking for a sleepover, and look at it as a recipe for, at the very best, a cranky child all the next day, as well as possibly a cranky mother from having had to deal with a problem at 2 am.

I don't really understand, given the vast amount of playdates and other afterschool activities I organize for her, as well as a live-in sleepover friend (her younger sister) it is really necessary to also have sleepovers, especially when you are 5.

Sorry to rant, but this whole thing REALLY steams me up.

claw3 · 04/09/2009 15:42

YABU - You know the parents well enough to let your DD go round for tea, play dates etc, whats the difference?

Sassybeast · 04/09/2009 15:43

YANBU. I think sleepovers are fairly pointless to be honest - all you end up with is hyper, tired kids and a bloody headcahe And as I seem to have a houseful of DDs friends all day, I'm darned if I'm starting to have them here at night as well.

Flippancy aside - trust your instincts on this.

claw3 · 04/09/2009 15:44

ooops thread is about 3 years old!

Chrysanthemum5 · 04/09/2009 15:46

DC1 is almost 5 and had a sleepover at his friend's house recently, but I know the parents very well so I was ok with it. Plus I knew the boys would be asleep by 7.30 rather than up all night chatting! I wouldn't let DCs stay overnight with people if I don't know that I can trust them to take real care of my child!

So, YANBU to not let her go, but YABU if you leave it at that - your DC needs to see you making an effort to get to know the parents of her friends so future sleepovers may be possible.

claw3 · 04/09/2009 15:49

My ds 5 was made for sleep overs, he doesnt go to sleep until 3am anyway, with a few sweets thrown in, he could probably last until about 4-5, im betting he will only be asked once!

Oblomov · 04/09/2009 15:51

YABU.
I had a sleepover for ds1. One frined came over. They are 5. She is 8 for goodness sake. Drop her off and ask to pop in.

seeker · 04/09/2009 16:00

Think carefully.

What are you scared might happen?

NoahFence · 04/09/2009 16:01

even if oyu knwo the parents they could still groom/abuse your kid

you jsut have to take the risk
we haev FOURT 8 year olds coming over tonight

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/09/2009 16:03

yabu to not let her go as you dont really know the parent or met boyfriend

but if your dd has been there before for tea etc, then you must trust the parent

so is it the boyfriend issue?

yabvu to not meet them before hand or drop off dd and pop in for a cuppa glass of wine and either pick her up at 11pm or let her stay

4 of them will be together in the same room having fun

pagwatch · 04/09/2009 16:09

is there any reason why we are concerned whether or notthe OP was going to send her 8 year old ( now 9 year old) DD on a sleepover?

I am hoping that in the intervening year she has had a chance to meet the boyfriend.....

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/09/2009 16:18

bugger - i NEVER look at dates

blame sofiele for bumping it up

though wonder if OP did allow her dd to go/stay ? ............

pagwatch · 04/09/2009 16:19
Grin
watfordmummy · 04/09/2009 16:22

yes

Casserole · 04/09/2009 16:26

When is it? Couldn't you ring the other Mum before then and pop round for a cuppa in the evening? Then you can get to know the boyfriend a bit better.

I think YABU to be honest (sorry). Things like being excluded from a sleepover all your best friends are going to is massive for an 8 year old.

Besides which, aren't there statistics saying that most paedophiles groom children they know well? So IF your worst fears are true, tbh I would have thought he'd lay low that evening - far too much risk of picking the wrong child and them bursting loudly into tears and alerting everyone to something being wrong. IF he was a paedophile (and I really don't think you can assume he is!!) he'd be abusing the children that lived there... not yours. They'd be a much easier target to groom and keep under his spell.

I don't, however, think he is for a second.

I would totally and without qualms let her go. Talk to her beforehand if you want about stranger danger, what's normal, which bits of your body are yours alone etc (never a bad idea anyway) but don't make her suffer because you're scared of such a remote possibility.

Just my tuppance