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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not let dd (aged 8) go to a sleepover ...

109 replies

bluenosesaint · 25/06/2008 22:16

...because i really can't decide whether i'm being unreasonable or not ...and of course, according to dd i am being totally unreasonable!!

DD is 8 (and yes, she is my PFB - she has two younger sisters) and her friend at school is having a sleepover. Apparantly dd and two other friends are invited (four 8yr old girls in all) and the other children's parents have said yes. I have said no.

My reasons for saying no is that i really don't know the parents well at all. I know mum to say hello and to have a friendly chat to, and dd has been to her house for tea etc. but i don't know her very well and don't know mums boyfriend at all.

DD is very cross and upset with me and part of me wants to let her go, but i'm really torn because i really feel that i don't know the parents well enough.

What do you think? Am i BU? Go on, tell me the truth, I can take it ...

Would you let your dd go?

OP posts:
DutchOma · 26/06/2008 15:21

I think it is not so much a matter of whether WE think you are being unreasonable but whether your daughter thinks you are unreasonable and whether you want to set yourself up in a "you will do as I say whether you like it or not" mode.
This is the first of many such issues and I would try to 'go' with them unless they are totally unreasonable of course. But if you are doubting your own judgment let your daughter do what she wants to do. In the end she may not like it very much, but if you stop her she may well hold it against you for years to come. Mine did...

Oblomov · 26/06/2008 15:26

Yabu.
Totally overprotective.

Turniphead1 · 26/06/2008 15:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Oblomov · 26/06/2008 15:32

Josephina, my ds also desperatley wants to go to a sleepover. He is only 4.5 and has been asking for the last year, atleast.
Maybe you and I could link up
My ds and your dd would be happy as larry.
He even volunteers himself saying to me
" I think I might go and stay with Nana and Chester/Nanny Seaside/(my best friend) Debbie/ for the weekend, soon."
I don't now how to respond to his statements.

Turniphead1 · 26/06/2008 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

hullygully · 26/06/2008 15:35

Couldn't she telephone you if there was a problem and she wanted to come home? (We have this frequently with our own dc and with their friends staying with us). Couldn't you telephone the mother at say 10.30 to check all was fine?

Kimi · 26/06/2008 15:36

If your DD was to ask friends over (ones whos parents you did not know that well) would you expect there parents to let them come?

My seven year ols DS has been on sleep overs as has my 12 year old.

It is one of the minefields of being a parent, but is your DD likely to be left out of alot of things in future as the girls that do go might feel no point in asking her again.

Turniphead1 · 26/06/2008 15:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Oblomov · 26/06/2008 15:47

Turniphead, I would. No, I mean, he is talking about taking himself off for the weekend, like going on holiday , on his OWN.

I think this is becasue he has slept over at my sil's, with his two cousins, many times, since a baby, and thinks nothing of it.

DutchOma · 26/06/2008 16:02

I would not let a child decide what was reasonable but in this case the OP is not sure herself and in that case I would go with what her daughter wanted. Pick your battles.

reikizen · 26/06/2008 16:06

I'd let her go but I'd like to meet said parents (of course bearing in mind that people who do horrible things to children don't have 666 on their foreheads!). It might also be a good opportunity for a 'self awareness' inappropriate touching etc kind of chat.

eandz · 26/06/2008 16:08

pack a bag for her and keep it in the trunk. tell her you'll pick her up latish (midnightish) from the party this way she can go to the party just not spend the night. once you've met them decide if you're ok with them enough ot let her stay over or not. if not, never take the bag out ...if you are ok with her staying over just take the bag in as a surprise for her.

it's what my parents did.

mrsmalumbas · 26/06/2008 16:11

I don't think YABU - I would only let my DD go to a sleepover with parents that I know really well, whose houses I personally have spent time in, and who I have a good relationnship with. Even that isn't foolproof I suppose but I think you get a good gut feel for a person by spending time with them. I wouldn't let her go to stay with someone who had a boyfriend or husband I'd never met. I'd say she can go to the party or whatever but you'll collect her later.

blueshoes · 26/06/2008 16:33

I agree with DutchOma about picking battles.

bubblepop · 26/06/2008 16:54

agree with mrs malumbas. yanbu. go with your gut instinct

juuule · 26/06/2008 17:06

Yanbu - I agree with mrsmalumbas.

juuule · 26/06/2008 17:06

Yanbu - I agree with mrsmalumbas.

sophiajane · 26/06/2008 17:06

YANBU - will not be doing sleepovers for either of DDs am afraid. May be neurotic, but that's my prerogative.

twinkletoesbellyrolls · 26/06/2008 17:39

Would just like to add as someone who works in a child abuse training unit within a national children's charity that it is right to trust your gut feelings and to teach your children to do the same.

HOWEVER, as I am sure you are all aware a child is more likely to be abused by a member of their own family.

I know that won't make me very popular - sorry....

mummyrayjay · 26/06/2008 17:56

wen I was younger I wa not allowed to go to any sleep overs apart from one friends house as my parents new her parents well enough.

My dad was very over protective and would barley llet us out of his sight.

At the time I hated him but now I understand that he loved us alot and wanted to protect us.

I don't think you are BU if you do not know the mum that well and don't know the boyfriend atall I think you ar doing your job as a protective mother....

cocolepew · 26/06/2008 17:59

YANBU I don't let my DD go to sleepovers to houses where I don't know the parents or houses that she isn't used too. I'd probably have to go a pick her up at 2.30 anyway.

leogirl · 26/06/2008 17:59

I'd have the friends for a sleepover at my house instead.... good compromise? I'd also feel very very anxious at letting my DD sleepover in a house with someone I didn't know .. what if something happened? No trust your instincts but by having her friends to stay at your house you are not spoiling her fun and are probably making it very popular in the process !!!

ButterflyMcQueen · 26/06/2008 18:03

yanbu no
they are too too young
ds has just had his first at 11 and he was vile for days after

refrain!

pofaced · 26/06/2008 18:10

YANBU. 8 is very young and there are lots of legitimate reasons to say no: if she becomes upset and is crying for you, will she lose face in front of her peers? Will the Mum comfort her? Will one parent be able to drive her home?

My ten year old sister was distraught after a sleepover when she saw the very hirsute dad's chest for some reason (our father had a hairless chest)... you may think this absurd but a tired and lonely 10 year old can have a vivid imagination, no matter how kind the parents are.

We have a rule that we have to know the parents well (eg have had them to dinner/ known them pre DCs) before we allow sleep overs. Maybe this is over protective but so be it, that's our rule and the kids know it.

shatteredmumsrus · 26/06/2008 18:14

Then go round a litle earlier and talk to them, get to know them a bit. Do they live far? Let her go, what can happen. She will be so upset tomoro thinking about what her friends are doing. Let us know what you decide. Its hard being a mom, guilt is a major part of it!

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