My parents have never told me about major skeleton in family closet. I have been an adult for 27 years FFS! And now I find out ...

[eekamoose]

... just so shocked that they never told me about this. Recently been put in a hugely embarrassing situation because of their determination to keep things under the carpet. Am a bit stunned tbh.

I think they should have told me, AIBU?

LOL Ivy - in fact ROFL, I am now more intrigued about your Great Aunt!

Thats it?!!

Your uncle had some children who were taken into care.

Not really a major skeleton, really, was it? In those days, people kept these things quiet, so its not really a great surprise, is it?

..its gone very quiet....

Damn! I was expecting a murder, at the very least.

sorry, she has now.. I feel a little foolish about my post...

erm, I can understand why you are a bit P'd off, as it sound like you are a close family - with your extended family. I am too, ad would also be quite p'd off about similar information.

So YANBU....

I reckon it is the secrecy thing that is the worst. it must be a huge shock to have someone turn up and go "hello, i'm your cousin / uncle /sister / whatever"

eeka-YANBU.i think your dad should have told you as soon as he found out this cousin had been traced.

you know,i dont think things were any different years ago to how they are now,its just everything was swept under the carpet back then.

For what its worth eekamoose, I still think Dad doesn't know that we know, my mother told me, she didn't find out until 5 years ago and when they first started seeing her he also conveniently forgot that he had five children, told her he had 2. I think it is a Dad thing.

YANBU - they could have warned you to save you being embarrassed. They could have told you after last year's picnic, as in "you'll never guess who turned up..." and spilled the whole story then. Pointless and lazy keeping it from you after that.

Does your dad feel bad about the children going into care? Sounds like he could be embarrassed abuot it.

And going back to your OP, why would you feel embarrassed abuot it? Does the new cousin know that they were kept a secret? Either way, it's not your fault you weren't told.

Bit of an anti-climax there eek

all ears!!!

I can understand you being upset they didn't tell you before now. But it doesn't affect you directly so I can see why they never found the time.

I don't mean that to be as flippant as it sounds. What I mean is that they probably thought you never needed to know and the longer they left it the harder it got to tell you.

Don't think YABU to be upset but I think you should ask them why they didn't tell you then draw a line under it and move on

I can understand why you feel it is unnatural that nobody not once EVER mentioned that you had three cousins. That is odd. Somebody took the decision to gloss over that part of your uncle's life, and your Dad, for a quiet life, played along with it.

Don't be too angry with your Dad. He probably felt it wasn't his boat to rock you know!?

Not that I usually have ANY sympathy for my x, but he found a picture of his Dad and a bride at his Grandma's house, and said "who's that woman?" and his Grandma said "your father's first wife". My x discovered that at 9 yrs old, and that he had a half brother too!!

I would ask your Dad which part of the story made them ashamed. Was it that the uncle's marriage failed, or that the children were taken in to care? OR were they ashamed that they didn't take on your cousins?!

So... I'd advise you work out WHY you're so shocked, get the answers (as far as possible) and then as pp says, MOVE ON!!

I also can understand you feeling upset about it, but I don't think it's really really terrible.

My family have many many worse skeletons which my dad kind of filters out from time to time.

I have things which have happened to me which I'm unsure as to when to tell DS1 (14)

We also at some point in his life have to tell him that his beloved grandad who he worshipped didn't actually die in his sleep 3 yrs ago, he committed suicide due to his bipolar condition getting out of his control. I have no idea how on earth we can tell him that!

I do feel like you and hate finding things out about my family as an adult, but I can see how difficult it must be to actually tell your child these things.

I don't want any of my DS's to find things out 'by accident'. I did in fact tell DS1 about his older brother who was stillborn as I was so worried about him finding out another way. That was so hard.

I think most families have some kind of secret especially our parents/grandparents generation.

I'm sure your dad has a reason for not saying anything. maybe now taht you know, you could sit down with him and talk about it?

Lol! sorry not a murder . There are other scandalous stories in my mothers family but I KNOW about them.

Booshbaby - actually, it was a major surprise to me. I am 45. I think they could have waited til I was 18/21 whatever and told me the story.

This lady wasn't introduced to me, she came up and introduced herself. I felt bad for her that I didn't know who she was and then deeply angry with my father for not thinking the implications through and hiding this sordid story away from me for so long.

Cousin was lovely. She showed me some pictures of her mother. They were all solo shots of her in amazingly elaborate 40s and 50s dresses. She was, apparently, self obsessed and simply not ready to be a mother. And Uncle Rxxxx was obviously not up to fatherhood either. The unreliability of my Grandad was also news to me. He has always been a charistmatic figure in family folklore.

Oooo more scandalous stories... do tell!

A girl I know, or used to know really, wow I hope she is not reading this as she confided it in confidence, but I'm not saying her name... her parents met eachother in a psychiatric hospital when thy were both in for a 'internment' . She was lovely and normal btw. But that was the skeleton that plagued her.

did the cousin ever become reunited with her parents eek?

Just wondering if her mother ever felt bad about the way the children were treated

I've got a three-quarters sister (my Dad with my Mums sister). But she was adopted as a child, so never likely to meet up. We only found out some 60 years after the event.

Squirdle

The longer you leave telling the truth about granddad's suicide the harder it will be.

Can you not explain how he was very poorly and it made him sad and not able to think clearly etc etc.

I do know about this, close relly committed suicide and I wasn't told for 9 years - not good for a hormonal teenager

It's not sordid. God, there's far worse in my family - and that's just the stuff I do know about You're not harmed by not knowing.

I found out a few years ago from my parents that my great uncle was actually my uncle.(ie. a child my grandmother had given birth to but was brought up by her parents and passed off as her brother!)

My mum had only just been told this so it wasn't a secret she had kept from me.

I thought something was a bit odd at my grandfather's funeral when I met my "great" uncle as, when I realised his age, I worked out my great grandmother would have been 55 when she had him! (Not impossible but highly unlikely especially in 1932.)

[howmuch: no, she recently managed to trace her older brother who has learning difficulties and always been in care. He was the only person to attend their mother's funeral a few years ago. It was he who gave her the photos of their mother which she showed me. She did approach her father, my uncle, when she was in her early 20s and a mother herself and he rejected her in no uncertain terms and told her never to contact him again. She has not managed to trace her younger brother.]